I bet most men wouldn't do this

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
I bet most men wouldn't do this
13
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 8:54am
Why is it o.k for a man to receive oral sex and then go to sleep, leaving his partner all hot and bothered? I just wonder how many men would actually give their partner oral sex and then be expected to go to sleep without any satisfaction.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 11:57am

#1...It's NOT ok!

#2...What "most" men do isn't your concern....it's what your man is doing/has done.

#3...If it's not ok with you, tell him. If you've told him and nothing has changed, why do you continue to do it?

There are times when that's ok.....sometimes it's nice to just "treat" him. If it happens continually, then communication is the key. Let him know how it makes you feel. Communication doesn't mean you tell him he's a selfish jerk, either. It means talking about how YOU feel, what you would like from him, and listening to the feedback, if there is any.

If nothing else works, then don't DO it anymore.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 4:02pm

I have to jump in on this one. I'm a man and this happens to me ALL THE TIME! I treat my wife to great oral sex frequently. I'll give her four or five orgasms and I'll get nothing. Is it okay? Well, yes it's okay. It's her body and I shouldn't try to make her do anything she doesn't want to do, right?

Or perhaps there's a double standard. Perhaps because men are generally more sexual it's expected that a man will do more sexual things and that does not obligate the women to do the same things in return. And then when we hear about a man who's not reciprocating for the women we think it's an outrage and that she's getting the shaft....er.....I mean NOT getting the shaft!

Anyway, I try to take the high road and please my wife because I love her. I hope someday she chooses to return the favor. But when she does, I want it to be because she chooses to please me, not because I've whined and manipulated her to do it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 7:22pm

>>Or perhaps there's a double standard. <<

No, there is no double-standard. What is happening to you is not OK either. Your situation is not OK because you give, she takes and then you post here that you aren't happy with the sitation.

My first wife sounds like yours. I used to think the same thing that you do - "Oh, I want the sex more so I should make sure that I keep her happy so that I can get mine". And like you, that didn't happen either. She had her orgasms and towards the end would roll over and go to sleep without any regard for my pleasure or satisfaction.

You wife is either being very selfish or naieve. I'm inclined to think that its the former because you let her do it because you have this noble but misdguided idea that she'll suddenly give you yours in return one day of her own free will. You need to tell her what you want and what you would like and do what you need to do to get it. That is not whining and "forcing" her to do it. That's making sure that the duties are shared evenly and that you get your share of the pleasure in your sex life. If she stole the blankets all the time you would pull them back onto your side and tell her about it. You wouldn't just lie there hoping that one day she'd put them back over you, would you?

If you don't do something about it, then nothing will change. And it's not a matter of being all politically correct, SNAG, and 'equal rights' about the relationship ensuring that she "chooses to please you". It's about you being the weak one in the relationship and her walking over you because you let her. Dammit. Be a man and do something about it ;-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:11pm
I really appreciate the input, it helps me look at things differently. I was a little frustrated when I posted this. What happened, is not something that happens very often. He actually deserves more.I feel bad for complaining now. He is a terrific man. One thing is for sure, I would never in a million years expect DH to perform oral sex and him not receive anything in return. For me, it just seems very selfish, but that's me. I did perform with the intention that it be all about him, so I better get a grip and shut up now, lol.
Thanks again for the input. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 11-10-2006 - 9:24pm

If it's not okay with you, then it's not okay.


<<>>>


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 12:03am

If it makes you feel any better, had YOU posted first, my answer would have been exactly the same! Including she's SELFISH!

Anyone who's willing to receive oral sex should be willing to give it. If they're not willing to give it, shame on them. They shouldn't expect to get it, either.

There are a lot of women who won't fellate their partner.....their loss! I haven't got a clue why! If they feel that it's "nasty" or it's "sinful"....then they should feel receiving is the same, and not allow their partner to do it.

In my own experience(s), there are a LOT of men who won't do it....and I guess there are a lot of women, too. It's very chivalrous of you to just keep quiet and hope that someday she'll surprise you, but if I were you, I wouldn't hold my breath! Have you ever actually ASKED her to do it? If so, what was the reply? (Just curious!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Sat, 11-11-2006 - 6:17pm

I don't think that there's a "double-standard" **IF** either the man or woman dislikes oral sex. I think that if your wife does not fellate you because she has a true aversion to it, (and not because she is selfish) then she shouldn't be "made" to feel that she should....(just as a man who has a true aversion to cunnilingus shouldn't).

