Husband Refuses Sex...Could be My Fault
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| Fri, 01-05-2007 - 5:39am |
Hey, Readers, I really messed up here...
My partner have a May/December marriage (I'm 32 and he's 56) and cleared our 3rd anniversary in August '06. In the beginning, we were the typical couple and enjoyed sex as often as we could. Unfotunately, I ballooned in weight from 140 to 250 the first year and have been unable to bring the weight down (and keep it there!). I'm not goofy and I realize that my partner is disappointed in his "morphing" bride and has since sought refuge in his computer, his friends, or other anti-sex activities. I became the sole initiator of sex after it became clear that he was not really that "into" the idea but obviously couldn't be truthful about the reasons why; stating instead that "he doesn't initiate because he never knows when I'm in the mood and he doesn't want to force himself on me."
No matter how many "heart-to hearts" we've had on the subject, ultimately nothing changes; which leads me to think that we're not discussing the right things. Watching my husband roll a dead eye away from all things romantic has rather killed my own desire to spark an intimacy that clearly has become unwelcome between us. We have become great "platonic" friends (?!?) and we sail along in daily life apparently quite happily. He still says he loves me, and the feeling is mutual, albeit confused. I've seen signs (he's not good about cleaning up evidence) that he has been masturbating privately. So have I. I bought some "phallic" sex aids for myself, which he happened to be present for when they arrived in the mail. Not a good thing.
I unwrapped one of two (never showed him the second one) because it was actually a penile extension that I thought we both could try. Pea-brained female that I was, I should have looked past my nose into the fact that I was giving the blatant impression that he alone was not satisfying me, and he, in his own way, let me know that. We did try it once, it didn't work, and that was it. We haven't had sex since NOVEMBER.
My partner is currently on the verge of surgery to remove kidney stones that have been causing nearly constant infection for the past few months. I haven't wanted to be intimate lately because I feared cross-contamination from his infections. That, and he seems to be concerned about that himself. (Yes, condoms are an option, but in a way it felt like rejection (after a married life of "bareback")because of the extra barrier. No one said humans were CONSISTENTLY intelligent) We have him on antibiotics, which are clearing up the VISUAL bacteria, and a night ago I thought I would try a little foreplay on him.
...It was like "A Weekend at Bernie's". His phallus responded involuntarily to the stimulation, but the rest of him was stone cold RESISTANT. The only time he said anything was a moment later when he had to shrug me off to go to the bathroom. I withdrew and went to sleep, and that was it.
Without any "sexual reinforcement" from my partner, I find my own resources drying up from non-use. Even if I lost the weight, I'd feel a bit resentful that I had loved HIM through thick and thin and yet I was only desired if I was THIN. There's probably a lot of other contributing stuff, but that's just what it feels like it boils down to sometimes.
Anyhoo, thanks for reading my rant.

I'm not sure what you can do here. Clearly the two of you are not communicating very well, yet at the same time you both seem to be giving each other very clear messages - maybe not the *right* messages, but very clear ones none-the-less.
To start from the beginning:
The weight gain. What's with that? 110 pounds is a *substantial* weight gain in anyone's book. What caused that? There must be more to that than just the good life and good food, surely? I know that people say that a husband should love a wife no matter what, but like it or not, in the real world, any husband would have a problem with their (new) wife almost doubling in size within 12 months. I know that it would be a libido killer for me even if I was trying to accept it. I suspect that he hasn't talked about it because he knows that it's a minefield and a little redundant. You both know that you've gained weight and you both know that it's a problem so why talk about something that will only end in tears?
So, why the big gain and why haven't you tried to do something about it?
Yes, the penile extension gave a big message - your penis is not big enough to satisfy me. Sex toys alone wouldn't have been so bad. You could have suggested that they were an attempt to spice up the sex life. But the extension? Couldn't have been worse really. HE may be thinking anything from "so that's why she's unhappy and gained the weight and doesn't care about sex because I'm too small" to "she'd rather use sex toys than do something about our sex life". I don't know exactly what he's thinking but it's something that will have to be talked about at some point. God only knows how you are going to explain it.
Kidney stones and bacteria - in brief, he'll know that you are wary of infections just by your actions even if you haven't talked to him about this. Arousal and thoughts of bacterial infections don't go together so at present sex would be well and truly out the window. Any desire he will have had left in him will have been destroyed by thoughts of icky infections. THAT is temporary and can be fixed though.
>>I find my own resources drying up from non-use.<<
Yep. If you don't use it, you lose it.
