How wrong is this???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
How wrong is this???
47
Tue, 08-24-2004 - 11:57am

EDITED TO JUST ASK THE QUESTION.


Is it wrong to fantasize about your X while masturbating and/or having sex with an SO?


I feel it is wrong to fantasize while having sex with an SO, although masturbating seems not so good, especially if your sex life is on the rocks, but if you're single, I see no issue with it.


Your thoughts.

(You'd think I would've learned by now to keep my personal life out of any questoins.....duh!)



Edited 8/24/2004 1:13 pm ET ET by tigger1_92
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 8:12pm

Well, according to him, he's 100% open and honest with her. Now, if he's lying to me, how would I know? and also, I would take her into consideration if she was someone I cared about, BUT, because it's HIS responsibility to not talk about their sex life, out of respect for her, then I can only assume that if he's talking to me about it, either she knows, or he's not respecting her wishes, or her privacy.


I only know what *I* know. I don't know what is true and what isn't when it comes to what goes on between them. I can only assume he's being real with me, but how do I really know that? I don't.


To be frank, I see no difference of me talking about my bf, you giving me advice about him, and him not liking it, and therefore you are disrespecting his privacy. But like I said, that's me. What I talk about with you on the this board, and what I talk about with my very close friends, I don't see any difference. They know me, I'm honest, I'm blunt. My bf knows this and he understands my need to "talk" to someone else to get a clear head instead of just babbling all of this to him first. He knows that, respects it, allows it, and is okay with it.


What other ppl do, in other r'ships, is their business. If you're here under false pretenses, it's not my fault. I would respect anyone's wishes if they made it known to me. But until then, I only go off of what I know. And as far as I know, xh said he's 100% honest with his gf. Which means I am to assume she knows we chat, she knows what we may talk about, she konws. If she doesn't. HE's at fault. Not me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 9:20pm
I feel sorry for his GF, this whole situation seems so inappropriate to me. I guess I equate it to being the other woman in an affair. It's HIS wife and HIS vows, so therefore I(the other woman) am absolved of any responsibility or guilt. It's sad when anybody can't think of anyone but themselves.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 10:13pm
Can't help but wonder, does he say "Yeah, I talk to the ex on occasion" or does he say "I tell the ex about our sex life, what turns you on or off, and ask for her advice on what to do to you."??? Wonder if her response would be the same no matter which it is?

I think *he's* being dishonest to *2* women and someone's ego is getting stroked by the attention.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Mon, 08-30-2004 - 10:18pm
<>

I never said YOU were disrespecting her privacy, I said HE was. It isn't about you. If you come here and post something and get feedback, no one here is disrespecting anything or anyone. But if your BF didn't like you revealing info and you continued to do it, then yes, IMO, you are disrespecting the wishes of the one person you should respect. Maybe she's ok with it, maybe she isn't. But I would most likely bet that she has no idea of the stuff he talks to you about. And so he is being disrespectful and deceitful.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 2:57pm

Edited to respect Yarn Lovers request




Edited 8/31/2004 6:33 pm ET ET by tigger1_92
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 3:01pm

Well, I"m sure you'll all be happy to hear that I'm sending him a "good-bye" email. He is my past for a reason, even if we have closure, if ppl like you think we're fooling around and not being honest, then I can't for one minute think that ppl in my life think I'm being honest either.


I know we're not doing anything, but since all of you see otherwise, I'd rather be safe than sorry. I care more about my bf than my xh. And even though my bf doesn't care, I do care what rumors are around us and that he has to listen to (assuming anyone knew). And I'd rather my bf never question any of my actions as many of you have here. Although, he never has. And that's one reason I love him, because he trusts me, never reads more into anything than what it is, and understands my need to talk to ppl about my issues, even if they involve him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 3:44pm
I was speaking to Tally about this topic in general, not about you. If you seriously don't wish for me to post to you(as you asked previously), then that is a two way street. You can't post to me and expect me to remain quiet while you freely respond to what I say.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 5:19pm
<>

I din't think that it's really a matter of being dishonest or not open about it to your new b/f. I think what most people are trying to say is that conversations about your new sex life with someone of the opposite sex that you used to know intimately (eg. an ex-husband, ex-b/f, ex-g/f) are driven by questionable motives.

Most people see their sex life as intimate and personal. The whole idea of breaking up with someone is that you are removing them from the intimate and personal parts of your life. If you continue to talk to them about these intimate and personal parts of your life there has to be some question about WHY you still feel a need to involve them. Likewise, there is a question mark over why THEY have a desire to talk about sex with you on a regular basis. It's all complicated more because you have had sex with this person in the past and it's not _just_ talk.

As you've quite rightly pointed out, people begin to wonder why you are talking about sex with an ex-partner whom you have had sex with. It's one thing for the boys to talk about sex. It's one thing for the girls to talk about sex. But it's another thing entirely when the boys and girls start talking about sex one-on-one.

Although you are OK about it, and he says that both he and his new partner are OK about it, the feeling about these sort of conversations amongst the general population makes it odd that ALL three of you are OK with it. And because you haven't it heard directly from the new g/f, it makes it very likely that your ex is lying about it.

As you've said, it's better to be safe than sorry in a situation like this even though your b/f trusts you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:29pm
Well put Westridge. The thing that coumpounded it for me was that he had repeatedly tried to engage her in cyber sex which makes his motives no longer questionable, but now totally clear.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 6:34pm
Will do. Go see my old post.