how to say no w/o ruining the evening???
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| Sun, 05-06-2007 - 10:33pm |
I've been having trouble with this since I was seventeen... When guys want it, and you want to wait, how do you fend them off without making the think you don't find them desirable?
Lets say for example... you meet with a guy at a chic bar in the city for your first date and you're having a nice time...drinking casually, chatting, flirting etc.the night nears an end (in your mind) and mr irresistable takes you by the hand, walks with you to a romantic spot, looks into your eyes and moves in for the movie star kiss you've always dreamt of.. at this point you've melted and you want him right then and there... he asks you to come up to his apartment and you reactively blurt out yes, entranced by his charm , physique and in complete disbelief that this man actually wants you... the two of you saunter off and make your way up to his apartment, almost without regard for what "upstairs" implies,ALMOST. For an instant you panic and think oh god how am i going to end this evening graciously, like a lady, without ruining it all... and then you let go of yourself, sit far too close to him on his couch and sip on a drink until his eyes meet yours and you've once again melted...the chemistry is almost palpable as he leans in to kiss you. you don't want to have sex, at least not YET, but you feel you've led him on and now must take responsibility for the situation you've created. you want him to like you, which is why you want to give in to your primal urges, but you want him to respect you, which is why you don't want to do it. How, at this stage in the game, do you take the heat down to a low simmer, leave with your dignity and his self esteem intact, and still leave him wanting more??? any advice would be fanatastic!

If you don't "create" the situation, then you have nothing to take responsibility for! You've heard the words "no thank you" I assume. USE them. Don't go to a stranger's apartment.....which is a pretty dangerous thing to do anyway!
If he's a decent guy, he'll be fine with that. If he's looking for a booty call....he won't be fine with it, and you'll be rid of a guy that's out for some sex and nothing more.
If "no" ruins the evening, too bad. You sound like you think you OWE a guy something,and the only person you owe anything to is yourself.....
Welcome to the board felespunkus84.
Well, first off, you should end your date with the kiss in the romantic spot. When he invites you to his apartment, let him know that you'd love to, but you are not ready for that. If he insist that it's not 'for that' and you feel you can trust him, then make a decision based on what he is offering and how you feel at the moment.
You are leading him on if you are getting passionate and then putting on the breaks. By saying no that first time, you are letting him know that you want to be respected, that you're not ready for sex, but that passionate kiss let him know that you are interested in the long run.
Depending on when you do think you want to have sex (don't know if you are waiting for marriage, a certain number of dates or what here), then with subsequent dates, you will have the opportunity to talk to him about your feelings. Let him know that you are interested in developing a relationship with him, but you aren't interested in bedding down with him yet.
If he can't respect your boundaries, then you learned something about him that you needed to know.
my partner in the siggy exchange
What is wrong with just saying no, you don't want to go to his place?
"i think that not going up to the apartment would probably be the best advice... but again, how do you say no to that?... perhaps what would help me more would be an example of what one of you might say to him immediately after he asks you.. a simple "i'm not ready" or a witty remark...and how you might use body language, facial expressione etc to get the point across that yes! i like you but no i'm not ready for that."
How about "I'm flattered that you asked, but I think I'll have to take a rain check on that offer." Another way, "You know, I would love that, but it's going to have to be a bit down the road." Or, "As much as I'd like to, I'm thinking that might not be a good idea just yet."
Your body language and facial expressions are probably already speaking for your interest anyway, so I don't think I would try to plan anything there. It's not a staged event, so I don't even think you can plan those.
my partner in the siggy exchange