How wrong is this???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
How wrong is this???
47
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:57am

EDITED TO JUST ASK THE QUESTION.


Is it wrong to fantasize about your X while masturbating and/or having sex with an SO?


I feel it is wrong to fantasize while having sex with an SO, although masturbating seems not so good, especially if your sex life is on the rocks, but if you're single, I see no issue with it.


Your thoughts.

(You'd think I would've learned by now to keep my personal life out of any questoins.....duh!)



Edited 8/24/2004 1:13 pm ET ET by tigger1_92
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 7:21pm
THat's all true. THe problem is that the OP said in at least two posts, that she just didn't want advice about her relationship. SHe said she just wanted to know people's stances on fantasizing about exes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 08-25-2004 - 7:25pm
>>SHe said she just wanted to know people's stances on fantasizing about exes.<<

JMHO, but her relationship with the person in question has a bearing on whether or not it was appropriate. Considering how much she has involved herself in his sex life, it seems inappropriate for him to keep fantasizing about her.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 2:56pm

Well, actually, I wasn't asking for advice on my life and if I"m being moral or not. I asked if what HE was doing was wrong. I wasn't asking about myself nor my life. Therefore, I don't believe the whole story matters. I just wanted to konw if ppl felt what he was doing was wrong, or okay.


And you're right ppl do read more or less into things. I too am guilty of that. But nowhere did I ask, "is what I'm doing moral?". So, therefore, it was unsolicitied advice. I was trying to explain, not defend myself, because I think understanding someone else's viewpoint is VERY important but the poster I was "arguing" with said, NOTHING you say cna change my mind. So, I gave up, said my piece, obviously it was removed, and then said please dont' respond and as you can see, I"m not longer responding to her. I am now responding to you.


I hope that made sense. I'm not arguing with anything, I am only asking one question, and it isn't about MY morals and MY life. It's about a man who masturbates and has sex with his gf while he fantasizes abut his xw. If I wanted advice on my life and what my actions are saying or not saying, then I wouldn't care if ppl blasted me. But I didn't. So I don't like ppl judging me based on what little I have said.


I guess, to me, that's right up there with judging me because of my race. You (not you specifically, you as a plural) saw one little thing and made huge assumptions.




Edited 8/26/2004 4:04 pm ET ET by tigger1_92
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 7:04pm
Um... I sympathesize with your frustration, but I don't think that a few people slightly misinterpreting your post and giving some misdirected advice is anything like racial prejudice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Thu, 08-26-2004 - 9:46pm
Personally, I think what he is doing is very, very wrong and unfair to her. It may not be intimate talk to you, but if he's revealing private information about her or their sex life, than I would think *she* would consider it very intimate and a betrayal.

Nothing wrong about fantasizing about an ex and many people probably do. And if he fantasizes about you, I would hope he wouldn't share this information with her. I can't control DH's thoughts during sex but if he's thinking about a coworker or Julia Roberts, I'd rather not know, lol. But I'd feel really uncomfortable if I were in your shoes and I would not let an ex continue to discuss his current sex life with me, either in talk or actions. He's the ex for a reason, time for him to get that through his head. Even if there were no feelings on part for him, I wouldn't want to hear about it. And I'd feel very uncomfortable having that much insider information on his current partner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 1:57pm

I guess what I meant to compare it to is "stereotypes" and "prejudice" meaning ppl who just judge someone based on very little facts, versus what they truly are inside. Maybe racism was too extreme.


I mean, I don't like being judged that I'm passive because I'm asian. So, same thing goes to saying I'm 29 and believing I know nothing. It's little information to go off of.


Hope that makes better sense.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 2:02pm

I understand what you are saying, but I guess, since I'm not involved with him, nor do I see him in any light but a person/friend, I don't see how it's wrong for him to discuss it with me. I mean, if ANY of my male, OR female friends discussed their sex life with me, for opinions or vents, I don't see how it's violating their partners trust.


I guess then, that would question ppl who post on this board.


Also, yes, he's an X for a reason. And well I guess hearing about him and his gf in ANY light shows me that he's over me, and since I'm okay hearing about him talk about her, as I am with any male friend, it shows me I'm over him and we're doing okay.


I guess, when ppl say they are friends with their X's, I wonder if everyone in general thinks it's all wrong to be friends.


I am trying to be his friend, but he's pushing that line. And being a friend means I'm okay talking to him about his gf, sex and all.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 3:32pm

<.>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 5:21pm

Interesting. I guess I'm just different then.


Mostly because I don't care if my DBF talks to his good friends about me and our sex life if he has issues, as long as they don't look at me funny. I talk about our sex life issues with my friends for support and advice. I see nothing wrong with it.


I talk to my Xbf and XH about my sex life in hopes they can help because they KNOW me, and I tell bf I have talked to them. As he says, "I understand you need to talk to someone about it, just make sure they never repeat anything to me". And well, I say fine.


So, I guess I'm just different in what is acceptable to talk about with X's and friends than you or others on the board. To me, it doesnt' matter if its a stranger or my best friend. If I need to talk, I will. And ALL my x's have been fine with it. And I have been fine with them talking about us if they need to with someone else. Oh well. Different strokes for different folks.


Agree to disagree?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 6:55pm
Fine, if you're ok with it and he's ok with it -but what about HER??? Maybe SHE'S not ok with it. It's not just about you, it's about her intimate information being shared with someone else, without her knowledge. That's where I see a problem. Is he totally, 1005 open and honest with her, about what he talks about and with who, and is she ok with it all? If not, then he is not being fair to his partner.

For the record, DH and I don't discuss our sex lives with people we know IRL, except in the most vague way. No details, nothing like that. I don't want the guys at work knowing how I sound or what I/we do or don't do, when I'm sitting at the table with them during the holiday party. But he knows I post here and he used to too - and we're both fine with that. I'm not facing anyone here, no one even knows who I really am or even what my name is, except for two people.