i can't doooo it!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2005
i can't doooo it!
10
Sat, 03-24-2007 - 10:29pm

I can't have an orgasm! I am 24, have been sexually active since i was 21.. and the only time i've ever had an orgasm is after i smoked out, and masturbated about 4 years ago. I masturbate, I've used vibrators.. I have sex with my boyfriend and it feels good, and i'm always ALMOST there.. but, alas. I never finish.

is it possible that i have like a physical problem or something? are there women in the world who have NEVER had an orgasm, ever, at all.. and how do men typically feel about being with these kind of women? should I give it up or is there something more i can do that maybe i haven't tried.... ?

"There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before." Willa Cather O Pioneers
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 12:04am

Yes, you CAN dooooo it! First, forget about it. Making orgasms a goal is one way to assure that you won't have one. Whenever you "almost" get there, you start thinking about it, instead of concentrating on what got you to that point. Then it's gone.

Orgasms are as much mental as physical, and if you're so busy worrying and wondering, you're not paying attention to the pleasure that got you almost there. As soon as you learn to just relax, and enjoy what you're doing WITHOUT thinking about orgasms, it might happen. The point of sex is pleasure, not orgasms. The orgasms are a bonus when you learn to enjoy the pleasure.

There is nothing physically wrong with you.....it's there when you learn to allow it to happen. Yes, there are women who have never learned how....and they get along just fine. Some women take years to learn how, some never learn. But that doesn't mean they don't or can't enjoy sex. Orgasms are like the icing on the cake. The cake is good, the icing makes it a little better, nothing more.

How men feel about it is different from man to man. If a man's ego is involved, and he thinks he's giving you the orgasm (not!), he might not like it. Too bad. As long as he's doing what he's supposed to do....that's all he CAN do. Other men who understand that it has nothing to do with them....it doesn't bother them.

Also, if you expect to have them from intercourse alone, it's doubtful that it will happen. Most women need clitoral stimulation along with intercourse to have orgasms, because they come from the clitoris, not the vagina.

Check out www.the-clitoris.com to understand how your body works.

Yes, you should give it up....and if you do, it'll probably happen.

Avatar for gigi_1000
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 12:09am

Summersend, at least 80% of women do NOT orgasm through intercourse alone. My wife felt like you for years, until we realized that she just cannot orgasm through intercourse alone. After many years of trying, to no avail, we happenned upon a method where we both work on her at the same time, but not intercourse.

I lay next to her on the bed. She is on her back and uses a vibrator on her clitoris. At the same time, I am on my right side against her body, but low enough to suck her left nipple.

As she uses the vibrator, I put my left middle finger into her vagina, and rub the upper side slowly back and forth, making sure that I rub on her "G" spot at the same time, I have my head on a pillow to support my head as I suck her nipple. After a short while, I reach my right hand over her body and gently rub her right nipple, so I am working both nipples as I stroke her upper vagina back and forth. This combined stimulation results in explosive waves of orgasms withing 5 or 6 minutes. I can tell when she is starting to orgasm. At that point, I stop the rubbing in the vagina and push upward fairly hard against her "G" spot and hold it there as she orgasms for a few minutes one wave after another. She has NEVER experienced anything like this in her life. I wish that she COULD have orgasms with me inside of her, but I guess it is not to be.

She enjoys intercourse with me for the intimacy and closeness, but we have to use this other method to get her to second heaven. Where there is a will, there is a way. My wife felt for years that she was defective in the orgasm department. Now she knows how to achieve orgasms that are superior to mine, and she isn't willing to try any other method now that we have found this. Of course she has intercourse with me for my sexual pleasure, and gets hot in the process, but never orgasms that way.