>>Even if I lost the weight, I'd feel a bit resentful that I had loved HIM through thick and thin and yet I was only desired if I was THIN.<<
And why don't you consider your weight gain as his version of loving you through "thick and thin"? We're not talking a couple of pounds here. You're a COMPLETELY different person in many ways than you were when you were thin. Substantial weight gain changes a lot about a person. Yeah, there are the physical changes but there is a whole shift in personality too. You may not think that the weight is a big deal and that you've "suffered" through his kidney infections and the bad sex life, but you aren't really seeing it from his point of view either.
And if you think that life is tough now, then you've got some surprises ahead of you. I would have thought that you'd seen enough of life to know that "thick and thin" in a marriage can be a lot more tough than this.
Is it that he only desired you when you were thin or is it that his desire
Salutations, Westridge2001
Not often I hear things from the FELLAS point of view, so that was refreshing. In RE: to the weight gain; it wasn't really an unforseen problem. I've been fighting a losing battle with excess weight since I was NINE and have been dieting/exercising/failing for 20 years. Diets by their very nature and design are optimal tools for increasing obesity. It was surgically determined when I was 19 that I also had an incurable, obesity-promoting endocrine disease called Stein-Leventhal Syndrome (called PCOS today). It is a condition that worsens with age, and to the grief of many with this condition, there is no "magic bullet" to eliminate the extreme tendency to gain and retain excess weight. In Western culture, that's a death sentence.
When I was 140 lbs. I was on a self-imposed, minimal calorie diet and I exercised 45 minutes 5-7 times a week. Of course, my muscles and joints were constantly in pain, I was always exhausted, and my hair started to fall out, but if I missed even a couple days of my diet or exercise, the weight piled on like gangbusters. (Other men I dated made it clear that they would NOT go out with me if I continued to gain weight; others said I was too fat to begin with) I made DARN sure my partner knew about this condition, because I knew that I'd be raked over the coals for it otherwise...and so it proved.
Unfortunately, the weight loss methods that worked when I was 20 are next to useless now at 32. I lost 60 lbs last year, snapped from exhaustion and lack of nutrients, and bounced back up to 230. I hit the limit a few months ago when I was on a 1500 calorie diet (which is manageable and natural) and a 30-minute bootcamp workout 5x a week for 3 months...and I bearly cleared 9 lbs before everything came to a grinding halt and I was back at square one.
My husband has watched me fight this thing, has worked with me, has supported and monitored me, has eaten the SAME things I've eaten...he's lost 20 lbs. and I gained 30 on the same freakin' stuff. He's seen it for himself. I wouldn't blame him if he walked out and found someone slimmer; sometimes for the sake of his own happiness I wish he would. He CAN'T say I didn't warn him, though, and he knows that, too. It's highly possible that my partner chooses to suffer with me rather than find someone else because he KNEW I warned him about my problems at the start --and he made the conscious decision to pretend it wouldn't happen..and lost.
NOW: the penile extension is kind of a double-standard because my husband DID own one himself when he was single. It was a horrible plastic thing and even he said it was damned uncomfortable. The one I got was Cyberskin and much more soft and pliable. He is built as such that there is only one position (female on top) where he doesn't "pop-out". Yep, the Good Lord cut him a little short. So, variety is pretty much out of the question. Some folks may be fine using ONE position for over 3 years, but it's tough to keep the performances "fresh" because frankly, you already know what's going to happen and so there isn't much left to the imagination. (If you eat the same thing for supper every night, pretty soon you stop asking "what's for dinner?" because you already know.) Apparently my partner has made peace with his position in the sexual relationship and doesn't think that it needs "tinkering" with. Must be nice.
>>I would have thought that you'd seen enough of life to know that "thick and thin" in a marriage can be a lot more tough than this.<<
You might have sold me a little short, though, pal. I know I occasionally sound like a wuss on the boards but I sure as heck know that marriage doesn't end with a few broken nails and a dirty kitchen. We've been through debt, unemployment, loss of health insurance,hospitalization,family feuds/standoffs, illnesses,deaths... the usual stuff. In the grand scheme of things, my complaint on the board here really doesn't amount to much...it just irks ME and I'd simply like to know if anyone could shed any insight into this minor issue, is all.
Appreciate your input, Thanks for the wisdom.
How do, Cl-Issytish
I mentioned the "weight thing" in reply to Westridge2001's post. PCOS. I've seen another message board on iVillage devoted entirely to THAT condition alone, and losing weight is always a hot topic over there.
