How much does kissing reaction count?
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| Thu, 01-18-2007 - 9:52pm |
If this sounds awfully naive, so be it. I really would like to know. The only person I ever kissed before I got married was my husband. He is an awful kisser, so we don't. Our marriage is pretty much on the rocks. Now, years and years later, I'm on a beach, talking with a good friend. We get up to walk to the water. He says my name, I look up, and whammo - he kisses me.
OK, I'm holding on because I can't stand up. My legs are shaking, and before I know it, I'm kissing him back (I'm not a total fool, this guy knows what he's DOING) and it's the most wonderful experience. Another year goes by. Another friend, we're saying goodbye. Hugs, etc. Suddenly, HE kisses me. Stops. Before I can say "what the heck was THAT" he says, ohmygod your lips are so soft, and kisses me again. Pleasant, but not the rockmysocks off of the other guy. Both of these men are very attractive, the first very sexy the second the sweetest ever. So. Question. If you're going to be interested in someone, is it wise to wait for the guy who rocks your world, or does that happen very often? I'm just curious as to what others think. In other words, do you trust your body on things like this? Or can it lead you completely astray?
Cassie

Interesting question. But first I should ask you "How much does kissing reaction count towards "what"?
What is it that you think that kissing "counts" towards?
That aside, kissing is one of those things that is very personal. We all have a "style" and hopefully our partner kisses in a compatible style - a good kisser (in my opinion) is someone that can adapt on-the-fly and kiss us in the way that we like being kissed, at that time too. Sometimes soft and romantic is good, other times hard and passionate is good. A partner may not be a "good kisser" in our opinion, but that doesn't necessarily mean that you aren't compatible in many ways - including sexual compatibility. I had a g/f who kissed like an angel - but wasn't too good in bed. Likewise I have had a g/f who really didn't kiss all that well, but had sex been an Olympic sport, she would have been given gold medals. Of course there are those who are just plain bad kissers - too wet, too dry, too hard, too tentative, too much tongue (ewwww!) come to mind.
A person *can* learn how to kiss too but too often we don't talk about what we like or don't like in a kiss too. Sometimes it's obvious, but other times it's not.
In your case? I wonder if it's more of a case of having had a husband who is a "bad" kisser, and then meeting two guys who were "good" kissers. Certainly the fact that the marriage with your husband is on the rocks could have a *big* effect, even with the guy that you kissed years ago. Which came first? The marriage on the rocks, or the kiss with a guy that could kiss? Certainly finding your marriage on the rocks and then being in a situation where some guy that you must have liked kissed you would make his kiss seem sweeter. After-all, if you were my wife who thinks that her marriage is just fine kissed a guy in the way that you described then the marriage *would* be on the rocks if I found out she was kissing him like that.
Hi Westridge:
Well, the marriage on the rocks came first! Actually, was told by one counsellor over 20 years ago 'how did I expect to stay in the marriage' and did. Lost a child who left home bc of this man, and was later killed. Still stayed, bc I was told that divorce is not possible. Now he's getting dementia of some sort, and last year, saw another counsellor, who after listening to the way he treats me (with him there agreeing, by the way) was completely dumbfounded. So, no, until then, never kissed another man. Actually, since I was 18, never touched either, as except for sex, no contact. No sitting in the evenings watching TV - I'm on my own for many years night after night. That's why the kiss from a man who, yes, attracted me, and was attracted by me, was so surprising. Never had any interest shown to me in my whole life. What it did, was waken my senses and my self esteem, and tho we lost contact, I'm a more interesting person. Which is what this second guy picked up on. He's Very married, very proper, the whole time we were rather thrown together, although we got along very well. As I said, the kiss came at the end of our holiday, while saying goodbye, tho we've been occasionally in contact via email.
No, down the road, all things being equal, bc my spouse is older, I'll likely be alone, either from leaving in desperation, or him being in a home or whatever. Without any dating experience at all (he snagged me at an unbelievable 15) I just don't know what's what in the reaction department, which could, I realize, land me into making huge mistakes when that time comes. Stuebing said it's just chemistry, not important, but boy, sure would be nice to have the right guy and that kind of chemistry!!!
