Hubby and daughter's friends

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Hubby and daughter's friends
32
Mon, 11-01-2004 - 2:40pm
My daughter had a Halloween sleepover party last night(15 & 16) year olds. We have a huge house, but there were so many girls that they stayed in two bedrooms. About three in the morning, I woke up and found my DH masturbating while looking through the crack of one of the bedrooms(not the one where my daughter was sleeping). Is this normal?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 5:51am
Angel,

I think you make some really good points.

<<<"If I EVER caught a friend's father looking at me inappropriately I can GUARANTEE you I would NEVER go over there again! Its disgusting, creepy, and just downright wrong! Even worse, what if your daughters knew he was blantantly checking out her friends...what would she think of her father">>>

And althought he was lucky that none of the children saw him (as far as he knows), kids are incredibly perceptive, they will know if he is "checking them out" and it will have an impact.

josieandsam,

you wrote:

<<<"What about the 18 yo's that come into my home, or even the 19 or 20 year olds? They are of age. Is it appropriate for him to become AROUSED by them and think of them in an sexual way?">>>

What he did is inappropriate for any age guest. If I was to sleep at a friends house and found that her husband was masturbating while watching me sleep, I would absolutely be horrified!! and Im 41!

It is a very different thing to see a younger WOMAN, notice that she is attractive, and LATER, when you are no longer in her presence, have a little fantasy. But it is NEVER ok to act on it, in her presence, without her knowledge. And, NEVER, EVER WITH CHILDREN!!! There are laws to protect children from people like this. I wish I had known that when I was a teen (see my other post).

You have recieved a great number of replies to your post, from a group that is generally sexually open-minded and adventurous and, we are all saying the same thing.... this is dangerous and wrong... get help!

Avatar for ladypleiades
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 11:30am
In Sex Addicts Anonymous, they have what's called the three second rule. If you indulge the attraction beyond three seconds then you are traversing dangerous territory. I feel it is wrong to be turned on by children. And 17 year olds are legally still children in most states. I sometimes have a very strong urge to strangle the annoying dog that lives next door. Do I act on that urge? Absolutely not.

When a man uses the argument, "Well she is wearing provocative clothing, she wants me to be aroused by her," I tell them: When I was 16 years old and dressing slutty, I wanted to attract the 16 year old boys that I liked, not older men!! Men are the adults and they need to control themselves.

The sexualization of our children in media is criminal. And we excuse it by saying, boys will be boys. The media is irresponsible, but the responsibility falls on us as individuals to behave maturely. I think it is immature and irresponsible to indulge fantasies of children.

It is criminal to risk exposing yourself.


iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 3:29pm
>>>I understand the severity of what's transpired. However, YOU didn't make that very clear in your first post. <<<<

OK, OK,.... my bad. Don't get so hung up on it. The impression that I gave you with my first post was misleading. I obviously didn't word it so well. Some of the other posters have worded it much better.

Yes, a lot of men can be aroused by a young woman. They can even have a little fantasy about it later on and maybe use the image as some material when masturbating. But I really don't think that you are going to find many older men fantasising about any girl that is younger than well-developed 18yo. If they discovered that they had sexual thoughts about a 15yo girl I think they would be mortified and disgusted with themselves and stunned that a 15yo could look much older.

Don't forget that these were NOT 15yo girls wearing adult clothes and makeup looking like they were ready to go out to a nightclub. These were young girls at a slumber party. So although it's possible this was completely different.

So now that we've cleared up the misunderstanding of how old they LOOKED you still have the masturbating thing. That's entirely inappropriate too. It's one thing to see something that you find attractive and maybe use it later as images to masturbate to in private, it's entirely another thing to stand around looking through a crack in the door and have your penis in your hand at the same time. Yes, he was in the dark, but there was enough light to see the girls clearly - as Tish (?) said, doesn't take a wild imagination to realise that that their eyes may have adjusted enough in the dim light to see a faint figure in the dimly lit bathroom doing... something.

So you've got two problems here: One, he's conciously aroused by 15yo girls that look like 15yo girls. Two, he's happy to masturbate in front of them with the strong possibilty that they might become aware of what he's doing.

To cap it all off, rather than acting defensive, embarrassed and remorseful when you confronted him, he dismissed it as perfectly normal behaviour.

>>What about the 18 yo's that come into my home, or even the 19 or 20 year olds? They are of age. Is it appropriate for him to become AROUSED by them and think of them in an sexual way?<<

The difference with them is that they are young women. It may not be appropriate that he is aroused by them in a day-to-day situation (as opposed to the dressed up ready to go clubbing look) but there is a good chance that he could be. Provided he keeps that to himself and doesn't stare at them then I think that it's fine. Acting on it would be extremely inappropriate. If he wants to find somewhere private and masturbate thinking about them that also is fine. The slightly disturbing movie "American Beauty" with Kevin Spacey addressed exactly that issue.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 3:41pm
I'm sorry, but if I were to find my husband doing that, I would freak! That almost makes me feel ill. What did you do? Did you confront him? He needs some help. Doesn't it make you wonder about what else he has done?

Sorry to be all down on you, but doesn't that scare you? It would freak me out to the point where I could no longer be with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 3:47pm
it sounds to me that you are defending him. Do you think his actions are normal and ok to do? Yes, maybe he was in the bathroom, but he still had the door open.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 5:20pm
I'm confused again. In American Beauty was she a 16 year old who looked like a 16 year old who he lusted after. Didn't he surpass the 3 second mark? It's OK to lust after a 16 year old, and fantasize and masturbate to? Bear with me, as you can see I'm trying to be understanding.

I told him he'd better get help, and he agreed.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 5:44pm

I never saw the movie American Beauty, so not sure what that's all about.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 9:46pm
>>I'm confused again. In American Beauty was she a 16 year old<<

Oh, was she? I thought that she was older. Whoops. I think that I'll just shut up now. :-)

Glad to hear that he's happy to get some help. Don't let it fade into the distance. Make sure that he, and you, get some help with this.

I won't bother posting again. I just seem to be confusing the issue. ;-)

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 11-02-2004 - 10:12pm
American Beauty was meant to be a cautionary tale about a man who allowed lust and fantasy to overtake his real life. The girl was a 16 yr. old who looked like a 16 yr. old but who had a mature confidence about her. Kevin Spacey's character projected his own desires onto this girl and in the end, discovered that she was actually a virgin.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2004
Wed, 11-03-2004 - 5:48pm
Note that American Beauty wasn't about a healthy relationship. Viewers were supposd to understand the attraction, but be squicked by following through on it.

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