How long to make him wait?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
How long to make him wait?
9
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 9:40pm
I've been with my boyfriend(he's 23, I'm 21) for almost 3 months now. We do have oral sex (on him not me). But I'm still a virgin and EXTREMELY shy, so i absolutely am not comfortable with him going down on me. Is it unfair to not let him touch me there, or not have sex for so long in the relationship at my age?
He's really patient and doesn't push me to do anything i don't want, but i'm worried he might just get fed up with waiting for me to get over my shyness. Everyone i know seems to do it within couple dates...So I was just wondering how long is normal to be with someone before sleeping with them??
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 10:51pm

There's no such thing as "normal" as far as sex is concerned. Whatever you want to do is what's "normal" for you. It doesn't make any difference what your friends do. You're not them. Some women don't have sex of ANY kind until they get married. That's their choice, and what you do is YOUR choice.

There's nothing fair or unfair about waiting. It's your preference, and if your b/f cares about YOU, then he'll wait till you're ready, no matter how long it takes. In the meantime, he's getting "his" so he shouldn't be too unhappy.

Your age also has nothing to do with it. When it's right, you'll know. As long as you have doubts, then don't. Also, having sex with a guy is no guarantee that he'll stay with you. Sex can't KEEP a man interested. Do what you feel is right, when you feel that it's right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 03-25-2006 - 10:59pm

This is like asking how long is a piece of string. What is normal varies from person to person and it varies a lot. There is no point in having sex if you are going to be uncomfortable with it. You really need to wait until you are ready to do it and can look back on the experience without reservations.

There would be no point in having sex with your b/f in an effort to make sure that he didn't leave you, to find that you break up with him for another entirely unrelated matter a week later. You'd look back at that and say to yourself "I wish I hadn't had sex with him". It'd be better if you did break up with him to be able to say "Well, I'm upset that we broke up but I don't regret having had sex with him".

OK, I'm rambling a bit. Lets cut to the chase. Have sex with him when you are ready. He's getting oral sex so that should keep him happy for a while. And anyway, if he really likes you he'll be reasonably OK with waiting until you are ready. If he's not happy waiting then he probably wasn't the guy for you.

As for letting him go down on you? Well, if you are both having oral sex then you haven't got a lot left to do as far as sex goes in my opinion. Some would say that oral sex is more intimate than intercourse too. So there is that to consider. And again, he's getting oral sex so he'll be happy to live without going down on you in the meantime.

Don't rush things. You are an individual and you don't have to let what other people do influence what you do. Make your own choices and take your own time. It is your body and it is your choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2006
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 12:45am
Im 21 and dating a 23 year old so I kind of see where you are coming from. I dont think that there is a RIGHT time to do everything. One part of your post kind of confused me though, you said you are shy etc but you are giving him oral sex? I just dont understand how someone being so shy could do that you know? I moved really fast with my fiance, which who knows was the right thing, we are still together and going strong, but that worked for us, and what worked for us might not work for you. Im thrilled to see hes not placing pressure on you to have sex but there might be a time he could pressure you. Do what you think is best for you. People have sex the first time they meet, the first date, the first month, first year... or marriage. Everyone is different and this situation is the same. There isnt a right answer to the question of when you should have sex with him. You only have your virginity once, and make sure that it is special. Good luck, take care, and love yourself, your body, before you let someone else. You sound like you have a great guy who is understanding and everyone should be that lucky.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 2:06am
Thank you, and everyone for your replies. I know it's my choice and there's no "set time" when you're supposed to have sex... I just have several male roomates who on a daily basis express shock that i haven't "put out" yet at 3 months, and they keep telling me i better soon or i'm going to lose my b/f. lol, those jerks are just psyching me out.
As for the shy part...well this is kinda weird i guess, but i'm not shy doing stuff for him, but i just freeze up at the thought of him doing anything to me...which i know frustrates him even tho he doesn't push me.
THis is my first serious relationship, so i guess i'm just anxious is all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sun, 03-26-2006 - 8:15am

Your male "roommates" are shocked that you haven't "put out" (ugh) yet? What business is it of theirs? How do they know you haven't? Why are you discussing something so intimate with them?

Just that phrase "put out" suggests that you're nothing more than a piece of meat, and should do it for HIS benefit. That's the way young guys think! Girls should "put out" to make them (the guys) happy! As it is, you're giving him oral sex, which is for HIS benefit, more than for yours. You're not comfortable enough to allow him to return the favor.....which means you're not mentally or emotionally ready for any kind of sex. The fact that you have to ASK is another indication that you're not ready. If you were ready, you'd just do it.

I've never heard a woman say she regretted waiting, but MANY women will say that in retrospect, they're very sorry they DIDN'T wait.....because they did it for the wrong reasons with the wrong guy. Virginity isn't something that you need to get "rid" of because you're 21, or because all your friends have. It's something that's yours alone, and it's better to wait until you're really sure.....not full of doubts.

If you give in and have intercourse with him (you're already being sexually active with him) there's no guarantee that he'll stay in your life, as Westridge pointed out. But it WILL change your feelings toward him, and make it that much harder if the relationship does end. When in doubt, DON'T!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
Thu, 04-06-2006 - 10:52am

Hey,

I just want to reiterate what everyone is saying. I, too, used to worry about what is "normal" and all of that, but the truth is that it really doesn't matter. Wait until *you* are ready (which for me meant being really comfortable with my guy, being able to talk with him openly about sex and deeply trusting him). In my opinion, having sex for the first time IS a big deal and it can be special, but it probably won't be if you're doing it out of a feeling of obligation. You mentioned that you're giving him oral sex but are still feeling uncomfortable with him touching you and to me, that says that you're probably not ready for actual sex yet. Take little steps and as you continue to get to know him, it will be easier to move forwards.

But seriously, there is no time frame and your guy roomates are totally clueless about women and sex (in my opinion) and furthermore, it is none of their business what you and your boyfriend are doing.

Good luck and take care!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2006
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 3:04am
Thank you all again for your advice. Actually, I'm glad i decided to just wait and not do it out of obligation. Things were going really well in our relationship, when quite abrubtly he broke up with me!! (yesterday actually) Right before my final exams too...:(
I don't think it was because i didn't sleep with him, at least i hope not, because that wouldnt be fair.
I'm trying not to let it get to me, afterall, it only lasted for a few months...and i think he's actually taking it harder than me....but i'm glad i didn't end up sleeping with him out of pressure, because it didn't last anyway.
Thanks again though, everyone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Wed, 04-12-2006 - 9:21am

Sorry to hear about the break up, but if he did break it off with you because you didn't sleep with him, then he didn't care much about you and your feelings.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Thu, 04-13-2006 - 3:30am

I agree with Tish and Dakine - your sex life is no one's business except yours and the person you are sexually active with. You don't need to tell your room mates anything. If they ask, tell them that it's none of their business, or that ladies don't kiss and tell.

Sorry to hear about the break up.

Janet