How many partners is TOO many?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
How many partners is TOO many?
27
Tue, 09-25-2007 - 10:45pm
Over the past year, I have nearly doubled my sexual partner count...and I am wondering, how many is too many?! I'm not sure what it is, but suddenly I am finding myself in one after another sexual situation...and often I am the one essentially making it happen! I am not trying to make any of these people my boyfriend - in fact, I have had a number of one-night stands recently that I am completely okay with. BUT, I am starting to feel that perhaps it's gotten a bit out of hand. I'm not sure if I am simply worried about what other people will think, or if I just hate the idea that I will (out of necessity) have to lie to any future partners about how many people I've been with. I basically feel okay about what I've been doing (not that I necessarily want to continue like this) - but how many partners is too many? Is there such a thing? What do men think about this topic?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 7:29am

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2006
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 1:41pm

How many partners are to many??????

Paige-Editcopybrynn.png picture by marce_jewels

      

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 2:39pm
I have to confess, I was a bit shocked by your response, though I very much appreciate your input. Perhaps I have made the whole thing sound really much too seedy - most of my partners have in fact been men that I am dating or men whom I already know well. And there are certainly many many other date propositions and/or advances that I actually turn down very regularly; maybe the "problem" is that I seem to have too many options too much of the time. In my wide circle of friends (and we are all well-adjusted, well-educated, professionals), my experience is not really out of the norm for a single and dating, independent, 20-something gal. Of course, you cannot always count on your friends to be brutally honest with their opinions - that is why I have posted here! However, I would have to strongly disagree that this is a sexual addiction or even a matter in need of serious counseling (though I definitely think that most people can benefit from therapy most of the time!) I do agree, though, that safety is certainly important. I also want to point out, that I never have more than one partner at a time (that is just too much for me personally)...and I NEVER allow myself to be "used" by men - I am quite vigilant about that, for I feel that if I want a relationship with someone I should not be accepting less, and I don't! :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-15-2004
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 4:21pm

 


Hugs,


Sebastian


 


http://www.facebook.com/sebastianbruce

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 5:55pm

I think the reason behind a high number of sex partners is more important than the number itself...Most people with high numbers will tell you that their number is high because they just love sex......Most studies will tell you the opposite...Many people with high numbers (not all by any means)are more on the insecure side, and are constantly trying to boost their self esteem by having sex with someone. This goes for men or women.. It can be an ego boost, they could be trying to bury a bad relationship break up, etc. The conquest does seem to have an esteem building effect, but it is

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 6:53pm

Hi alysyn


It's a crazy double standard. A lot of folks wouldn't say much of anything if a guy slept w/ a lot of women...they'd probably say he was "sowing his wild oats..." LOL, so I think we women can to if we feel so inclined. Only you can decide what's enough. After all, it's your body-your life. I would have to agree that if you're concerned that, in the future you will have to "lie" than part of you must doubt these actions. Add to it the alcohol and well, you have to ask yourself "why" and "what am I getting out of these sexual exploits." Maybe you do it to blow off steam, maybe you do it for recreation...but they're important questions to ask because they will help YOU discover your own magic number, what's ok for you, etc.


I went through a stage in life where I felt free as well. I was living on my own, working and doing good in life-I figured my life was my own and I could do what I darn well pleased...I didn't consider how I might feel later.


I didn't go to bed w/ as many--but there were a couple people w/ in a relatively short period of time. At the time, I also felt "free" and good about myself. I thought I was ok with it. Looking back, I am not. I do have regrets. It has nothing to do w/ me being a woman, and everything to do with how I view that aspect to life. I also realized that I had gotten my heart broken...and not just broken...the guy basically ripped it out of my chest and did the macarena

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Thu, 09-27-2007 - 11:47pm

Welcome to the board elyse, and thanks for joining in.

I see you have a hat. What board do you CL?










iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Fri, 09-28-2007 - 10:19pm

Would you do this as often or at all if alcohol was not involved?
I question this, because to me if you are drunk/tipsy then you are allowing men to take advantage of your body and emotions. You are not saying no per say, but given you are not in your normal state of mind and emotions, is this not involuntary abuse?
You say that you find yourself connecting with people in these situations - being physical certainly connects body but what about emotion. Can you really connect and be genuine and honest when you are drunk/tipsy?
I certainly don't think that being young and single excuses behavior like this, and your questioning of it certainly does not excuse it in your own mind.
I certainly think you are right in that it is not a problem associated with sex addiction, to me it's more esteem. Making yourself feel good with sex at a given time does not validate feeling good about yourself in general. Ones own grasp of esteem and feeling fulfilled is only confirmed when ones articulation, well adjustment, professionalism, and accomplishments come though with day to day conduct. Don't use those prowess to get lucky in sex, use them to get ahead and lucky in life.
You ARE allowing yourself to be used by men, because I think you most likely wouldn't be finding your self in situations like this if alcohol were not involved.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2004
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 5:50pm

"I certainly don't think that being young and single excuses behavior like this..."

"Excuses" behavior like this?! Pardon my outrage, but I am certainly NOT looking for an excuse - there is no need to! As I've I mentioned more than once in this thread, I am personally okay with my own behavior thus far - no regrets! My behavior is not such that it goes against my own personal morals or beliefs; I conduct my life in a way in which I think shows tremendous respect for myself. When a relationship or dating situation is not working for ME - I leave it...I don't cling to someone because I've already shared my body with them - my heart and my mind take precedence! A few vacation one-night stands over the course of 8 or 9 years doesn't make me someone who is seeking acceptance and self-esteem through sex (but that's not to say that other people don't struggle precisely with that problem).

As I've mentioned, my main concern (and reason for posting here) has been other people's perceptions...and the replies on this board have really confirmed for me that it is precisely THAT which is bothering me, and justifiably so. I don't think that everyone should do what I do, and I do not suggest that it is "okay" for everyone - I understand that we must be tolerant and understanding of others' personal beliefs and upbringings...whatever they may be! That said, it seems to me that there are definitely some generational issues which this conversation has revealed. I have many friends of my generation (of all different backgrounds and from every walk of life) who share my same views on sex and love...whether they have been with 2 or 22 partners (I am certainly not alone here)! Maybe it is a liberal West Coast thing as well, who knows?! In any event, I feel that I've gleaned all that I possibly can from this discussion...I appreciate everyone's input (even those of you with whom I disagree). Take care! :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
Sat, 09-29-2007 - 8:21pm
>>I am personally okay with my own behavior thus far - no regrets! My behavior is not such that it goes against my own personal morals or beliefs;



Justify it how you will. Guys typically will not express their shock/horror to your face when they learn of your count, especially if there is the immediate prospect of getting some. But privately it's different. They, at least the many that I know, would not take pass-around packs to meet their mothers. Is it fair ? I don't know. It is how it is.



You are from the left coast. Even in uber liberal Hollywood, most male stars do not end up marrying these pass-around packs, or at least not for long. And there are plenty of those.