I fall asleep duirng foreplay...
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| Mon, 08-07-2006 - 10:42pm |
He does absolutly everything right. Our relationship is great. Very loving, affectionate, I'm very attracted to him, and all that good stuff. He is AWESOME at foreplay and gives me lots and lots of attention. ( In fact he just recently complained i lie there and hog all the attention: he has been neglected :(, but I will make it up to him! And I am starting here! :) )
The problem is: Generally by the time we have had dinner, and watched tv (assuming we don't have sex in the middle of all that), after a long day at work or school, I get tired. He is so gentle and loving and sensual... which is awesome and helps me get to orgasm alot faster; but if I am starting to get sleepy, or am flat out exhausted, I find everything he is doing to be incredibly relaxing. So I relax and moan and get more relaxed, and then.... I start to snore. I actually have fallen asleep a couple times during ORAL!!!!!!!!
And he's such a good sport about it. The first time it happened he said my body was quivering and I was all into it, and then suddenly my legs relaxed and my breathing got regular. He realized I was asleep so he "took a break" (LOL) and then went back at it a little more vigorously until I woke up ( I was totally unaware) and then you know, I finished. LOL
This has happened a few more times since then- I think it started over our anniversary holiday weekend last november. But as I reflect on this, I also realize that quite a ways back, over a year ago, he would start to touch me, rub my back hold me close, etc. and I would fall asleep. I had said to him at that time I need you to just throw me on the bed and be real aggressive, because this is too relaxing. But this is essentially his seduction technique so spontaniety to that extreme ( extreme for us ;) ) isn't partcularly regular ( plus weve been LD since January).
So what can I do about my sleeping issues??
A nd here's another thing. He claims I don't initate, but I claim he doesn't respond to my intations. Saturday night I tried touching him- doing the things he usually does to me- for like, an hour until I fell asleep and he never responded to een turned to face me even though he was awake. The next morning the same thing was repeated for SEVERAL hours. Since he didn't even say touch my hand as I touched him, I assumed he wasn't interested, which I found bizarre as this weekend was the first we'd seen each other in 5 weeks ( I backpacked through Europe). At lunchtime I finally complained and he said he had been waiting for me to make a MAJOR move because if he responded to my touching he said I would "just lie there like a log" --- not being equally as attentive to him was his point. But the truth is when he starts touching me like that it's hard for me to think at all, let alone make my body function. And if I manage to fight through the wonderfulness, I am no longer focusing on what he's doing and I can't orgasm. And because we haven't done it in awhile, everthing is shrunk up down there and penetration hurts unless I have been prepped with a pre-sex orgasm. We keep trying pouring buckets of lube down there but the pain is just excruciating. But if I orgasm, and we immediatly go into it, it's all good, totally awesome! No issue whatsoever. Maybe a little tight, but barely a blip on the radar. And I know from the ther times we have been separated that the pain will go on until we've been having regular sex for awhile.
Any advice baout that either?

Are you two averse to just SAYING "Hey, Hon, how about some nookie tonight! Let's skip dinner until AFTER!" My goodness, but you make the process so complicated, it's no wonder you fall asleep!
Why not have him stimulate you orally or manually to orgasm once, and then go for it? It really doesn't have to take HOURS every time, does it? There's nothing wrong with quickies occasionally either, particularly, when you've had a long hard day.
My advice is SAY what you want and mean what you say. Stop trying to be so coy about it and don't waste time trying to guess what the other is thinking. That will never get you anywhere. Trust me.
Communication and prioritizing are the keys to great sex AND a great relationship.
Edited 8/8/2006 1:07 am ET by katmandoo2001
That's just it- he's so slow! Ans I'm so slow! I can orgasm, but it takes forever! He worked really hard to get me there, such a guy, LOL, and after a few months after like an HOUR of oral I came for the first time ever. It always takes forever and is very frustrating. We used a vibrator on me before we started having sex, early in our relationship, which is fine, but it's not a preference for either of us, and we'd like to figure out how to speed me up. ... And I would like to know how to speed up his seduction technique!
