Huge problem...please help me

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Huge problem...please help me
11
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 3:18am

I am more than embarrassed to be posting this on a message board, but it's easier to vent to strangers than to my real life friends...

I have been with my boyfriend for 17 months...We are soo in love. Recently I found out that I have an std, that he gave me. He didn't know that he had it...I've only been with him and he had been with girls in the past. Well I havn't been able to get a Doctors appointment yet because of them being booked solid so in the mean time I told him that we can't sleep together until we get better, because of the pain etc. And just to be on the safe side. Now heres the problem. He says he feels sooo guilty for giving this to me and I told him that i don't blame him because he didn't know he had it. I told him I forgive him...But then he's pissed off because we can't have sex. He's moody, aggravated, and in a bad mood all the time. Everytime we are alone he makes gestures to me trying to get me to sleep with him. I have explained that I can't because I hurt, but he is just so pissed about it. He wants to move out to "deal with his frustration" but I said thats not fair. He did this to me, yet he blames me for not being able to have sex. I've said everything that I can think of to get through to him, but it's never enough. He just doesn't get it. All he can think about is having sex, he doesn't think about my feelings. It hurts.

What can I say...What do I do? How am I supposed to feel?...I'm so lost with what i'm supposed to do. Please help me...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-11-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 5:58am

I don't want to hurt your feelings, but your boyfriend sounds immature and I think he is using you for sex. If he feels so guilty and bad for passing this disease on to you, he would NOT be getting pissed off because you wish to refrain from sex due to the pain, ect...! OMG!

You said that "all he can think about is having sex, not my feelings"..... that is because he is USING you. Does he have any plans on treating this disease that is in his body, or is he planning on passing it around to other innocent people?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 7:15am

If you haven't been to the doctor yet, how do you know you have an STD?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:29am

Honey, it hurts because you're realizing just where you are on your BF's list of priorities and it's not at the top! HE'S at the top, apparently. I agree with Seaglasskc, he sounds a bit immature and selfish to me, too.

Ignore your BF's self pitying pleas for sex, go to the dr., find out IF this really is an STD, get treatment and then decide if this is really the right guy for you.

A man who truly cares about you would NOT be putting pressure on you for sex when you don't feel well or when he's already compromised your health!




Edited 9/26/2005 9:30 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 9:56am

If you haven't been to the doctor, then you have NO idea if you have an STD, or just a simple yeast or bacterial infection. Those can cause pain and discomfort, and painful sex.

But, that's not your real problem. Your real problem is HIM. Whether or not he has given you an STD or if it's just an infection, he has NO sympathy for you, only his own selfish needs. Tell him to talk to Mr. Hand!

In another situation, I would tell you that you COULD satisfy him in many other ways besides intercourse, but with his attitude, I wouldn't do a thing for him!

Go to the doctor, and if you can't afford that, then go to Planned Parenthood, or some other free clinic, and find out what's going on. Take care of yourself FIRST.

Then you have another big decision to make. Do you really want to be with someone who is that selfish and unfeeling? I sure wouldn't want to be! What if it were some other debilitating illness that prevented you from having sex? It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do, and you don't need to be his mother!

Sometimes it takes this kind of stress to find out what another person is REALLY like, and I don't think he's shown himself to be a caring and nurturing partner! Better to know sooner than later!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 09-26-2005 - 6:44pm

How long have you had this "STD"? Surely not more than a few days? If it's more than a few days ring the Doctor again or find another Doctor. They should not be making you wait more than a day or two even if they are super-busy.

If your b/f is telling you that he wants to move out to deal with his frustration at not having had sex for a few days then I would tell him that he's welcome to move out because obviously I don't mean very much to him.

Find out whether or not this actually IS an STD. It could be an infection - something like thrush or something, which is NOT an STD and just a common infection that women get.

He sounds very immature. It is one thing to be a bit grumpy and unhappy that he can't have sex but it is completely another thing to announce that he is thinking of moving out to deal with his frustration. Talk about being self-centred! Yes, you could relieve him in other ways, but I don't think that you should. Who feels like helping out when they've got a painful condition that they think that they got from the guy?

If he has given you an STD, he will have to be checked and treated too. He is going to have to contact these ex-g/fs and tell them. Sometimes they can carry an STD without symptoms so it is important that he lets them know that he has it so that they can get checked and get treated if necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 2:06am

Get yourself sorted out and get away from him. He's obviously not mature enough to handle the situation. Even if it turns out to be nothing more than a common vaginal infection, rather than an STD, you need to ask yourself why you are with someone so selfish and immature. He has just shown he can't be there for you when you need him, and that all he thinks about is himself. Quite frankly, with his attitude the way it is, I have to wonder whether he does actually feel guilty for giving it to you, or whether he feels guilty for being caught out at being so irresponsible.

Good luck. And I hope you get better soon :).

Janet

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-09-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 10:04am

For a minute, forget everything else and think about this...

You don't want to have sex because you hurt and he is making you feel bad about it. Sounds like a sensitive loving guy don't it? NO!

Tell him to get lost.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2005
Tue, 09-27-2005 - 4:00pm

I don't post on here much, just a lurker. If this guy is getting upset with you for this (which may be his fault why you are in this situation), you may seriously want to re-evaluate your relationship with him. Whether or not it is an infection or an STD (either way, you need to see a DR ASAP), the bottom line is he is only thinking about himself. He does not appear to give two hoots on whether you are in pain or about your feelings. That is not what a relationship is or is about. Consider this a taste of what you have to look forward to if you choose to have a future with him.

On a side note, I don't know that much about STD's, but I would think if it is that.....wouldn't symptoms have shown prior to 17 months later???

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2002
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 12:55am

>>On a side note, I don't know that much about STD's, but I would think if it is >>that.....wouldn't symptoms have shown prior to 17 months later???

Not necessarily. Around 80% of women infected with chlamydia don't show symptoms. It's not until a few years down the track when the infection has caused some serious damage through pelvic inflammatory disease that some of them find out. Percentages are around 40% or so for males. In the case of gonnorhoea, the percentages are a little lower. People infected with the herpes virus for instance may have the virus for years, and not know it until one day their immune system takes a bad hit and all of a sudden it flares up. It is different from person to person. And just because you have a negative test result doesn't always mean you're not infected with anything.

I think that it's interesting that she said she had an STD, but she didn't say what it was, so it will be interesting to find out whether or not she does have one. If she is in a lot of pain, then it is abhorrent for me to imagine why she can't get into see a doctor straight away. Regardless of how busy they are, they can always find time to see someone that really needs to be seen.

 


 


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Wed, 09-28-2005 - 12:19pm

I agree with you about the doctor. However, some people don't have a clue when it comes to talking to the office, and explaining the problem. I think she said she has pain when it comes to sex, but maybe it's not painful otherwise. If she just said she thinks she has an infection, or if she didn't mention the painful sex part....she's just another patient, who has to wait her turn. She may also be a new patient, and Doc's don't jump for new patients usually. Some people in doctor's offices aren't the most brilliant, either....and make judgement calls when they shouldn't.

Also, there are some STD's that have no symptoms at all in the male. Even mild things like bacterial or yeast infections. HIV can take several years to even show up in a test. That's why Safe Sex is preached. But given the amount of teen-age pregnancies, I have to guess that Safe Sex is just for "other people".

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