Hi Sakura:
Thanks for your reply. The thing is, is sexual attraction there before the kiss, do you think? Kind of like handing a guy a platter of your emotions when you react like that isn't it? lol. No wonder afterwards, he was chasing me around in the water. This guy must have known, then, that I was attracted. Hmmmm.
Not in the position to do anything about this at this time, I hasten to add, but hope if necessary it's possible to teach someone who had everything but that skill (kissing) the right way to do it. Learned a few things myself I'd like to practice.......
Cassie
**That's called "chemistry"! It has no bearing on a "relationship" beyond a sexual attraction. You can be sexually attracted to a bum! It takes a lot more than just sexual attraction to have a good relationship.**
But, as well, you can't have a good relationship without it. If there's no chemistry when you kiss...you're just friends. So yea, I'd say kissing counts a whole lot.
Cassie, you're a young woman yet, and I'm sorry to hear about the mess you're in. But, unfortunately, you ARE in a mess! Has he actually been diagnosed with "dementia"? If so, you need to start making plans for your life, not only emotionally, but financially! I don't know your financial situation, but if you're very wealthy, and your husband has to go into a home, it will cost you a small fortune! Many women divorce at a time like this...even if they love their husband very much...simply to preserve their finances.
You should start talking to lawyers AND financial advisors at this point. I worked for many years in a Nursing Home, in the financial area, and there are legal ways to protect yourself. Look into it.
Having said that, again, you're a YOUNG woman, and you deserve some kind of happiness in your life. It's too bad you didn't listen to the counsellor many years ago. But don't go off half cocked, and get yourself involved with married men..that's a lose/lose situation. You've had enough unhappiness in your life already, that would just let you in for more of the same.
Figure out what you want to do, and if it's divorce, do it. Then you can make a fresh start in life. As far as dating again, it's a learning process. You should have been thru that when you were a teenager, but it didn't work out that way. You'll learn now, by doing. You have many years ahead of you to get out and live your life, make your mistakes, and find happiness. You gave up your youth for this man, and now it's your turn. Do what you have to do to find happiness, but do it the right way! Good Luck!!
Sakura, I surely appreciate your advice, and No, Sakura, I'm sure not young. Act young, look not bad, but that's where it ends. My husband has periods when he's not too bad, then is off the wall. Last year, I called him on his bad habit of withholding sex, as punishment when I don't do what he says. With the councellor present. She was appalled. Since then, despite him saying we had great sex, he did it again, and finally I said no, no more. Not gonna play that game. I realize I am being controlled by a man who no longer can run his own life sensibly, so why should he run mine?
We are not rich - not even close. Actually close to the poverty line. I recently applied for assisted housing for myself - waiting time 3 - 7 years - but hopefully won't have to wait that long to leave. I also have two little part time jobs, despite my age - as he has never, in all the years of our marriage, given me any money to live on. I get groceries out of pension money, etc now. And over the years, visa, etc have grown to the point where I now want to work to pay it off. Then I'll be free to decide what to do. Emotional Abuse is the term I was given. Too bad it's not physical. One hit and I'm gone. But he seems to know this, and holds back.
That's why I was asking about the reaction to kissing. I DON't want to overreact to people, but have to admit, people seem to be drawn to me. Friends (40 - 70) often send me cards, saying thanks, etc. Men I know always seem to come and chat when they see me - even with my husband present. Little weird, actually, as I really don't feel I'm coming on to them. These two men I mentioned were when my husband was not around. They treated me like a princess, and I loved every moment, although they were both so different. I guess I have a lot to learn, and/but your cautionary note taken. Thanks
Cassie
Your advice that "the chemistry is not all" is what others have said, Kat, and I have appreciated the advice. Actually glad I asked the question. As I said, I havent' had any experience in this at all really. The chemistry thing caught me by surprise. Likely not him though. He had run his fingers up my arm earlier, and the hairs literally stood up on my arm and neck. So I was reacting to him although I didn't know it at the time. But now I realize, as you say, there's more to attraction than just the physical reaction. Sure was one $#@! of a kiss, though! MmmmMM!
Cassie