I dont want to have sex.......help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
I dont want to have sex.......help!
4
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 2:11pm
So I am thirty years old, a mother to a 13 yr old girl. I started having sex when I was 15. that will be exactly 15 years to the day on Sunday. I am divorced, living with someone for over 5 yrs. During my first marriage me not wanting to have sex was a problem, not the cause of divorce but certainly helped it along. With SO, when we dated sex was fun, exciting and I looked forward to it. wheter at home,hotels, motels, and other places. After the first year of us living together I started wanting it less and less. When sex happens its usually thought of by me as a chore. I don't enjoy it unless I am extremely focused on trying to enjoy it. I have been havinga lot of stressful issues in the past year. Mom in coma, teen daughter, bills that dont go away, sister losing her children to the system and more. SO is always wanting it, there isn't an hour that goes by when he isn't insinuating that he expects sex that night or fondling my breasts as he goes by or grabbing my ass or whatever. 9 out of 10 times I do not experiance an orgasm, and that 1 time is due to oral sex. I feel terrible. I actually dread sex. I hope that SO will forget about wanting it and just fall asleep. when he does or pretends to he throws it in my face the next morning..."another night without sex" I know that he has been real patient. I just dont know why I am the way I am. I dont know what to do to change things.
Any help is appreciated.
Sorry for rambling on I just felt that the more you knew, the better.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Fri, 05-19-2006 - 3:45pm

Stress doesn't help the libido. Him treating you like a piece of meat.....grabbing and groping at inappropriate times doesn't help the libido either.

You say you don't enjoy it unless you're extremely focused on it, but that's exactly what you're supposed to do....focus on IT rather than all the other problems around you.

Whether or not you have orgasms isn't the reason to have sex. If you try to enjoy the sex, the orgasms should come. However, it sounds like lover boy is more interested in his pleasure than in yours, and if you're not getting any "romance" and not getting any foreplay......it's hard to feel "loving".

Are you on any antidepressants for all the stress that's going on? If so, THAT will kill the libido, for sure.

Maybe you've got to talk to the SO and explain why you're not feeling sexy very often, he could do a lot to get you in the mood PROPERLY......and that's NOT groping in passing, either. Good Luck to you!

Avatar for ukgirl82
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-17-2005
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 7:04am

"I know that he has been real patient."

To be honest I don't think he HAS been real patient. Your mother is in a coma, you have a teen daughter, sounds like you're in heavy debt, and your sister is losing her children... and he's getting annoyed when you won't have sex with him? You're obviously very stressed out and naturally, thats going to negatively effect your libido, if he doesn't understand that then he's not really being as patient as you think he is. Your mother is in a coma for god's sake! It's no wonder you're not interested in sex.

However, on the other hand I don't know the exact timeline of how long your mother has been in a coma versus when you started losing interest in sex. For starters, I think for a lot of people it's normal for the frequency of sex to lessen a little bit as you have been together longer. Maybe not as infrequent as its been for you guys but again, mother in coma, lots of stress, etc.

Secondly, you say that you feel like you have to really focus on sex to enjoy it. Well, that's kind of the point. You're supposed to be really focused on sex to enjoy it. You're obviously just not interested in being focused on it probably because you're so stressed out! While you could try to make more of an effort to focus on it so you really enjoy it, I do think you need to talk to him and tell him that he needs to be more understanding.

Also, I'm sure the fact that he gets annoyed with you when you don't want to have sex only makes it worse. I mean, who wants to have sex with someone who gets annoyed with you when you're not in the mood? What a turn off... does he really think getting annoyed is going to make you want him? The only way it works is by guilting you into it and thats just selfish, manipulative and downright wrong!

My uncle was dating a friend of my mother's when this friend got cancer and was going through treatment. Fortunately they caught the cancer very early so her treatment wasn't too bad but naturally, it still made her tired, sick, and completely uninterested in sex. My uncle, who is a complete jerk, would still pressure her to have sex and even get angry when she'd say she wasn't interested. For crying out loud, she had cancer! Fortunately, she eventually realized what an insensitive, selfish, uncaring jerk my uncle is and dumped him... she's now happily married to a guy who actually treats her well.

Now I realize your situation isn't as bad as having cancer but it's the same kind of thing. It's only normal that your libido has dropped dramatically while your mom is in a coma. If my mom was in a coma, the LAST thing on my mind would be sex and my fiance would know and understand that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2006
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 7:55am
The key here is the fact that you are not married to this guy.
The solution is a simple one.
Walk away from him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Sat, 05-20-2006 - 5:18pm

I think that the big problem is that you SO ISN'T being particularly sensitive or real patient. In fact, I think that he's being very impatient.

Even if you felt happy and everything in life was great and you wanted sex, there would be nothing wrong with not wanting it every day or only wanting sex a few times a week. Even if everything was great it sounds like your partner would want sex more often than you. Again, there is nothing wrong with that. Most people work out a routine and find a happy compromise. Usually that means that the person that wants sex more masturbates now and again or learns to live without sex for a day or two, and the two of you happily have regular sex when you both want it.

When things in life go bad and get stressful most partners can understand that the sex life takes a dive and the frequency of sex reduces. Since they care for you they understand what is going on and they give you a bit of room to breath and don't make demands on you because they know what's going on. Sure, they can try to initiate sex but they shouldn't get upset or annoyed if you aren't interested. After-all, it isn't personal and you have a lot on your mind that pushes out the thoughts of sex and making love.

Any sensible person knows that complaining and making smart comments about something that you don't want to do is only going to have a negative effect - you are going to feel even less warm and fuzzy towards the person making the comments and feel less like "giving in and doing it" because you only feel more stressed by the comments and insults and you don't feel appreciated or understood.

So where am I going with this?
Your SO is an arse. If he wants sex more often then he should be considering your circumstances and approaching you in a different, more caring kind of way. He should be supporting you and caring for you, not grabbing your arse and making smart comments and demanding sex every day - or as you put it "there isn't an hour goes by". Grabbing your arse isn't caring or sensitive. making comments or insulting you isn't going to make you feel loved and intimate and close to him. If he didn't demand sex all the time, and listened to you, talked to you, hugged you and held you, that would be a much better way of making you feel loved and wanted and supported and comforted. If you felt like that, there is a very good chance that you would even feel aroused and would want to make love more often.

This is what the problem is: It isn't actually anything wrong with you. You're just fine and reacting and feeling like any normal person would. You have some stressful things going on in your life. You have a partner that is more concerned about getting laid than about how you feel. When he wants sex he is about as romantic as a bulldozer (grabbing your arse is not subtle or romantic, a hug and a kiss would be much better). Then he insults you when you turn him down. Who on earth would WANT to have sex with someone like that? Who on earth would be interested in sex if that was all that they had to look forward to? And as for an orgasm? No way are you going to feel relaxed or comfortable enough to let go and have an orgasm.