How Would You Handle This?
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| Sun, 07-10-2005 - 11:12am |
I got married to my long time boyfriend 2 weeks ago. The other night, he said that he wanted to try to world of anal sex. I totally froze. I was married once before for 6 years and was abused and terrorized by my ex husband.
One of the tings he would do is catch me asleep, and I would be woke up with him on top of me, doing his thing. The thing is, he didn't care if I was on my back, it was vaginal but if I was asleep on my stomach, he would do the other.
I have been psychologically shut off to anal sex because of that, and when he makes mention of that, I actually get sick. My husband says that he loves me, and he is wonderful, and he says that he wants to strengthen our bond, and he thinks that if I can overcome that taboo it will help us be closer.
I can't seem to wrap my mind around it. What should I do? Should I submit myself to this "exercise in trust" or stand my ground on this issue?

No, I don't believe you should ever *submit* to anything that you are uncomfortable with and especially with something that violated you in your past.
What happened in your marriage was RAPE. It's not that you don't LIKE it, it terrifies you, and if your new husband doesn't understand that, he's pretty dense. Sorry, doing something you don't want to do does NOT strengthen your bond. If he wants a strong bond, then he'd better learn to be tolerant of you, and NOT try to talk you into something you definitely do NOT want to do. This has nothing to do with trust, either. This isn't a "taboo" for you, you were traumatized, and you can't do it, simple as that. This isn't something you can just "get over".....at least not without some professional help.
YOu shouldn't have to "stand your ground", either. He should be loving and caring enough to understand how you feel, and he should just shut up about it. END of story. Tell him ONCE that you won't do it, and you don't want to discuss it again.