It's important in any relationship not to make assumptions. If you want to really be unhappy, assume someone is feeling or thinking something because usually when we assume it is the worse case scenario. Let go of that idea and you will be much happier.
Secondly, make an observation not an evaluation of what happened that brought up your feelings. Observations are hard, because we ALWAYS want to color them with an evaluation. An observation is what happened, not your perception of it. Then talk to him and explain to him your feelings using REAL feelings like: sad, dissappointed, angry, happy, lonely, etc. Do not use unreal feelings: Neglected, belittled, etc. (these words make the other person responsible for your feelings instead of you). Then tell him what need you have, followed by a SPECIFIC request. Here's an example.
"Yesterday I asked you to go to a movie with me. You logged onto the computer and spent an hour involved in that (and evaluation would be: Yesterday I asked you to go to a movie, you ignored me, then you sat in front of the computer doing unimportant crap forever). I was dissappointed and sad, because I had a need to spend some time with you and wanted your attention for that time (Here's an example of non-real feelings: I felt neglected and unloved, it seemed I was less important then your computer). (Here's the specific request), after you and I get home from work, I would like to spend 1 hour with you a day from 6 to 7, with no computer. Can you give me that?"
He can say yes or no, if he says no than negociate so that both of you can get your needs met. Also, if he says no be okay with that...if you have a tantrum when he says no than you are not making request, you are demanding. No one responds well to demands...they automatically become defensive and then it is doubly hard to get your needs met.
Most problems in a relationship are directly related to communication. Remember, what you are thinking, what you are saying and what he is hearing are often three seperate things. And of course the opposite it true as well.
I believe that couples want to help make their partners happy, but rarely do any of us communicate our feelings and needs and make a specific request. Usually, we make vague requests that NEVER get us what we need. "I would like to spend time with you." Is a perfect example of a vague, meaningless request. To you that could mean two uninterrupted hours a day...to him that could mean being home on the computer and having you in the house. It's important to be specific.
"If he doesn't want to have sex with me because the computer is more interesting, then there's a problem, right?" Come on...do you REALLY need to ask that question?
Sounds like he's doing everything possible to avoid being with you in any way and that could be because his feelings for you have changed (and he's afraid to tell you) or something's bothering him. But unfortunately, it's up to you to find out what's behind this behavior. Or learn to live with it.
But I say, when you aren't top priority with your partner, then you're settling for his leftovers. Can I suggest getting and reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You!"
Being married to a total computer geek, my suggestion is COMPROMISE if you really want to make the relationship work. Of course, it's a mutual thing, BOTH of you must be willing to give-n-take. He needs to understand your feelings and be willing to sacrifice some computer time and you need to tolerate his hobby. Better yet, try to get involved in this hobby of his... ask him to show you how to play the computer games, give him suggestions on what to put on his homepage, ask him questions about computer stuff, etc... that's what I do with my husband, although some of the geeky stuff he talks about is quite boring (like the differences between CPU fans or why Windows Server is better than XP), but I do get great enjoyment out of watching him enthusiastically talk about his hobby (he's normally quiet and not good with speech). If you can have some involvement in it, you won't feel so left out. And again, he should compromise as well, by being involved in your hobby.
"Lately" indicates to me that this is a change in their relationship, according to the OP. Why do men suddenly begin avoiding sex? There has to be a reason.
And so there's a big difference in overindulging an intense passion for a hobby and suddenly neglecting or avoiding sex with your partner. This seems more serious than a simple frequency conflict. I would seriously doubt that most men would prefer tinkering on the computer to having sex with their partner. Something else is going on here, IMO.
If your sex life is being affected by a computer, then there is a problem in your relationship. If your bf is not willing to work on the problem with you, get a new bf! I love computing too, but if my man wants sex, or I do (usually the case), then I can leave what I'm doing to play. If your bf is under 80 yrs. old & doesn't want sex. HE has a problem! Try to talk to him AWAY from the computer OR send him a computer message about your feelings. Give him a time frame to comply to your needs & stick to it. Also, analyze if there is something YOU can do to excite him: lingerie? wine? music? strip tease? blatant sexual attack?!!! If nothing works, DUMP HIM!
