I did it all wrong

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
I did it all wrong
7
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 7:50am
I don't know a whole lot about sex, as in all of the things that are done, you know, the foreplay and all of that. I'm 32 but just had my first sexual experiences with a guy in a casual sex thing. We've done it 6 times but they were all pretty much the same type of thing. One thing we didn't do was undress each other. I wasn't comfortable enough to be completely naked with him. He was always naked but I wore lingerie. He would take off my panties but that's about it. We only kissed a couple of those times we were together and I love to kiss but I was too quiet to mention it at the time we were actually having sex. Stupid I know but that's just me. Another thing is that I couldn't orgasm with him. I've orgasmed when pleasing myself but not with him. Actually I did the last time when he was giving me oral but I don't make much noise, if any, when I do and he didn't like that either. He was constantly telling me to make more noise but that's not me. I still want to see him again but I've done so much wrong sexually that he doesn't want to see me again and now I feel awful about it. I don't know how to get over this.
Avatar for ilovemyfeet
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 7:59am
this isan my normal board but i lurk some times. I dont think There isant any wright or wrong way to have sex (inless their is physical pain caused)and if he doesent like the way you are than he isant the right man for you different people like different things and part of the fun is learning what the other person likes some times that takes time.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 09-29-2006 - 5:32pm
There is no wrong or right way to have sex.

bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 2:03am

>>I don't know a whole lot about sex,<<

Well, you probably know a whole lot more than you think you do and probably an awful lot more than a lot of women do when they first have sex.

>>all pretty much the same type of thing.<<

That is not unusual for many people when they first start having sex with one another. It takes a little while to get comfortable with the other person and to suggest and try things that are beyond "the basics". Many people have basic sex quite a few times and don't start swinging from the chandeliers until a bit later as the sexual relationship develops.

>>I wasn't comfortable enough to be completely naked<<

Again, in the real world, that's not terribly unusual the first few times. I've known girls like that. Usually you get more comfortable after a few times and off it all comes. Btw, you're not actually hiding anything by keeping your lingerie on. It's just a safety blanket for you. He can see what you look like lingerie or not and he's clearly come back to have sex another few times so he must be happy enough with what you look like physically.

>>I love to kiss but I was too quiet to mention it at the time we were actually having sex. <<

Again, it's not terribly unusual when you are in the actual act of intercourse to not kiss. A lot of the time most of the kissing happens during the foreplay and cuddling at the start. But if you want to kiss during intercourse (and a lot of people do) then do it, let him know.

>>I've orgasmed when pleasing myself but not with him.<<
Well, you were feeling pretty self concious and nervous by the sounds of it. You did cum during oral so that's cool. Another thing to remember is that intercourse won't always make you cum at the best of times. Most women need the clitoris stimulated as well and intercourse doesn't really hit it as well as it could. Plenty of women use fingers, different positions or vibrators on their clits during intercourse too!

>>He was constantly telling me to make more noise but that's not me.<<
Sounds like he's being a tiny bit pushy. Some people make noise, some don't. If you want to, you can practice and probably, eventually, you'll get noisy. But you can't force a person to be something that they're not - not within the first few session anyway! If he realised this then he shouldn't push you too much. Encourage you, yes. But I think that he's probably being a little stupid and being a little pushy about it.

>>I still want to see him again but I've done so much wrong sexually<<

I'm not clear on this. Has he actually said that he doesn't want to see you because of the sex?

If so, the guy is an idiot and no matter how much you wanted to continue seeing him it was very unlikely that this relationship would have lasted like you wanted it to. Any guy worth his salt that really really fancies a women will hang in there even if the sex isn't great. Sex can always get better and if a woman really isn't that great in bed, you can always teach her. Everyone knows that.
It sounds to me as if he was purely with you for casual sex and NOT looking for a relationship.

If he hasn't said that and you just think that he's not going to want to see you again - don't sweat it. As I said, if he likes you like you want him to, then you can learn and he will hang in there teaching you what he likes. If it is meant to be, the sex good or bad will NOT affect it if you are willing to learn and eventually try new things as you get more comfortable with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2005
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 4:02am
From the sounds of it the two of you were not compatible. The relationship failed not because you did sex wrong but due to the fact there were relationship issues other than sex. I am sure you may not be able to see the realtionship issues clearly but with time you will. Give it a bit of time before starting another relationship and hold off on sex until you give the relationship a chance to develop. If you do it should go much better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2005
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 7:03am
Another thing too is that he told me that I should let him know more of what I want. He told me that after the last time we were together. I'm the quiet type at the best of times so I was a little shy to tell him those things when I know I shouldn't have been. I mean, here I was having sex with him so what's there to be shy about, right? lol I would've told him what I wanted if we ever got together again but it never happened and I don't think it will now. I feel bad about how I went about the whole thing. I'll know so much more when I meet another guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 10:11am

As Smurfberry said, when you meet another guy, do NOT have sex with him until you know him, and know him well. Don't think that sex is going to make a guy want to be in a relationship with you, or even want to see you again.

The reason he didn't like the sex is because he didn't like YOU. If he did, he would have been less "demanding" and more understanding. Even in a long term relationship, sex for the first few times isn't that great......it takes time to get to know each other's bodies, and desires. A guy who cares about you will work with you, and you'll work with him to MAKE it better. A guy who just wants sex will take the sex, and then move on, not because the sex was bad, but because he didn't care about you in the first place.

A man who is really interested in you, who wants to have a relationship with you, will WAIT for sex, even if he has to wait months or years. If he's not really interested, sex isn't going to MAKE him interested.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sat, 09-30-2006 - 8:25pm

Hello Frustrated,

Sounds to me like you did several things "RIGHT"!

Between the two of you you got the panties off and that helps when having sex. Many people would think that is the "right" thing to do when you want to have sex! LOL

You and he got together 6 times. Something got you two back together! Something went right!

Your issues appear to be trust, communication, and confidence.

He appears to be trying to encorage you to communicate with him.

If you want more than the panties to come off or for him to slow down tell him or encourage him or ask him to undress you slowly ask to undress him both of you take one piece of clothing off at a time for each other. Make it a game.

If you want him to kiss during sex tell him or just kiss him. He might kiss you back! However, some people don't kiss much. I had one girlfriend that wouldn' or didn't kiss any during the whole sexual arousal period and during and after. Took some getting use to. She said it didn't do anything for her.

Most people start off a little slow. Everyone has to figure out what they can do and how their new partner will react to what they do.

Practice and experience with each other will help. Communnication if not verbal then use nonverbal place his hand where you want it. You kiss him. many peopple are shy when they first get together.

If you are not getting what you need thats OK too go elsewhere and chalk this up to experience.

He may be frustrated too. It takes two to be frustrated with each other and it also takes two to be satisfied with each other.

I don't think you did it "all" wrong.

Try not to beat yourself up!

Good luck to both of you!!!!