how to relax?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
how to relax?
4
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 5:44pm
After suffering a pretty bad tear the last time I had sex (which was only my second time), I'm ready to try again and I'm aiming for this week. My problem both times is that I cannot seem to relax when the guy is about to enter me- I tense up and all it does is cause me pain and embarassment. To give a bit of background- before I ever even had sex I developed a vaginal skin condition so my first experience of anyone even being in that area was poking and prodding and biopsies; I also had been taught my whole life that sex was ugly and bad and while I can rationalize this is not true I wonder if part of me believes it and that results in the tension I put on myself...
I just have such anxiety about the possible pain and now that I've been torn (and it hurt like HELL lol) I really need advice from ladies on how I can relax or make this easier on myself- also any guys who have any ideas please feel free- I felt sooooo bad for him- he was really good about it but he feels horrible and I want next time to be right for both of us.... I have never drank in my life but I'm seriously considering a glass of wine or something lol.... I know we didn't have nearly enough foreplay but after 2 times now I'm afraid even that won't be enough and I'm driving myself crazy probably un-necessarily.
thanks in advance for any advice anyone can give me.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 11:54pm

Does the 16 beside your name mean you're 16?

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Are you sure you are ready to even have sex?

If you truly think you are ready to have sex...I would say you didn't have nearly enough lube. If you are very wet it may be easier.
Or if you did use enough lube and you just can't relax maybe you should think about waiting (i'm assuming you're 16)
Also if you're laying there the whole time thinking "i hope this doesn't hurt, is this gonna hurt again" you'll never relax, just try to get into the moment and try not to think about it hurting the last time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 12:37am

The more you worry, the more you expect pain again, the more you'll tense up, and you'll HAVE the pain.

What you have to do is take LOTS of time for foreplay, LOTS of clitoral stimulation, oral or manual. When you're ready to try intercourse, use LOTS of lube, and if it hurts, you stop IMMEDIATELY, and just finish him some other way. You can try again the next time. As long as you know you don't HAVE to do it, you'll relax more about it.

He should also be able to tell if you're ready by using his fingers...if you're tight to his fingers, he shouldn't even try. More foreplay, and if that doesn't relax you, then just don't even try it. There's no rush, you have a lifetime ahead of you to be sexual.

I'm sorry you were told that sex is ugly and/or bad. Many parents say that just to keep their daughters from being hurt or taken advantage of. If you're an adult, then you make your own decisions about whether it's a bad thing, or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-28-2005
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 9:33am
Oh no- I'm not 16 lol- it's just my favourite number. I'm actually in my 30's but I guess as far as sexual maturity goes I am about 16 :-(
I totally agree with both of you that the more I worry about it the more inevitable the pain will be so I WILL do my best to not think about it and I'm sure that once we start and I get into the moment and the foreplay lasts waaay longer than last time everything will be fine- I trust him completely so that's not an issue and I know that I'm probably making more out of all of this then is even necessary but unfortunately one of my worst personality traits is worrying as you can tell.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2006
Mon, 03-26-2007 - 6:43pm
All I can say is to take it slow - lots of foreplay and relax. I know it can be hard to relax (I've definitely been there) but the more you start to relax and trust, the easier it will be. When my current bf and I started to have sex (or try) I found it very hard to relax (because of my own "sex issues"), but my bf was very gentle and understanding (I'm not saying that your guy isn't). Kissing is a good way to relax, we did that a lot in the beginning. When entering me, he would take it very slowly and kiss me very deeply and that served as kind of a "distraction".