Hubby and daughter's friends
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Hubby and daughter's friends
| Mon, 11-01-2004 - 2:40pm |
My daughter had a Halloween sleepover party last night(15 & 16) year olds. We have a huge house, but there were so many girls that they stayed in two bedrooms. About three in the morning, I woke up and found my DH masturbating while looking through the crack of one of the bedrooms(not the one where my daughter was sleeping). Is this normal?

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It is not perfectly normal for a man to masturbate watching 15 yr olds and oogling over 17 yr olds.
An attraction to a teen is normal, even for an older man; after, our society sets up youthful beauty as the norm (Brittany Spears, etc. etc.). HOWEVER, at your husbands' age he should have more control over his boundries. An attraction is just that, an attraction, it is instantaneous and completely non-threatening to anyone. It is when a man indulges that attraction when it can be a problem. Masturbating while peeking through a cracked door is definitely indulging the behavior. He should be as disturbed by this as you and he should talk to a professional.
Scott.
Last night, your DH crossed the line. You need to discuss this with him and find out if it's happened before. If it has, he needs some help. Young girls should NOT have to fear being spied on by a friend's father during a sleepover. This is no different than a Peeping Tom in the backyard.
But it is *not* ok to act upon those feelings. The fact that you even ask 'is it ok?' shows that you're not entirely sure. His actions show a remarkable lack of control. That alone is scary to me. Any kid in my house, male or female, is as safe with me or my DH as they are at home. There are NO sexual feelings about it at all. DH even has a hard time with 21 year olds because as he says "They're the same age as my DAUGHTER!" which is about an offputting and nonsexual thought as a man can get. If I'd ever caught my DH doing that while watching my DSD's friends, he'd be out or in counseling. And the comments about your older DD's friends are innappropriate too. Way out of line to act like that about guests of your children.
Theoretically, he's not a pedophile as those are adults that are aroused by young children, younger than the age of adolescents. Attraction to young, sexually maturing women isn't pedophilia but it IS not right, especially when they're guests in your home. You'd better hope that none of those girls saw him (don't discount that 'they couldn't see him in the dark' because it's possible if they'd been in the dark for awhile and their eyes were used to it. And if my DSD had come home with such a tale, I'd be horrified and I'd be at the police station making a report within the hour.
I'd watch him around your girls and their friends.
I'll suggest counseling but I'm not sure that he thinks he has a problem,
In some jurisdictions, his behavior would be criminal, and if revealed, his behavior would absolutely cause problems for you, your daughter, and him. His reputation, job, and possibly his freedom and marriage are on the line. This is serious.
and according to some ppl here(if I'm understanding correctly), is that it's OK to get aroused by 15 year old girls just not to act on it.
Basically, that's it.
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martinisnsushi - the two most important food groups!
I don't think it's normal for a normal guy to get aroused when his daughters' school friends are over. Kinda sick.
I don't know about every girl, but since I was one of those girls only about 5 years ago...and so were all my friends...I would say it is DEFINITELY to entertain guys their own age. Anytime I got remarks or staring from older men I felt extremely uncomfortable and dirty. (Yes, my own fault for dressing like that I know). And when I was going somewhere I knew would be a large amount of older men, I dressed more conservatively and appropriately, to avoid being oggled at. I'm 20 now, and I still think its gross and uncomfortable if men more than twice my age oggle me. Granted now that I'm "of age" its "legal" but that doesn't make it any less gross.
Think about it this way...what if the girls knew he was watching...or what if the 17/18 year olds noticed he was oggling. How do you think that would make them feel. If I EVER caught a friend's father looking at me inappropriately I can GUARANTEE you I would NEVER go over there again! Its disgusting, creepy, and just downright wrong! Even worse, what if your daughters knew he was blantantly checking out her friends...what would she think of her father...if my fater ever did that my opinion of him would drop drmatically.
Like everyone has said before, its natural for a guy to glance think "ooh nice" and move on...but anything longer than a second is staring and its inappropriate a gross.
So think about your childrens (and the children of others safety) and on a lesser not think about your daughters' social lives...because a father who makes her friends uncomfortable will make it very hard for them.
Angel
It's not normal to become aroused by a 15yo when you know that she is 15yo. But yes, a 15yo girl that looks 18 can be very attractive, even sexy. But when you discover that the "18yo" that you were aroused by is actually 15yo you are going to be humiliated and feel like a dirty old man. You were probably feeling like a dirty old man oogling 18yo's anyway. The age, not the physical characteristics, is the deciding factor here.
This is getting a bit silly going around in cirlces like this. Suffice to say, he wasn't just aroused! He actually whipped it out and started masturbating while looking at 15yo girls (and he knew they were 15yo). Regardless of how attractive or unattractive they were it is entirely inappropriate to masturbate in front of them and then feel no shame or guilt.
In most parts of the world it is a criminal offence to behave like that and if he had been caught doing it in a public park or outside someone's window he would have been labelled a pedophile and thrown into jail. Don't underestimate how serious this is because you are trying to convince yourself that it was OK if some of the girls looked older than they were.
He was peeking at underaged girls and masturbating. And it's possible he was seen. IF he was caught doing this in your backyard at the time, he would have been arrested. Just because he was doing this in his own bathroom doesn't make it any better.
You and your husband need to get some counseling together so that he can learn some self control and appropriate boundaries.
And yes, being attracted to others, even young adults, is normal. However, being sexually aroused by children is pedophilia. 15-16 yr. olds are children.
Edited 11/1/2004 10:47 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
"It's one thing to sneak a peek through a doorframe at a 16 year old that might look older but masturbating there and then is disturbing."
That's where the confusion came in. It sounded as though you thought it was OK for him to look at a 16 year old and get aroused, just not to masturbate then and there. Would it have been different if he had gone downstairs to get something to eat and then went down the basement to masturbate? Do you understand why YOUR post confused me and why the boundaries were unclear? What about the 18 yo's that come into my home, or even the 19 or 20 year olds? They are of age. Is it appropriate for him to become AROUSED by them and think of them in an sexual way?
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