How to talk about sex with your BF

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
How to talk about sex with your BF
18
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 8:16am

I love my BF so much and our sex life is great, it's just sometimes I wish I had more manual or oral stimulation. Sometimes he does it and the orgasm is amazing and the last time he ded that I commented on how we have to do that alot more, but I wonder if he got my point as to if it was the manual stimulation I wanted more of or the sex itself.

I'll go down on him for quite some time and then when it's my turn it's not as long and he's all fired up and ready to go well mean while I'm wanting more clitoral stimulation. It's not that IC doesn't feel amazing b/c it does and I love how the feeling of him inside of me, but if I orgasm the feeling is so much more intense when we move onto intercourse.

I don't know how to bring this up without hurting his feeling. I don't want him to think he's not pleasing me b/c he does, and I don't want him to think I need to orgasm every time, b/c when we have a quickie it's kind of tough. It tends to take me a little while, but it does like most females. Sometimes it can take five minutes and others longer or sometimes not at all. What do I do? How do I bring this topic up and when do I bring it up. It's not like there is no forplay b/c there is I just need it a little longer. One time we we're laying on the couch and he had his head on my lap and he just reached his hand under my night shirt and started playing with me, the fact that he was laying there watching me and he was just taking his time, the orgasm was so fast and intense and WOW is all I can say.

What do I do? I need advice! Oh and sometimes I wonder if he doesn't like going down on me...I tend to get really wet and I don't know if going down on me isn't his favorite thing when I'm so wet. He's never said anything about it and he does go down on me but he doesn't do it for too long and I don't know if he just thinks that was good enough for me or if he doesn't like it that much. I know guys don't get the whole fact that it takes women a lot longer to orgasm then them...so how do I get my point across without sounding mean

HELP

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 9:15am

What you do is tell him just what you said here.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 10:06am

How long have you and your BF been together? I know it can be difficult to talk about sex early on in a relationship, but if you want the relationship to continue to develop, you should try stepping outside of your comfort zone and talking to him about this. Bring it up during a conversation outside of the bedroom, and to avoid making him feel guilty, use "I" statements (not "you" statements). Saying things like, "I need more time to climax" or "I think my body is being stubborn, but I want to have more orgasms", are great ways to open the conversation.

There might also be some subtle changes you can make to help your situation out.

Perhaps have him go down on you first. If he is anxious for intercourse, he may skip you going down on him at all. Sometimes this will help him last longer during intercourse, which will lead to more pleasure for you as well.

During intercourse, do either of you stimulate your clitoris? If neither of you are doing this, something should change there. If you're not comfortable either asking him to stimulate you, or stimulating yourself, then introduce a vibrator. He will feel pleasurable sensations during it's use too, and if you are comfortable using a vibrator together, he can include that in foreplay on you as well.

What's happening after he has an orgasm? Are you letting him know that you aren't "finished yet"? If you aren't comfortable telling him you need more, then what are you doing to show him you need more? Are you encouraging him to go for round 2, or have you tried to get him to stimulate you manually or orally after intercourse?

You could also try buying a book about sexuality, or having him visit the website www.the-clitoris.com with you. Again, you could make either of those about you and not him.



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket




my partner in the siggy exchange






iVillage Member
Registered: 04-28-2003
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 10:36am

We've been together for a little over a year so it is fairly new. I guess I have to learn to be more verbal about what I want and more specific about it. Sometimes I think that b/c I get so wet that maybe he thinks that means I'm turned on and ready to go, but he pretty much has to touch me and that happens :) Normally after he climaxes we cuddle we have gone for round two plenty of times but how do I say I'm not finished without it coming out wrong. It's not like I can just say " well I know your done but I'm not so keep going". What's the best way to say it, I'm really into intercourse and it feels great but I don't orgasm from it, the pleasure is more intense if I orgasm before intercourse.

I guess the hard thing is that I know what I want I just don't know how to say it without insulting him, especially when we're in the midst of things. He does stimulate my clitoris during intercourse but not long enough and I guess I have to speak up and tell him not to stop. Also if I need more from him after he finishes and I want him to stimulate me, how do I go about doing that? I would feel weird asking him to go down on me b/c I would feel that he may think it wasn't good for me.