>>Have you turned him down for sex often in the past?<<
I've put my head through every wall in the house over this one. I have agreed to his (RARE) advances even when I privately didn't feel like it because I didn't want to discourage him from his pre-existing phobia of initiating sex even further by "confirming his fears" by rejecting him. Other girlfriends have been very conditional about sex with him in his past and it was always a fight to "get the goods". Unfairly to me, he automatically assumed that I was going to be the same way and so just waited for me to make all the advances so he would never again have to risk rejection or get blamed for being selfish.
Unfortunately, it is STILL selfish to leave it up to one's partner to orchestrate the entire sexual relationship, especially if it's YOUR idea and not THEIRS. I've tried to bring this subject up to him several different ways but he has clearly decided that his way is best and that's the way he's going to play it. I get villainized, then, if I refuse to initiate, because that means that I'm not interested in him anymore. The man is 56, and yet I feel like the frazzled mother of a stubborn 12 year old.
It could well be true that he uses one excuse to cover up another one, which he is notorious for and has fooled no one but himself on that score. That tendency in him also makes it next to impossible to get an honest answer out of him. He tries to compliment me or make excuses for my shortcomings which makes me sick because I know he'll drop a hint later on that'll prove that's not what he really thinks at all. *Example: He'll tell the family "It's not her fault she's gained weight. Her illness messes up her hormones." Then he'll turn to me and say "You need to exercise MORE, then you wouldn't be so fat." He makes no effort to hide his verbal discrepancies, so either he doesn't KNOW he's sending mixed messages, or he just doesn't care one way or the other; deciding that my fat is resilient like rubber and everything bounces off unnoticed.
This Jekyll/Hyde approach to our relationship and our problems kind of turns me off to the idea that he is really concerned about how his attitude is affecting my willingness to be honest with him or please him.
SCENARIO+++If any one of us had a partner who decided to turn all the clocks in the house 10 minutes ahead EXCEPT the watch on our wrist--then told us that OUR watch was off (as well as every tv program on every channel, our cell phones, and our computer, and our dashboard clock in the car)--and we come back and tell our partner that our watch is off because he turned all the other clocks 10 minutes ahead--he barks back that he did that because WE'RE always late leaving the house to go somewhere-------that's my daily life in a nutshell. There's little he does that doesn't end up being MY fault in some way...and the more I react, the more he's justified.
Ugh, people. You can't live with them, and you CAN'T live with them.
Thank you for your caring response.
OK, PCOS. Don't know much about it, but all the same it changes things substantially in my opinion. A medical condition has caused this and he knew, or thought that he knew, what it involved.
The penis extension. Again, knowing some background changes things. We didn't know that he himself used to own one. Not sure why he would be so shocked given that little tidbit of information. Perhaps he thought that you were comfortable and satisfied with his size. Now his bubble is burst - once again.
As for one position? I suppose that you've tried other positions? What about missionary with a pillow under your hips? That's supposedly useful in this situation? I agree that the same sex can get boring but surely you've been able to mix it up a little BEFORE the real problems began? I think that the weight is the big problem and I;m a little surprised that the two of you had gotten into a monotonous routine before the sex problems. Probably two separate issues in a way - but the weight has to be dealt with before the boredom can be addressed.
My parting shot in the last post was added because you seemed to have problems that needed addressing but weren't necessarily the end of the world or insurmountable. As you said, there are a lot of people out with problems but I did sell you a little short.
It's all good, sir. No offense taken.
Missionary...a disastrous position in this case, because I feel nothing. From behind...generally about the same result. Spooning...impossible. T-Bone...impossible. (When I said the Good Lord cut him short, I wasn't whistling Dixie.) When a relationship is NEW and exciting, that sort of thing doesn't have the same significance that it does after the "fire" has died down a bit a few months later.
My partner is not the imaginative type and prefers to leave 100% of the sexual innovation to me. Playful behavior is often a source of irritation to him more than pleasure and any "playing around" is often snapped short with a bristling complaint from him. I'm pretty much left with the basics we have now after my partner has blocked out the other options. (He was more open-minded and forgiving when we were first married)
He is disgusted with my heaviness (as am I), whether he admits it or not. (A couple years ago there was a sotto voce remark made by him mumbling that "every girl he ever dated gained 200 lbs" . Hmmmm. Sounds like he might be the common denominator in that problem, then.) It is the general consensus in our culture that fat women should neither be seen nor made love to, in which case I've just had the finishing nails hammered into the lid of my oversized coffin for quite some time.
Genetics spared my face from too much distortion, and I have been called "pretty", but if I'm up against an all-or-nothing scenario, then I might just as well be ugly all over. I'll have to get a job in the local freakshow billing myself as "The Planet with Eyelashes". (Hey, if I have to deal with it, then I might as well have a laugh while I'm at it!)