I can't get over my gf's sexual past!!
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I can't get over my gf's sexual past!!
| Tue, 03-08-2005 - 12:37pm |
I am having a really hard time dealing with and getting over my girlfriends sexual past. She was very promiscuous in college and has had many partners (we didn't divulge specific numbers). We have been done with college for a year and have been together for six months now and we are extremely happy. I trust her completely and she is more than open and honest with me, but I still can't get past the fact that she has slept with so many men. I want very badly, for the health of our relationship, to be able to get over it, or at least deal effectively with it so it doesn't become a detriment to our relationship. Any ideas or suggestions? Anybody else experienced this? All advice is welcome.
Thanks,
James

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How many women have you slept with in your life? And if your GF has never divulged any numbers, than how do you know that you haven't had MORE partners?
It's possible that to HER, "very promiscuous" meant having more than one or two partners! We simply can't "fill in the blanks" or assume anything when it comes to another person's perception of these things. I wouldn't encourage her to give numbers or details because you simply can't deal with that now and it's really none of your business anyway. But no one likes to think about their partner's past experiences, particularly at the beginning of a new relationship!
I think the only way to deal with your partner's past is to try and understand WHY you have such a problem with it. That's the first step.
But it's unfair to put your partner on a pedestal because that imposes your own ideals and judgements on her and ignores her humanity and individuality. You have to forgive her for not being the idealistic version you created in your mind and learning that she isn't that person, is your first letdown.
Women are sexual beings apart from men and until you can accept that, this simple truth will hurt your relationship. Allow her to be who she is, warts and all, and accept that her mistakes and past experiences MADE her the person you love today. IF you trust that she's faithful now, and you truly value the relationship, then you have to learn to let it go because it will affect how you view her.
Remember, though, this is still a very new relationship and with time and growing trust, it will likely become less of an issue for you. Give yourself that time and hopefully, you'll be able to look at it more objectively as the relationship matures.
But IF this issue has been a problem for you in the past with other partners, you might consider some counseling to find out why this is so troubling to you.
Edited 3/8/2005 1:21 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Are/were you a "virgin" when you met her? If not, then you need to forget about HER past, just as presumably you've forgotten about your own.
The past is over and done with. You can't change it......you just accept that there was a past, and move on, and take care of the here and now. Are you two sexually active? Do you think that's wrong? What happens if this relationship doesn't last forever? Is she a bad person for having been sexually active with you?
Her past, no matter what it was, makes her what she is today. Without that past, she would be a different person, possibly one that's not attractive to you.
Whatever she did in her past makes no difference because she's with YOU now, and that's all you need to know.
I understand your troubles with her past. Actually though, it boils down to an insecurity thing. You want to be the best she's ever had so that she has no desire to look elsewhere.
Think of it this way. She must have not had as good as you, or she wouldn't be with you.
Greenteabag said the rest perfectly.
Also, you have two choices in dealing with her past.
You Get over it.
or
You Don't.
Thank you for the advice. I guess I should've explained that we were good friends in high school and then attended the same college so we had mutual friends throughout this time. She also has a daughter (20 months old) from a past boyfriend. She told me having a baby made her change her ways and she is much different now. Also, I was not a virgin before we met, in fact I have slept with a fair number of women too. Believe me, I fully understand I'm being hypocrital to hold her past against her, but then expect her to accept me for who I am. I'm just trying to find a way to get over it because I know that is what I need to do.
We've discussed this issue before and she says my past bothers her as well, but whenever she worries about it, she tells herself, "get real, he loves you and wants to be with you" and she stops worrying. It's almost as if a part of me wants her to "apologize" for her past, which I know is completely ridiculous.
It's not so much her past before she got pregnant that bothers me as much as one relationship she had after having her baby. She slept with a past boyfriend with whom she had an on again/off again relationship with during college.
Maybe this is all an insecurity thing, who knows. I appreciate the help though.
Dear James,
All people experience this in one form or the other (although often about other subjects).
Essentially what it boils down to is the human proclivity to "misfile" certain things. Essentially in our minds there are two files: 1) Things I can do something about 2) Things I can do nothing about...the problems come into play when things that are essentially File #2 items get into File #1. What she has done in her past is definitely a file #2 item. File her past actions, your past action and in fact everyone's past back into #2 and you will free up enormous amounts of energy that can be used to affect file number 1, like: learning to communicate better, learning to help each other fulfill each others needs for intimacy, love, sexual expression, etc. etc. Most of us waste our lives worrying about things that have nothing to do with us and that we can have no affect upon.
We as men tend to be compartmental thinkers (There are some women that are this way too, but this tends to be more of a male aspect). We have compartments for lover, mother, sister, friend, wife etc. etc. and sometimes we to place our partners in one of those compartments, when in reality, our wives or partners actually can fit in all of those different compartments. They have all of those aspects and those aspects are all wonderful. However, if we put them exclusively in the "Pure wife/mother" compartment, when aspects of their deeply sexual side come to light, we get a little freaked out. Because all of a sudden it doesn't fit with our projected version of that person. This all happens beneath the surface in the deep unconscious, so there is no reason to be judgmental of yourself. However, if you want to love each other completely, you need to find a way to embrace her sexual side and in turn your own.
In a nutshell, we all experience this...maybe not about our partners sexual past, but usually about something. It's just a simple misfiling situation. As in all things, this too shall pass.
Peace.
Scott.
I guess that I am kinda the opposite of you in this situation. Personally, I love to hear about my wife's past experiences. It is always a complete turn-on for me. LOL. I guess maybe I am just too weird.
Yeah. I was in your same boat...
Listen, Holden McNeil, just let it go. Its called a past for a reason. You're going to have to let this go in order to have a healthy relationship. Obsessing over something like that isn't going to make her or you feel any better. I was in your same shoes and ya know what I learned? Holding it over my husband's head and using it as a weapon and obsessing over it weren't good for the relationship. They call the past "past" for a reason..So that you can work on the present and strive hard to make it into the future. Don't let something silly like this destroy your relationship, because it can.
My advice, watch "Chasing Amy." A movie by Kevin Smith that touches on this subject.
jenniekg,
Was there anything specific you did to get over it and move on? Or did it pass with time?
Thanks
I realized that getting bent up out of shape over my husband's past was no way to live my life. I value the relationship I have with him because he and I are the only two in it. I love the life we have in and out of the bedroom and no past-no matter how scandalous it is-could destroy what we've worked hard to build. I realize that everyone has a skeleton in their closet and that for me getting upset over his past would be so hypocritical because I come with a past, too. We've both learned to use our pasts to help benefit our future together.
I wouldn't expect any apology for his past because his past is his business and not mine. The same thing goes for him. We both are secure in our relationship to know that nothing in the past truely influences our marriage, only working for our future together influences our marriage. Some of our past mistakes have benefited our relationship, but nothing has had such influence that either one of us has gotten so distraught we were able to think of little else.
Believe me, I can understand how hard it is to get over a loved one's past. It can be hard, but you have to think about how much you love your girlfriend and how you want to be with her now. You have to see that the two of you have a beautiful future together if you both choose to. Let the past rest. Its not worth getting upset over.
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