Thanks in advance

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 10:42am
*It's not like I can just say, "Well I know you're done but I'm not so keep going".*

Why not? Throw a *please* in there and it doesn't sound harsh at all. Like the others have said, if you don't tell him you're not finished, how is he supposed to know?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 11:08am

There is the option of providing your own stimulation. It will certainly send a clear message to him that you want more of it, and it will probably add to his own pleasure. From my experience, men love it when a woman does so. Another thing you could do is put his hand back on you.

But, I think communication is probably your key. Have you tried talking dirty during sex? Sometimes you can belt out what you need in the midst of dirty talk, and he will love it!

But, mostly, to have an effective conversation you need to do so outside of the bedroom. This way, you can both discuss your wants and needs, and find ways to improve your sex life for the benefit of both of you. I've listed a lot of articles below. They will help you with communication in general as well as about sexual issues.

Speak Up! Ask Him for What You Want
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,7ffztdxn,00.html

How can I get my guy to listen?
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,guystellall_9nmljwsn,00.html

Get Through to Your Man: 5 Tips for Better Communication
http://love.ivillage.com/lnm/lnmgetcloser/0,,84s,00.html

3 Communication Pitfalls to Avoid
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,7mcw,00.html

Solutions to Your Top Two Communication Problems
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,saver_7p3g,00.html

5 Secrets of Getting a Man to Open Up
http://love.ivillage.com/lnsproblems/lnscommunicate/0,,saver_79jcxw99,00.html



Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket




my partner in the siggy exchange






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 11:28am

You have to stop worrying about what you *think* he'll think or feel.

Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-28-2006
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 1:07pm

Great advice has been givin and I agree with it all.

Remember men love a lady on the sreets and a freak in the sheets.
He will love you telling him in bed what he's doing right. You never
have to tell him what he's doing wrong. Just guide his hands where you
want or you could do it. I don't think their are men that don't like seeing
there woman take control. It shows confidence. Don't be afraid to be a bad girl.
When he goes down on you let him know how much pleasure it brings to you. Talk
dirty like some of the other members have said. He will love this new side of you.
And if that's to much then talk to him out side of the bedroom. As long as you don't
put down his penis or say something mean to him about his technique I don't see why
it would hurt his feelings. If he loves and wants to please you he will be very happy
to hear your desires.

Kareese

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2005
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 3:12pm

Hi nygirl,
I would suggest having a talk over coffee sometime soon. Let him know that a lady's wetness is her equivalent to his erection. You get very turned on by him sexually which is why you get so wet. This should make him feel good and get the ball rolling. Then next time try this: First, after making out have him lie sideways to you (scissors position) so he can give you oral and you can stroke his penis. Go very lightly with your touching of him so his arousal comes on slowly. Second, keep him interested by telling him how great he looks and how fantastic what he is doing to you feels but let him focus on you until YOU are ready to give him oral or have him come into you. You determine when it's time to move on. (This may sound a bit bossy - but he needs to know that women take longer than guys to have a climax and this works fantastically for you and for most women.) Third, don't give him oral first or he will have a VERY hard time holding back from wanting to come into you too soon. Most guys need to learn that having an erection for awhile feels more intense as the erection goes on. And you need to know that if you keep him erect for a long time his penis will need to come down from time to time to "catch his breath". Erections slow down oxygen to his penis so they can only stay hard for so long before they need to come down for awhile. When this happens do not take it as a put down to you. Give him five minutes and he'll be ready to go again. (You'd be surprised how many women do not know this about men.)

As for scissors position and kissing my DW, we do this almost everytime we make love and she has an orgasm (or two or three) before I come into her. I did not "get it" how women worked sexually until a lady love years ago gave me a summer's worth of teaching. She was VERY experienced and I was a novice so I was gladly her understudy. Talk about a win-win! Teach him and he will love you for the rest of his life. Trust me.
blonde

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 3:25pm
There are two magic words! DON'T STOP! When he's doing what you want him to do, then just SAY IT! Unless he's got a horrendous inferiority complex, why would he get upset? (And if he does have a horrendous inferiority complex, you've got lots of problems with him!) Most guys want to know they're pleasing their partner, and what better way to let him know? DON'T STOP!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-09-2007
Sat, 07-21-2007 - 4:05pm

Hmm every guy I've been with it's taken them a LOT longer to orgasm..

~Meg mommy to River
Where in NY you live? I'm in da BX now

Pages