I don't know how to talk to him.........
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| Wed, 03-15-2006 - 8:40am |
Hello Board,
My fiance and I have been together for 4 years, engaged for 1 1/2 years. I'm so bored with sex. I'll get highs where I really do want it, but one problem is that it is always in the bedroom now. The bedroom just makes me sleepy. I can be into sex one minute and the next not when I hit the bed. He doesn't seem to get it. I'm a nursing student and I find it hard to stay awake at home. After class and homework and studying, I am wiped. Even if I am horny, I'll pick sleep over sex. The other thing is this awful beard he refuses to at least trim. I wouldn't mind it if he kept it in a goatee. I'm just very turned off by it. How can I tell him that is the reason I hate it so much without hurting his ego? I am still attracted to other qualities.
*J*

What are you doing to spice up your sex life?
I can't tell you how to talk to him, but I can tell you that if you CAN'T talk to him without worrying about hurting his ego, then you two have some communication problems.
You're allowing him to do as he pleases, even if it makes you unhappy. Aren't you entitled to an opinion? If you don't like his beard, then you need to tell him that. That doesn't mean he HAS to change it, but that you're entitled to have an opinion on it. If he cares about you (more than his ego), then he'll trim it. If your opinion hurts his ego, then he has a problem.
If you can't talk to him now, what will you do when you're married? What will you do when there's a problem? Keep it to yourself? You can't do that. Things happen, and things need to be discussed. If you can't talk to him about something as simple as his beard, what will you do if it's a big financial problem, or something really important?
As for the sex problem, if you're tired and stressed out from school, that's normal. You didn't say HE was complaining, so I'm guessing that it's just you that's not happy. It's a part of life......there are always highs and lows. Be patient, and it will pass. You can't help it if you're tired. That's part of being a student, and under pressure.
You started your post with "I don't know how to talk to him". Honey, you talk to him the way you NEED to talk to him. It's called communication. You don't argue, you don't get upset, you state the facts in a calm way, and then hopefully discuss them, and come up with a mutually satisfying solution. If you have to be afraid to say things to him, then there is a BIG problem in your relationship.
Well, with your personal demands and schedule, it's no wonder that you're so tired and prefer sleep over sex, but you DO have a partner to consider.
School WILL end at some point, taking care of the fatigue issue, but you really have to address all these conflicts BEFORE you marry or they'll continue to be problematic and set the tone for all the other problems that will inevitably crop up.
It's always best to deal with minor problems BEFORE they have a chance to turn into major resentments. Those little irritations could destroy your relationship.
Be honest with your guy, in as nonjudgemental and gentle way as possible, be honest about your feelings. He deserves that and THEN, you can begin to decide together how to solve these issues. But he certainly can't fix what he isn't aware of!
Guess all I can do at this point is to echo the 3 other replies concerning the merits of talking to him about the problems you stated.
I wish to point out, that graduation from nurse’s school will not solve your problem of being exhausted. Being a nurse these days seems to be more fatiguing than school. Just the manner of exhaustion will change. In this high stress occupation one must be better equipped to freely discuss at anytime, under any situation, any area of interest with your partner and plan quality time for any extra curricular activities.
I like the advice so far. I'm going to add a side to this though.
The Mrs. & I are TRULY best friends. That said, I'd be sooooo lying to you if I had you believe that all is perfect with us. We still have communication issues at times. We still have things we're too afraid to bring up and too uncomfortable to discuss. IMHO, I think thats just part of a true relationship for us, learning more and more and more how to get past those uneasy situations.
No magic pill with talking about sensitive things. Its just a matter of giving it a shot when you really feel it is necessary. Some may like to claim that they no longer have these issues, but not even we lovebird Paras are one of 'em.
The beard issue is a VERY normal issue, just like other things that men don't like or that women don't like...nothing wrong with it. My wife just flat out told me how my beard made her feel. She didn't think twice about how my feelings would be on it. I took that as "cool" believe it or not, LOL! I saw it as her cemented trust in me to just flat out tell me that she really does prefer the smoother skin. She does that a LOT here and there. She prefers the military cut, she prefers a smoother face, she prefers a certain look, on and on. I like knowing what she likes. Oh, wait, she prefers I trim my graying owl whiskers eyebrows...that could be a problem, LOL!
Anyway, maybe you can get away with telling him what turns you on without telling him what turns you off. Telling him that you've noticed more and more that you like the goatee look lately is better than telling him you like the beard. Make sense?
NOTE: I am not saying whether or not something work, because a man telling a woman that he "prefers" a certain pubic look is worth 50 lashes in some areas, ahem, like a sex board, LOL!
Your schedule sounds similar to the double career schedule I'm trying to pull off these days. I remind Mrs. Para every now and then that even when I AM in the mood for more than just tantrics and body massages, I will get tired and it doesn't mean I'm not trying. I can't see why you aren't able to somehow confirm the same message with him.
I think you have good feedback. Let us know how it turns out if you'd like. Your report just may help other readers out there in your situation. Good luck.
C H A R A C T E R
I hate to tell you but there are plenty of women out there that are slobs too. But men are men. Most do a good job of looking after their personal hygiene (especially if you ask them to do better) and I'm sorry to hear that you have been involved with so many that don't meet your standards. Have you considered the possibilty that you may also have very high standards of personal grooming and hygiene that are over and beyond those of most peoples? Have you considered that your sexual preference for women might be colouring your idea of men and that you are using the hygiene issue to rationalise your preference?
On the flip side, most men prefer to be men too. Groom and manicure a man too much and he might as well be gay or a French Poodle as a man.
All men seem to be hot, sweat, don't like to bathe and they want you to blow them when they are like this?
Listen, I've been around women who were almost as nasty as the nastiest guy, so I agree with the others that this isn't necessarily a male issue.
A slovenly, unkempt appearance & lackadaisical attitude toward hygiene can actually be symptoms of depression.
But there is NO way in hell that I would perform oral sex on a nasty body. You always have a choice. You can always say "take a shower and we'll talk about it."
Thankfully, my DH's parents trained him properly in personal hygiene and he has never needed my encouragement to take care of those things.