There may be a bigger underlying issue (that causes him to avoid intimacy) as other posters suggested, or it may simply be that you two are becoming "settled" in the relationship and he's moving into his comfort zone. He knows you're there, so he doesn't need to put out as much effort as when you were first courting. If you two haven't already been together for years, this may be the case... basically he's showing his true computer-geek color.
You're not the only one with a computer freak significant other... mine just started building his new computer, he's been working on it for 12 hours today! Hmmm, wonder if I'm getting any tonight... if he's too tired, I'll just have to molest him in his sleep! Well, anyway, good luck to you.
Dear inacolada,
It's important in any relationship not to make assumptions. If you want to really be unhappy, assume someone is feeling or thinking something because usually when we assume it is the worse case scenario. Let go of that idea and you will be much happier.
Secondly, make an observation not an evaluation of what happened that brought up your feelings. Observations are hard, because we ALWAYS want to color them with an evaluation. An observation is what happened, not your perception of it. Then talk to him and explain to him your feelings using REAL feelings like: sad, dissappointed, angry, happy, lonely, etc. Do not use unreal feelings: Neglected, belittled, etc. (these words make the other person responsible for your feelings instead of you). Then tell him what need you have, followed by a SPECIFIC request. Here's an example.
"Yesterday I asked you to go to a movie with me. You logged onto the computer and spent an hour involved in that (and evaluation would be: Yesterday I asked you to go to a movie, you ignored me, then you sat in front of the computer doing unimportant crap forever). I was dissappointed and sad, because I had a need to spend some time with you and wanted your attention for that time (Here's an example of non-real feelings: I felt neglected and unloved, it seemed I was less important then your computer). (Here's the specific request), after you and I get home from work, I would like to spend 1 hour with you a day from 6 to 7, with no computer. Can you give me that?"
He can say yes or no, if he says no than negociate so that both of you can get your needs met. Also, if he says no be okay with that...if you have a tantrum when he says no than you are not making request, you are demanding. No one responds well to demands...they automatically become defensive and then it is doubly hard to get your needs met.
Most problems in a relationship are directly related to communication. Remember, what you are thinking, what you are saying and what he is hearing are often three seperate things. And of course the opposite it true as well.
I believe that couples want to help make their partners happy, but rarely do any of us communicate our feelings and needs and make a specific request. Usually, we make vague requests that NEVER get us what we need. "I would like to spend time with you." Is a perfect example of a vague, meaningless request. To you that could mean two uninterrupted hours a day...to him that could mean being home on the computer and having you in the house. It's important to be specific.
Good luck and much love to you both.
Scott.
Edited 8/26/2008 6:15 pm ET by inacolada
I can see how frustrated you are. Just be with it and ask for specific things you desire.
Good luck.
Scott.
Edited 8/26/2008 6:15 pm ET by inacolada
"If he doesn't want to have sex with me because the computer is more interesting, then there's a problem, right?" Come on...do you REALLY need to ask that question?
Sounds like he's doing everything possible to avoid being with you in any way and that could be because his feelings for you have changed (and he's afraid to tell you) or something's bothering him. But unfortunately, it's up to you to find out what's behind this behavior. Or learn to live with it.
But I say, when you aren't top priority with your partner, then you're settling for his leftovers. Can I suggest getting and reading the book "He's Just Not That Into You!"
"Lately" indicates to me that this is a change in their relationship, according to the OP. Why do men suddenly begin avoiding sex? There has to be a reason.
And so there's a big difference in overindulging an intense passion for a hobby and suddenly neglecting or avoiding sex with your partner. This seems more serious than a simple frequency conflict. I would seriously doubt that most men would prefer tinkering on the computer to having sex with their partner. Something else is going on here, IMO.
Edited 1/5/2005 6:30 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
There may be a bigger underlying issue (that causes him to avoid intimacy) as other posters suggested, or it may simply be that you two are becoming "settled" in the relationship and he's moving into his comfort zone. He knows you're there, so he doesn't need to put out as much effort as when you were first courting. If you two haven't already been together for years, this may be the case... basically he's showing his true computer-geek color.
You're not the only one with a computer freak significant other... mine just started building his new computer, he's been working on it for 12 hours today! Hmmm, wonder if I'm getting any tonight... if he's too tired, I'll just have to molest him in his sleep! Well, anyway, good luck to you.