However, there is a great difference between "rolling over" and leaving your partner in the cold, and NOT performing "one" particular act. Why doesn't your wife do something that she doesn't have a problem with to relieve you? If she knows that you want more, and specifically rolls over and ignores your needs altogether, then I'd say you have one selfish person on your hands. Is she that way outside of the bedroom as well (I'm guessing yes)? Why do you put up with that? Why would you want to be with anyone who feels "entitled" to be treated a certain way, but yet doesn't feel that others are "entitled" to the same treatment?

As the others have said, it's one thing to "do" your partner, but if you get aroused in the process, or you want more, then I think that they should do what they can to "relieve" you in some manner, if YOU DESIRE it. Arousal is very consuming. Certainly, the person who just had the exact same feelings, would "understand" and be empathetic to your plight, no? What kind of person just "rolls over" and ignores you?

Oh, and if your wife wasn't "as sexual" as you were, then why is she having four and five orgasms during oral sex that is "performed" on her? When you say that you "get nothing" what exactly are you implying? That she "can't" or "won't" reciprocate (perhaps using something other than her mouth)? What I'm hearing is that you perform oral on her, and she rolls over and goes to sleep, without ever giving you a "thought?" Or, is it that (and many men are guilty of this) you normally give her oral sex (several orgasms), and then have intercourse and afterwards feel "shortchanged" when she is under the "guise" that this is your preferred choice of orgasm? If she doesn't fellate (assuming an aversion), then that leaves manual and intercourse (and anal perhaps) as the only alternatives for her to relieve you. Perhaps she believes through your actions that you prefer intercourse over manual. Many women "believe" that men prefer intercourse (particularly if there is no oral for him) because most men are very "intercourse" driven.

In any event, there is a difference between someone who has a true aversion and who does not reciprocate as a result, and someone who simply is a selfish louse (or lousette) and just thinks the world revolves around them. The latter is the kind who just "rolls over" and leaves you high and dry--ON PURPOSE!




Edited 11/11/2006 6:41 pm ET by rain_dancer_iam
Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 5:11pm

Hi,

along these same lines, I have a unique situation that I need advice about and don't have anyone else to ask,, since it is embarassing..

the person I am involved with does not believe in intercourse and would rather just have a b or h.j. he gives oral and more often than not, just doesn't want to receive anything. he rarely takes off his clothes during this, and says there is no harm to me just lie back and enjoy it. he has some sexual issues, and has had many partners in the past where there was intercourse ( and a couple near misses with pregnancy) this is a 54 yr old person. i feel sort of cheap and used, since i am never allowed to initiate things or do wheatever i would like to him. there is no cuddling or affection, since all of that seems ' manipulative by women ' to him to get sex on their timetable,

it's only when he is in the mood (just to give, rarely ever wants it) his way or no way.

what do you think the problem is, or is he just handing me some stupid line, i have wondered if there is someone else, but i don't think so, he does solo sex, he's told me. i'm just being stupid. right?
he often goes on these moral 'sex is wrong ' things and has a whole principle about this sex thing. i often wonder if i was in a relationship with someone else and handed them this line, how long would i last. i just miss regular touching and being close to someone. i miss cuddling with no thought of sex. is he weird? full of bs or what. help

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2006
Sun, 11-12-2006 - 9:15pm
He certainly has some issues! I hope he can get some counseling. Maybe you should consider counseling as well. It can help you sort things out. In the meantime, you need to decide if this is what you want to live with. It doesn't sound like it. Communication is so important (as I am learning the hard way, lol). You need to tell him that your needs are not being met. Ask him why he is behaving this way. Does it have to do with religious beliefs? One thing is for sure, DO NOT blame yourself. These are HIS issues. I'm not going to get into detail but believe me, I have some experience with this. Email me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 11-13-2006 - 9:59am

The question you have to ask yourself is "why do I stay in this unfulfilling relationship?"

Lots of people have "quirks".....that's their prerogative. But other's don't have to accept them, or go along with them.

This guys is either incredibly selfish, or he's got some massive hangups about sex in general. You aren't going to fix him.....so make up your mind that this is the way it will be ALWAYS, or move on. If it was me, I'd move on. I'd rather be alone than frustrated by someone who's so wrapped up in their own problems that they have no consideration for me.

Pages