Husband wants to swing

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Husband wants to swing
5
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 2:55pm
Hello, I need help here. I have been married 2 weeks, but we have been together for 4 years and living together for 2 of those. We ea have 2 kids of our own and keep pretty busy. My husband and I tried swinging with another couple to spice up our sex life, there was no full swap, just same room sex and a little of f/f play. I did this mostly to excite my husband and fulfill his fantasy. I thought that one experience would be enough but then he wanted to meet the same coupleagain, so we did. That time it was ok but kind of boring so we ended up calling it a night and he didn't bring it up again for a few months. Now he is back to looking for new couples on the website. Originally he had said his only fantasy was to watch me be with a man, but would have it be a couple so it was safer than some single guy. This time, he is looking and sending emails to couples but the profile only shows the pictures of the women and they are all hot blondes, skinnier than me etc which makes me feel unconmfortable. Now it seems the focus is on him getting to scan thru and pick hot girls he is attracted too and probably figures, "I get to f*** hot chicks and because it is the swing thing, my wife can't say I am cheating on her" I have a thing where I want to be a really good wife and make my husband feel he is really lucky etc. to have a cool easy going sexual wife. Our own sex life has got pretty boring and whenever we talk about doing this etc he seems really excited and more active so I hate to ruin it. There is a couple that responded and the wife is blond and skinny and they want to meet us tonight. They sent an email and I emailed back before he saw it telling them no. Please don't judge and try to look at this from an open view. You would be amazed at how many couple right in our own neighborhood do this type of thing, which I thought was so unique. I am just worried it is going to cause a disaster. Any ideas on how I can still make my husband excited and alive without resenting him too much? My fear is that he will want to do it anyways so why not let him instead of making him surpress his fantasy and some day cheat becausehe is so bored. I don't want to be one of those couples that is just numb and bored and finally fade away.


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-08-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 3:17pm
You need to tell him what you have told us. Tell him that you are only doing this to make him feel lucky. Also tell him about your insecurities regarding the other women. Explore some different fantasies that the two of you can enjoy together. Because it is obvious that this isn't one that pleases you. I promise you the best sex is the sex that both of you are enjoying. There is nothing more exciting than mutual sexual fulfillent.

Robin

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 3:25pm
Im not sure what advice I could give you about making him feel excited and alive...but...I do know that you SHOULD NOT do this just to make him feel like he has an easy going, sexual wife and he can fulfil his fantasies. It's great you want to be a good wife to him and give him what he wants to make him happy, but sometimes you have to put yourself first. And in this case it seems that going through with it could very well end up hurting you adn the relationship. I think I read that in relationships you should give and give in 80% of the time...the man and the woman...but this would be in the 20% when you should say no and stick with it. Having any doubts about it is a sure sign that youre not ready to do that sort of thing.If you were both comfortable and had no worries or doubts it would be alright. As for you being worried about him cheating because he's not getting what he wants and he's not getting to live his fantasies or because he's bored...well...if he's going to cheat for that then he will anyways for a different reason. Dont just let him do it out of fear of this happening. I think it would cause more problems. Youre not being a bad wife by saying no that's for sure! Try to explore things that you two can do together. Just you and your husband. It shows youre focusing on how to make him happy and please him, try to get him to focus more on YOU and not other women or other men's wives.

I hope I helped some! My best wishes to you!

~Heidi
Avatar for zaboz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 3:32pm
I get conflicting messages from the things

you are saying. It sounds like you WANT to

want this but you don't really.

I can understand how you want to keep things

interesting but in my opinion there are other

ways to do that that don't involve other people.

But that's a decision YOU have to make. Don't make it

based on what anyone else wants or is comfortable with,

only YOUR feelings.

You shouldn't have to worry about him cheating

because you won't go along with this.

That would be HIS flaw, not yours. It's

a desparate reason to do something you're

not comfortable with (if you're not).

You've only been married two weeks and you're

already trying to talk yourself into swinging

and are predicting that he might cheat? Red flags everywhere!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:32pm
I answered your post on the "Married and Sex" board just now.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-13-2004
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 1:33pm
I mean "Secrets of Married Sex" board.