How wrong is this???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
How wrong is this???
47
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:57am

EDITED TO JUST ASK THE QUESTION.


Is it wrong to fantasize about your X while masturbating and/or having sex with an SO?


I feel it is wrong to fantasize while having sex with an SO, although masturbating seems not so good, especially if your sex life is on the rocks, but if you're single, I see no issue with it.


Your thoughts.

(You'd think I would've learned by now to keep my personal life out of any questoins.....duh!)



Edited 8/24/2004 1:13 pm ET ET by tigger1_92
Avatar for sugarbeat
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:35pm
i guess your question doesn't make sense to me. is it wrong? you can't control your fantasies so how can it be wrong? what i see as wrong is not working on the relationship at hand and retreating to the fantasy regularly. if he is always fantasizing, their sex can't be very intimate cause he isn't very present.

the few times that an ex has popped into my head during sex it was the biggest turn off for me and i had to stop having sex immediately. i just told my partner i wasn't feeling well. it's too emotionally uncomfortable for me to continue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 1:52pm
I'd say...while masturbating, yes, I do sometimes fantsize about an ex. Not my ex wife, because we didn't have agood sex life. But there were others before her that I had some good times with...such as my first BJ...and I will always cherish that memory and use it to fantsize. I do also use my current SO in fantasy.

Is it wrong, no...just private.

Hope that answers your question.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:49pm

<<>>


First, I agree with the masturbation part, and I do think it feeds HIS interest in sex with me. That's why I don't like him even thinking about it.


Secondly. Do you think it's okay to talk about intimate sexual things with a person of the opposite sex? That's all it is to us, for the most part. Only when he's hard up does he turn the talk into more. Otherwise, it's all just logistics.


And therefore, it's not "initmiate sexual talk". Like I said, what you know isn't 100% and talking about how to make his GF orgasm, isn't intimate sexual talk. It's just talk. I guess, if you felt talking about sex was "intimate" then you wouldn't be on this board. I don't feel it's intimate, with ANYONE. Especially, if I'm talking logistics of "how to". Even with my bf, I am very "school-like" and not "intimate" when we talk about sex and what we like.


Oh well. Judge as you will. Everyone sees things differently. What and how we talk, isn't intimate. It ONLY pushes that line when HE is hard up and starts talking dirty to me. And that is when *I* tell him to stop, remind him he's cheating on his gf, or log off.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:53pm

I'd have to agree here. I turn the tables, if my bf was thinking about his xgf, yuck. I'd be really hurt. If he thought about her during masturbation, hurt also. Because I know my jealousy factor would kick in and wonder why he can't fantasize about me.


I guess I asked because in the beginning of me and my bf, we had sex issues, and I WOULD masturbate while fantasizing about my xh, and I soon learned that it was only hindering my sex life with my bf. So, I would fantasize about my bf and soon enough, was always so hot for him, and the xh was out of my head.


I see it as wrong mostly because I think for my xh, fantasizing about me would and probably does hinder his already failing sex life with this gf. Because there comes a time when your sex life is so bad, you want the fantasy. And that would be me. I see that as being wrong and bad. Mostly because when BF and I were rocky in that dept, I noticed the more I fantasized about ANYONE else, it made me not want to have sex with the BF, cuz he wasn't "good enough".


Thanks for your thoughts. I too do the "test", on every aspect of my life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:57pm

Hmmm.....I guess for myself and my xh, we can control our fantasies. I have "stories" that I play out while masturbating. So, I can control who's playing the male lead.


If my xh or any X for that matter pops into my head during sex, I immediately tune it out and concentrate on my bf.


I guess, tha'ts what I meant. Since you don't really control your fantasies, then yeah, I can understand why it wouldn't make any sense. =)


Also, I agree that my xh is retreating into a fantasy world. When we first started talking all he could remember about us was all the great times, blah blah blah. I brought up one negative and all he said was, "I'd really rather just think about the good". Which reminds me why I'm divorced from him. He ALWAYS lived in a fantasy world. And unfortunately, for him, they don't work on the sex part much, but tha'ts his choice to stay.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 2:59pm

That does. Thank you.


I think personally, it shouldn't take away from your current r'ship if you're fantasizing about an X, but I also know if you're having sex issues with your SO, that fantasizing about an X can create chaos in the "head" part of the game. Which is one big reason I told my xh to stop that and fantasize about his GF instead.


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 3:08pm
>>Secondly. Do you think it's okay to talk about intimate sexual things with a person of the opposite sex?<<

Depends. Someone I had been previously intimate with, No. Someone I had an attraction to, No. Here on an anonymous message board that I read with my DH? YES.

>>That's all it is to us, for the most part. Only when he's hard up does he turn the talk into more. Otherwise, it's all just logistics.<<

This is exaclty the problem. The fact that he doesn't want to/can't keep it on a simply platonic level is where the problem lies.

>>Like I said, what you know isn't 100% and talking about how to make his GF orgasm, isn't intimate sexual talk. It's just talk.<<

And like I said, you can say nothing to change my view of this situation. Why is he asking YOU how to help her orgasm and NOT HER? You are NO HELP in that area unless you have had sex with her and know her hot spots.

>>I guess, if you felt talking about sex was "intimate" then you wouldn't be on this board.<<

It's situational. I come to this board with my DH's full knowledge of what I do and say here, and he reads posts as well. I would nto be ashamed for him to know anything that I do here or anywhere. I would bet your BF would be upset to know you continue speaking about sex with a man you were previously intimate with and keeps trying to get you to have cyber sex with him.

>>And that is when *I* tell him to stop, remind him he's cheating on his gf, or log off.<<

So, once you get your ego boost you log off? It has finally become clear. You continue this inappropriate talk with him because you LIKE that he thinks about you sexually still, it boosts your ego to think that he would cross the line thinking about you, which is why you asked your question. After a couple of times of him trying to engage in cyber sex with you or crossing the line into intimate talk it should be clear what his intentions are. You like being chased? Turning him down repeatedly? I think you need to look into yourself and figure out why you would continue a relationship like this. I think his thinking about you while masturbating is secondary.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 1:33am
I agree. I talk with my exgf sometimes, we are still very close. SHe has a boyfriend right now and generally we don't talk about her having sex with him. However, we do talk about sex in general. I recognize that there is some danger in this but it isn't that big a deal for us. If I had a gf, she might not like what we said, but that would be why I wouldn't invite her in on the conversations. Ditto for my ex. We have boundaries that we both understand and that work for us. I would be really annoyed with anyone who would presume to make unsolicited judgements about our relationship. I just wouldn't participate in that because I know that they wouldn't be able to contribute in a meaningfull way based on the info I've given. JMHO

-phat

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 1:54pm

Phat,


Thanks. I know I got defensive and it's mostly because you never know what is going on in ppl's lives via the board. AND every person has different values. Some ppl think open r'ships are fine and okay, so I could openly HAVE sex with another man and him a woman. And for ppl to judge me on their values and say what has been said, just bugs me.


Glad to know I'm not the only one out there. Thanks.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 7:04pm
JMHO - but if you only post part of a 'story', expect to get answers based on just that part. If the 'rest of the story' matters, for heaven's sake post it!

Lots of times posters will read more (or less) into a situation than actually exists - I know I've been guilty of that - but when you post questions on the Internet asking for advice, don't get mad at people who have taken time out of their day to actually respond to you. If it doesn't apply to you or you don't like the advice, move on.