How soon?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
How soon?
5
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:30am

Hi all,

I'm a 24 year old virgin. I decided long ago that I wouldn't have sex until it felt right and I truly loved someone. I've been dating a guy for about a month and a half. Neither of us is seeing anyone else. Last weekend I told him about my virginity and how I've decided to wait for the previously stated reasons. He told me it's not a problem and has been completely respectful.

Last week I went to my first gyno apointment and even got on birth control. The thought of giving myself to this guy doesn't scare me - which is something very new to me. It hasn't been always easy to abstain, but I've never felt the desire or trust to be with someone to this extent.

I'm sure there's no right answer to this question (as every situation is different,) however, I'm wondering: how soon is it "smart" to have sex in a relationship? Meaning, I don't want to look easy and I want to be as 'sure' as I can that I'm in something stable. Is it best to wait a certain number of months? Until they say they love you?

I'm pretty sure I'd feel comfortable having sex with him now, but we've only been dating a little over a month (communicating for 3, we met through online dating). I just want to be sure he knows how important the decision is to me.

I feel kind of silly asking this question, but I'm just curious.

Thanks for your replies. :)

Pink

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
In reply to: pinkdaisy4939
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:01am

"They" say that you'll know when you're ready! You've made all the preparations, good for you. Are you aware that the b/c pills aren't really effective for the first month? That's something to think about.

You've waited 24 years, another month or two won't hurt, either.....as long as he seems ok with it, and he does at this point. Don't even try to "plan" a time.....just let nature take it's course......and some day when you're just "making out" (or whatever the operative word is these days) just let it go all the way. It's much better when it's spontaeous. If you try to plan a certain time, you'll be nervous, worried, etc. If you just let it happen.....it'll be much better and much more enjoyable.

I don't know what "other" things you've done.....everyone has their own version of "virginity"....but just remember, make sure you have plenty of foreplay before you try to have intercourse. You've thought of everything else, one other thing you should do to prepare is get some sexual lubricant and have it on hand for whenever it happens.....sometimes until you're more relaxed about it, you don't lubricate well, that's what usually causes virgins pain. Get some, and when the time comes, USE it.

Don't worry about it, don't let anyone tell you horrible tales about it, just go with your feelings, and let it happen. Good Luck! Enjoy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2006
In reply to: pinkdaisy4939
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 1:58am

Thanks for your reply!

I do realize that BC pills aren't effective the first month. Thanks for the reminder. :) I'm tempted to make it 'known' that I'm now on the pill. (Just so he knows that I hope/plan for him to be 'that person'.) I wouldn't know how I'd go about making it known, though. And it's not something I just want to say in every day conversation.

Another month or so sounds about right. I'd also like to hear the words "exclusive" from him. I've slept over at his house, met his parents, and neither of us is seeing anyone else. He also talks about the near future and calls every day.

We'll see what happens.

Thanks again!

Pink

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
In reply to: pinkdaisy4939
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 2:18am

You say you'd "like to hear" the word "exclusive" from him? Then tell him that. Don't start out by being afraid to ask for what you want, and don't ever "assume" anything!

If you feel you know him well enough to sleep with him, then you should be able to say anything you want to him, including....."I went to the Dr. and I'm on the pill now", as well as......I am not asking for a lifetime commitment, but I'm not comfortable having sex with you unless we are "exclusive" and stay that way unless things change between us.

It's not unreasonable to ask for exclusivity......it's healthy in this day and age.

Again, if you're ready for sex with him, you should be able to say anything, and discuss anything.....if you can't be open and honest with him, maybe it's not time yet.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
In reply to: pinkdaisy4939
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 5:45am
One thing to consider might be this: If you have sex with him and the two of you break up a week later for whatever reasons, would you regret having had sex with him? Would you beat yourself up over it? If you could say to yourself "Even though we broke up because of whatever, I made the right decision about having sex with him at the time" then you're probably well and truly ready.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: pinkdaisy4939
Sun, 04-29-2007 - 12:36pm

Welcome to the board Pink. It really sounds like you are thinking about all the right things and asking all the right questions. I can totally understand your desire to only be having sex in a committed (exclusive) relationship. The other members have given you some great advice.

The only thing I would add is to also use the added protection of a condom. How many sexual partners has he had? If your relationship progresses to the point where the two of you are trying to build a LTR, then perhaps get tested for STDs and forget about condoms, but at the early stages, I would recommend using them as added precaution.

I also wanted to comment on the "how soon" part of your question. I have had two true loves in my live, and sex with several other people in between. My first true love was the guy I lost my virginity too. Like you, I began preparing by going on the pill and such long before I let him know he was "the one". That relationship lasted for 3 years, and sadly ended because he had a drug problem. Fast forward 10 years later, and I was 27 when I met my husband. I moved into his neighborhood in June, started dating him in September, and we were married the following May! We weren't pregnant or anything like that, we were just both sure -- that was 16 years ago ;-), and it was the best decision I have ever made in my life.

You will know what feels right, so trust your instinct. Be happy with the decision that you make, and know that you did it for the right reasons.



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