How many partners is TOO many?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
How many partners is TOO many?
27
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:45pm
Over the past year, I have nearly doubled my sexual partner count...and I am wondering, how many is too many?! I'm not sure what it is, but suddenly I am finding myself in one after another sexual situation...and often I am the one essentially making it happen! I am not trying to make any of these people my boyfriend - in fact, I have had a number of one-night stands recently that I am completely okay with. BUT, I am starting to feel that perhaps it's gotten a bit out of hand. I'm not sure if I am simply worried about what other people will think, or if I just hate the idea that I will (out of necessity) have to lie to any future partners about how many people I've been with. I basically feel okay about what I've been doing (not that I necessarily want to continue like this) - but how many partners is too many? Is there such a thing? What do men think about this topic?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-16-2006
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:47pm
I think 75 to 100 is a good number, lol, I'm greedy though

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:58pm

Welcome to the board alysyn.

I don't think there are any statistics on how many sexual partners might be too many. I know that some people might judge others based on that, but there can be differing circumstances that affect the total number of partners.

Of course, today, safe sex is important, and with the number of STDs, limiting the number of one night stands you have might make good sense. Because one night stands don't offer other benefits, you might want to consider why you're having them, and so many of them.

If you're asking yourself questions, or putting pressure on yourself, then perhaps this isn't the right action plan for you. You mentioned being afraid you would have to lie to future partners. I think whenever you put yourself in a position to feel you have to (or might have to) lie, you're probably not making the best decisions for yourself.










iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 11:18pm
Well, as you could probably have guessed, alcohol certainly has something to do with this whole scenario...although, I don't generally consider my drinking a "problem." I am young, single, and fairly accomplished for my age...I think that I am perhaps at the age where I think it's finally "ok" (and even enjoyable) to allow myself to do the things that I am doing. I don't generally walk away from these situations feeling empty, as women sometimes say about casual sex. And part of this is because I am allowing myself to connect with these men on deeper level (I know it sounds kind of ironic)...and part of it is because there is (at least on my part) a genuineness and honesty to the experience. I think part of the problem for me is that I worry that people will not respect me precisely because I am okay with this. As far as not telling future partners the truth - I just say that because NO man wants to hear that their new gf has been with such and such number of men (unless its very very few!) I have always been honest in the past because I felt that if I was okay with it, then whomever my partner was should be too. BUT, I just think there is a point when that conversation will merely create more problems than withholding the truth ultimately does. And I feel that perhaps I have personally reached that point.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 11:41pm

The real question is do you respect yourself?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 11:54pm
I definitely feel that I respect myself...I really think that maybe I just care entirely too much about what other people think and what judgments they may put on me. That is, I suppose, why I am asking what other people on this board think about this topic. I also suspect that there is an age issue here and am wondering what other women think about this - I'm in my mid-20's and I really feel like that has something to do with it. I am finally comfortable with myself, my body, my needs - I am finally in control of my life - I think this has played a huge role.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 12:48am

I don't think that you can put a number on it. I know that DW has slept with more than a dozen guys and I'd be lying if I said that it didn't make even liberal ol' me feel a little uneasy for a short while after finding out. And I don't think that 12 is a big number. At the end of the day it depends on the guy that you are telling and I don't think that lying about it and then refusing to elaborate is a big deal. I think that if a guy is going to get upset because you are vague about the actual number then he sure as hell will be more upset when he finds out the truth.

Unfortunately large numbers make 90% of guys uneasy. Heck anything over 4 or 5 makes most guys uneasy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 12:47pm

If you're ok with it, then it's not too many.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 1:43pm
Haha, I am not talking about a TON of partners - I certainly know many many women in their mid-20's whom have been with WAY more...but do people generally consider 9 in 9 months (and really its actually more like 10 in 2 years)"too many"? This is a pretty isolated year for me...it's not like I've always had this pattern consistently - if so, I'd be the first to admit that perhaps I'd been with "too many" people for my own personal liking...lol.


Edited 9/29/2007 7:18 pm ET by alysyn
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2006
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 1:52pm

"BUT, I am starting to feel that perhaps it's gotten a bit out of hand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Wed, 09-26-2007 - 4:14pm

"...my wife and I each know how many sexual partners we have and even discussed the various circumstances and impact they had on own lives. It was something very intimate of us to discuss and took a lot of trust to do it because it can backfire. Discussing something like that can create issues in a relationship."

That's a great point you bring up.

I know hubby and I have also been open and honest with each other about our pasts, but I think the trust you mentioned is a big part of being able to open up that way. To me, a person who was too anxious to know about my past would be one who lacks confidence, or has some rigid set of rules -- certainly not someone I would spend my life with. We were old enough to know we had prior partners, and we didn't concentrate on that. Over the years, we have swapped stories, and talked about different relationships. I think that is part of knowing who the other person is. I don't think I could commit to a person that would let my past become a problem within our relationship.

On the flip side of that, I never thought about the number of partners I had as being too many or too few. I think if I had ill feelings about it myself, that could also create a problem within the relationship.










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