I am deeply thankful that she has finally gotten the pleasure from sex that nature meant her to have.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2006
Sun, 03-25-2007 - 8:48am

You are probably concentrating too hard (or worrying) on having an orgasm. Even once you are able to have orgasms, it doesn't mean that you will have one every time, because it has a lot to do with where your head is. Try to block out everything but the pleasure you are experiencing. If something is happening that feels particularly good, and as you say gets you almost there, capitalize on that event and see if it doesn't push you over the edge -- but while doing so, don't think about the pending orgasm, think about the pleasure.

Also, it is often easier for a woman to learn to orgasm through masturbation. But same scenario, you need to have your head in the right place, be relaxed, don't concentrate on the orgasm. You could try to watch porn while masturbating too -- that feeds your mind sexual stimulation without you having to fantasize. Personally, I also fantasize while watching porn, but porn does help to achieve an orgasm quicker than just masturbation (for me). My favorite way to masturbate is with a hand held shower massage. It's quick, convenient and has a very high success rate!

Once you start having orgasms, you learn how to achieve orgasms easier. Then you can experiment with different ways to have orgasms, what positions work well, what acts work well, what kind of stimulation works well, etc. And, you may be able to achieve orgasms during intercourse as well.



iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 4:35pm
Ok, so I'm 40 years old and have NEVER orgasmed. We've tried various methods and toys to no avail. It causes problems in my 20 year marriage to the point where I'm going for therapy this month. There is a percentage of women who do not orgasm. I'm not exactly sure of the numbers but I think it's somewhere aroun 25%.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 5:04pm

Welcome to the board curlytop. Are you going to therapy because of the problems this has caused or to see if the therapist can enlighten you on how to orgasm?

Have you ever been able to orgasm while masturbating?

So much about the orgasm for a woman is in her mind, and sadly, trying too hard can cause you to over think it. A great website, the-clitoris(dot)com, is definitely worth reading.

If you would like, fill us in a little more and perhaps some of the posters here will have some advice for you too.





iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Tue, 04-03-2007 - 9:03pm
Hello, I have always heard that there are alot of women who do not O alot of the time.
I didn't really have much sexual experience b4 I was with hubby, but every time we have ever had sex I O. I really do feel lucky too, because I have always heard that most women don't O everytime, and alot of women never O. Curly said 25% or so, I thought it was more than that, but I guess that is quite a lot of women though.
Curly I wish you luck, if I never O'd I think it would make me not want to have sex.
Keep us posted!!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2006
Wed, 04-04-2007 - 7:00pm
I justed wanted to let you know that you are not alone...I am the same way. As for how men view it...Im not sure. But you shouldnt give up on it...I havent. When I first started sleeping with my boyfriend, I didnt let him know of my problem and he would get discouraged. Later I told him and he understood completely. Though he always asked if I came afterwards and would try harder the next time to get me to. I often cried because I felt like a disappointment to him but later he told me that our sex is the best he has had because it makes him work for something and he like it because I not like all the other girls that cum all the time. So we are slowly getting there and actually have more fun because the closer we get and the more i moan he gets really excited that he is getting to his "goal" i guess you could say. The best thing for you is open communication...let him know where it feels the best and dont worry to much about it. I am still waiting for my big-O during intercourse and best of luck with getting yours.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2005
Thu, 04-05-2007 - 4:28pm
I may be totally off the mark for you, but I know with myself, years ago while I was taking an anti-depressant, I could almost get there.......teeter on the edge....but never quite get there. It drove me nuts! The same thing happened with the Hubby when he was taking Zyban to quit smoking, which was originally marketed as an anti-depressant. Sure he could go on forever, but forever is waaaaaayyy over-rated! lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2005
Sun, 05-13-2007 - 9:31pm
Thank you to everyone!!!!!! You were all very right. And, just for an update, last night I had my very first orgasm during intercourse alone. Totally caught be offguard and was AMAZING. I will be taking advice more often from you. THANKS!!!!
"There are only two or three human stories, and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely as if they had never happened before." Willa Cather O Pioneers
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 05-14-2007 - 6:15am
CONGRATULATIONS!



Thanks for the update -- it's always nice to hear when members have helped other members!



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