How much is sex physical vs. mental?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2005
How much is sex physical vs. mental?
1
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 4:58am

Hey Ivillage,

I want to know from you all whether or not you feel a woman's ability to enjoy sex AND orgasm is just as much about thoughts and emotions toward her partner as it is about the actual physicalities of the act.

I ask because I recently decided to stop having sex with my guy friend. I think my main reason was that I wasn't particularly enjoying it and wasn't sure that I was making it enjoyable for him (he was my first, we've done it less than 10 times). I told him I didn't want to have sex with him anymore since he wasn't my boyfriend. (The relationship is long distance and started off that way so things are somewhat complicated as far as commitment is concerned - on both ends)

I thought in my mind that there must be some sort of emotional/trust barrier between us that was holding me back during sex. During the act, I try to be as engaged as possible, but after a few minutes I just don't want to be doing it anymore. It doesn't hurt, but it's a bit tedious...and I guess it doesn't help that I'm a bit out of shape (as far as physical stamina goes). : )

However, I do like him a lot. My affection for him grows each time we time we talk and especially when we see each other. I think i've pretty much gotten over the initial rush of emotions that come with a first...but I'm still not sure what to do about the sex. I mean, if I can't orgasm, the least i can do is really make him enjoy his...Will only practice make perfect? Are there somethings I should consider for the next time I see him?

Thanks,
WYSEONE05

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 01-06-2007 - 9:33am

Our brains are our most important sex organs. Particularly women's brains because for women sex is usually more "emotional" than it is for most men. Many women think they can have casual sex, as in an FWB situation, but 9 times out of 10, the women "fall in love" with the partner.....because women have a difficult time separating "sex" from "love". Perfect example: "However, I do like him a lot. My affection for him grows each time we time we talk and especially when we see each other."

Your "morals" come into it, you don't want to have sex with him because he's not your "b/f"....and maybe you told him that to "blackmail" him into making that commitment to you......"no b/f, no sex".

This is your first "sexual experience" and you don't enjoy it? Maybe because you'd fantasized that it would be so much more than it really is? Intercourse isn't usually the be-all end-all for women, certainly not as fulfilling as it is for men. Maybe your partner isn't all that knowledgeable about pleasing a woman, have you thought about that? He's in it for the sex, and without feelings for you, he might not even be thinking about your pleasure (which would come more from foreplay than from intecourse).
And, you've done it 10 times, and no orgasm? Hon, some women go a whole lifetime with no orgasms from intercourse, or from ANYTHING. You're not there to have orgasms, and orgasms aren't necessary to enjoy sex. 80% of women never have orgasms from intercourse alone, because the vagina isn't a woman's main sexual organ, her clitoris is, and that's where most orgasms originate, as well as from the "g" spot inside the vagina.

And yes, practice makes perfect! Even an experienced man or woman takes time to learn how to please and be pleased by a new partner, because we're all different. What works for one man (or woman) can totally turn off the next.

YOu need to decide if this FWB is right for you, or not. If it's not then move on, and find someone for whom you have feelings, and who returns those feelings.