I do not want sex...but he does

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-07-2003
I do not want sex...but he does
5
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:06pm

Hi,
This is the closest board I could find for my questions. Please note it is not entirely about why I do want sex, but the fact that I do not want sex (since this is religion based).

I have recently (past 6 months) went though a transformation. I have always believed in religion and a God, but unfortunaly was not very serious. Anyway I have deeped my faith and have decided to stop having pre-martial sex.

I have recently (last 6 weeks) started dating an ex- boyfriend. In the past when dating him we did have sex. Now that I have told him of my new desion, he has shuned it. He thinks it is only a phase I am going through and it will pass.

My question is do you think I am being unrealistic with my choice? Is this being unfair to him? Or does it seem that he is only intereseted in sex? Do you think it is possible for a couple to have a great relationship (in the dating stage) with out sex? Is the .."you are not as mature as you were when you dated me before", make sence? I have deepened my faith but I am pretty much the same person...I can still laugh and have fun, ect...

Thanks so much
~reinventing

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-11-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:19pm

Hi Reinventing:


A person has or does not have sex based on the following: religion, values, family upbringing, etc.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:26pm

First, above anything else, your is priority, sister. Don't let any guilt feelings or pressure of any kind take you away from your faith. If you do NOT have a boyfriend who supports you AND your decision to get closer to God, even if obedience to God means less/no sex for your bf, then you need to REALLY have a talk with that bf of yours and make sure you both understand what your unbreakable boundaries really are.

You made a change in your life, a change that you feel (and likely know) is for the better for you. If your bf cannot accept that change, so be it, time to move on. Neither you nor him should feel guilty about it in my opinion.

Keep in mind that sex is "intimate" and not just physical. If he's not ready to lose that intimacy with you, then I say again, don't guilt trip him just like you don't need him guilt tripping you, right? Right.

These words are just my humble opinion, not law. For really great insight on religious views, particularly Protestant, consider checking out the following link,

Christian Singles
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlchristians

in the Intimate Relationships section. Really great people!

Hope you're able to get some really nice advice here. Let us know, k? :)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 11-18-2004 - 11:52pm

>> His "pressuring" for sex (just because you did it prior) implies you are a "booty call"; he is NOT thinking of you!!! <<

I disagree with this entirely. Many people believe that sex is an essential part of a loving relationship. This does not mean that the partner is a booty call. I know that I would not go without sex while dating, but in no way does that mean that sex is the *only* thing I want. To many people sex is part of the whole package. I also disagree that her needs are somehow more important than his.

To Reinventing: I believe that neither of you has the right to push your own opinions onto the other. His need to have sex is just as important as your need to abstain. In short, if neither of you wants to change your way of thinking, the only answer is to break up.

Choosing to abstain is totally your choice, and you should never feel pressured to go against your choice. However, it's also very much the choice of your boyfriend to not like the idea of going without sex and end the relationship.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 2:41am

I agree with aisha about this. What makes it a little complicated is that you have had sex with this guy before. He, quite naturally, finds it difficult to understand why you could have sex with him before and don't want to have sex with him now.

Regardless of what has gone before, he has the right to want a sexual relationship just as you have the right to want a non-sexual relationship. There are no easy solutions - neither of you are right or wrong in wanting what you want. Perhaps there is room to compromise somewhere in the middle, perhaps there isn't.

Since you are firmly standing by the 'No sex before marriage' line he will be the one that has to make a choice whether or not he wants to continue the relationship with you without sex. You have already made your choice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Fri, 11-19-2004 - 3:13am

First and foremost I want to say congratulations on your transformation. I personally am not religious, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t know the value of being very strong spiritually. As for your post..

~I have recently (past 6 months) went though a transformation. ~

Congratulations

~I have deepened my faith but I am pretty much the same person...I can still laugh and have fun, ect...~

I am sure you are a very cool person and the same in that regard. Your Politics, views on society, core values, the way you will raise your children, feelings and reactions to certain things have all changed dramatically due to religion. This is important stuff that changed suddenly. I didn’t mention the fact that God has now overtaken any bf or spouse as the number one priority. You must honor God to even be able to honor him (Supposedly). This isn’t bad, but again, you are completely different on many DEEP levels. You have only begun to see some of the changes. Just wait. They are sure to permeate everything in your life (for the better, for you).

~My question is do you think I am being unrealistic with my choice?~

No. You were faced with a hard choice. You have cannot grow spiritually sometimes without making sacrifices. Sometimes those sacrificies have huge affects on others, but that is life. Many times, people need to compromise, but this is the VERY hard issue where no compromises can even be considered. It is unrealistic for you to think that you can just tell him that sex is no longer a possibility, and expect that he will be COMPLETELY unphased by it. Of course he is going to care because your decision affects him greatly. Does that make him shallow........of course NOT!

~ Is this being unfair to him?~

Yes and no. Yes because you are removing something from him that he loved sharing with you. He has no control and no say whatsoever. On the other part it isn’t unfair on your part, it is simply an unfair situation. You need to be true to yourself and that means making him sacrifice things too. Now being true to yourself doenst mean refusing to do things for him because you feel your are sacrificing yourself (i.e. being selfish). In this case, you TRULY are being true to yourself and need to be. Hey, sometimes life isn’t fair. You are being as fair as YOU can be.

~Or does it seem that he is only intereseted in sex?~

Absolutely not. You don’t have to be a sex fiend to love and enjoy it with someone you loved. Sex is important, rewarding, and a necessary connection for a lot of people. You were forced to stop having sex, thereby taking away something important to him. Is he only interested in sex? NO. Does he value sex and regard it highly? Most likely. There is a HUGE difference between the two questions.

~Do you think it is possible for a couple to have a great relationship (in the dating stage) with out sex?~
Absolutely, but it is relationship dependent. If both people don’t need that connection, then sure, a great relationship is possible. If someone values sex and longs for that connection, than it may be difficult for many relationships. Your situation is a very difficult one. Not only did he value sex but he used to have it and now he cant. That makes it even harder to have a great relationship. Again, you can have a great relationship but the people involved and other circumstances play a huge role.

~Is the .."you are not as mature as you were when you dated me before", make sence?~

NOPE! Why does it have to make sense? Neither of you has to rationalize this situation or put one person “higher” than the other. The situation is that you are stronger spiritually, and he didn’t experience the spiritual transformation you did. This situation causes obvious strain. That is all there is to it. You couldn’t control your transformation and he cant control your subsequent actions.

In the end, you “MAY” have to break up. It isn��t because he is a sex-crazed immature guy or that you are an unfair girl thinking selfishly. It is simply one of those situations, and if he feels he can’t be on the same page as you, then you will both have to move on. These things happen in life. Either way, I am sure you will be happy in the future.

Good luck

PS: To tell you the truth I feel bad for him. If you do breakup, he will feel bad because he wishes this transformation never took place and screwed things up for him. You on the other hand will most likely find someone just as religous and enjoy your new self with someone on the same page.

hahah :)