How should i tell him what I like?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
How should i tell him what I like?
5
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 4:18pm

Hi everyone, I am posting here again- thanks to everyone for your advice to me in my previous posts.

I have stated that my boyfriend is "rough" with me sometimes meaning he holds me too tight, and squeezes me too tight sometimes. Also, sometimes he will give nice kisses, but then at other times instead of kissing my neck he licks me- i really don't like this. and i need to tell him, but i don't want to insult him or hurt his feelings by telling him i don't like it. but I love little kisses. i was thinking the next time we start to get intimate, i will just tell him i need to talk to him about something -and tell him not to be rough with me and so on. i told him this once before and he said he was sorry and it was just that his feelings are so intense. but it hurts me. i think i will say to him, "this is how i want to be kissed"(including whole body) and then i will demonstrate on him. i feel like telling him you just lay there and relax and let me do everything to show him the way i want it done. Do you think he will be offended if i do this? I don't think he will because after we have sex he always asks me if it was enjoyable for me. I feel bad to tell him no- so i just say yeah. Since he is asking me if i liked it then maybe he is having some doubts? Do you have any suggestions for me? Remember i am quite shy but i don't want to keep having this issue- because everything else in our relationship is really great- and i am very attracted to him but whenever we start getting intimate (he is ALWAYS the one who initiates sex), i find myself backing away and now that i have thought about it, i don't enjoy the sex most of the time because of the issues mentioned above.
Sorry for all the postings, but everyone has been so helpful to me here- all your comments and advice is much welcomed! Thanks.

Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 4:58pm

I think your situation is a classic example of male-female miscommunication. Don't just say 'yeah' when he asks you if it was enjoyable because then he thinks the way he has been touching you is good. You are giving him mixed messages when you say it is enjoyable and then tell him later to go lighter. I think you should have a conversation outside the bedroom, not when things are starting to get hot & heavy. Tell him that although you think you have great chemistry and like having sex with him, his touch is often too rough and ends up hurting you. Also tell him that you didn't say anything before because you were concerned about hurting his feelings. However, you feel it is important to bring this up because you know he wouldn't want to hurt you. Then, as you suggested, show him how you like it. Then mention that you like the way he kisses, etc. but you don't really like it when he licks you.

It's a fine balance between not bruising the male ego and being straight forward, so tell him what you like and then tell him what needs to be improved to make it even better. Most guys love to please their women, if only the women would give them some clear directions. It boggles my mind how many women don't say anything because they are afraid of hurting feelings, being perceived as slutty, or not feeling entitled to pleasure too. As people on this board keep saying, sex is about mutual pleasure. Good for you for taking steps to improve communication and sex in your relationship.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 4:58pm

I think your suggestion of having him lie there and receive affection YOUR way is a great idea.

Remind him that you are a woman, so you don't enjoy rough handling or being licked instead of kissed. Tell him that your skin and body are more delicate than his so his roughness hurts you.

None of this has to be said in an accusatory way though but just matter of factly, using "I" instead of "YOU" in all your sentences. As in "I need more tender touches and caresses" or "I like to be kissed this way." If all he hears is "YOU hurt me" or "YOU don't kiss me right" though, he will only become defensive.

SHOW him what kind of touch you like and he should respond. Good Luck~

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-26-2005
Mon, 08-07-2006 - 5:07pm

I think you really need to sit down with him and tell him excactly how you feel (sorry to tell you but just hinting at stuff with guys does not work; you HAVE to be direct to have a chance of getting through to him). Do this outside of the bedroom and in a non-confrontational way. Reassure him of how you feel about him and all the good in your relationship together. But you need to tell him how you feel about the different things you don't like and be honest "When you kiss me to hard it hurts me sometimes" "When you lick me this or that way it makes me feel uncomfortable". And when he asks you if you enjoyed this or that and you didn't, Tell him. Lying and saying you liked it only re-enforces with him that he is doing everything right or worse yet, decides you might like more and more of the same. If he is hurting you during sex Tell him so, Tell him to STOP, tell him what you want him to be doing, even if at that point what you want is to put on your clothes and have a serious talk.

I know this stuff sounds hard but he needs to know your boundries, and once he is told what they are he needs to respect them. Because if he knowingly doesn't respect your boundries, then he really is showing that he does not have respect for you. That really does not work in a relationship. You really need the honesty, open communication and trust.

Good Luck!
-k

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Tue, 08-08-2006 - 12:29am

Why are you SOOO worried about HIS feelings? What about YOUR feelings? Is it ok that he hurts you, that you're not enjoying what he's doing and you're getting no pleasure from it?

There are TWO of you there.......and BOTH of you are supposed to enjoy it. If you're not enjoying it, there's only one way to change it.....TELL HIM. Too bad if his feelings are hurt, he will survive.

If you want to "show" him......fine, if he'll let you. If he doesn't let you, then you have to stop him every time he does something you don't like. Take his hand, or his mouth or whatever it is, and MOVE it, and tell him NO!

If he's got such an ego that he thinks he knows everything there is to know about sex, then he's got a problem. Maybe his last g/f liked him to be rough with her. That's fine, but he needs to understand that all women are different, and he doesn't treat them all the same.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2005
Wed, 08-09-2006 - 3:33pm
Hi, and thank you to everyone for all your helpful advice. i appreciate all your thoughtful responses. Thank you!