If I say to him, come on', let's DO IT! And grin, then he will laugh ask, "Yeah?" and then nothing happens. I don't want to just jump on him, that's weird for me! but that seems to be what he wants me to do. Bleh. even talking about this is making me sleepy. LOL
I think you're right, we need more quickies. Especially at bedtime. Now how do I make him stop seducing me and just lie there? LOL
After our "fight" Sunday which was spurred by a make out session which just stopped and didn't progress, I noted he had leaked on his shorts ( goin' commando) and I was all, why didn't you SAY you were that into it??! So I jumped on him and he threw me on the floor. Great, but I dont LIKE jumping on him! Ugh.
THANKS kat
I agree with Sugar that it sounds like you're both too focused on your pleasure.
It's time that YOU spent as much time arousing him and making him feel special, too. Yes, that means stepping out of YOUR comfort zone and "jumping on him." You said he liked that. Well, newsflash, MOST men do! Everyone wants to feel special, be pampered and catered to sexually....at least some of the time. And GIVING pleasure can be as arousing as receiving it.
If he wants to feel desired, ravaged or seduced, then do that for him. It will pay off for both of you in the end.
And BTW, a good way to speed up, kickstart or enhance your arousal is to step back from sex for a while. A few days or a week can do wonders, not to mention, give you some extra hours of sleep!. Just taking that little break from regular sex can allow your hormone level to raise enough to speed things up.
Edited 8/8/2006 5:00 pm ET by katmandoo2001
"But as I reflect on this, I also realize that quite a ways back, over a year ago, he would start to touch me, rub my back hold me close, etc. and I would fall asleep. I had said to him at that time I need you to just throw me on the bed and be real aggressive, because this is too relaxing. But this is essentially his seduction technique so spontaniety to that extreme ( extreme for us ;) ) isn't partcularly regular ( plus weve been LD since January)."
I know your libido isn't always going to match his, but is this correct that he needs you to be the aggressor before he can get worked up into a sexual frenzy? If so, it might be a good idea to have a sit down and discuss why you're having trouble meeting each other's needs. That you also need him to take on a more active role because he's not meeting your needs is important, too.
If you want him to lie still, get a couple of silk scarves and tie his wrists to the bedposts, or get a pair of cuffs (adult stores and etailers usually have soft cuffs). That'll solve your problem :-) Just make sure he's secure enough that he can't get away. If he begs for mercy you can always gag him ;-) And if you need an orgasm to loosen up enough for intercourse, I would do it yourself first or else give him a blowjob (and do yourself afterwards) so it can be all about him. Maybe he'll find it easier to be the aggressor after he's been "jumped", so to speak.
Ok I get it.
But---- did you not read my post? David and I hadn't had sex in FIVE WEEKS. This was the problem. It didn't make me morehorny or easier to become aroused, it beca,e much much harder. When I don't have sex regularly my vagina tightens up and sex is incredibly painful; even with lubrication. Which is horrible, because ike last weekend, we had been apart so long and you want to do it, and it's just absolutly excruciating. He gets all worried and wrapped up in that becasue I am on the verge of tears and shaking the moment we start. I tried deep breaths, going slow, not moving at all, half a bottle of lube... all that seems to make a difference and allow us to have sex is if I have had an orgasm before intercourse. Oral sex, with some finger play to help with loosening things up down there makes a HUGE difference. It's maybe a bit of a wince to start but then it's fine. To even have sex at all that's going to have to happen virtually every time until we are have had sex enough times within a short period of time so that it's not painful. It really sucks.
Anyway, abstaining is not an option... we are long distance, we've just been separated for 5 weeks and are only seeing each other on the weekends now- and not every weekend at that. We're going to have sex when we see each other! Our time together is precious and sex is part of bonding. FIVE WEEKS of abstaining certainly didn''t get mmy hormone levels higher than normal; I'm always horny and always tired... He and I discussed it again last night on the phone and he tol dme that if I was feeling sleepy that I needed to speak up and say so- he would drive me to starbucks personally. LOL That was really good of him to say though. Tells me how important it is to him and how much he wants me to speak up- and jump up. ;)
I actually had an "all him" night planned for last weekend- but was so exhausted from working and he seemed disinterested so I decided to wait until this weekend. He can't keep his hands off me- and that's distracting for me- so I bought handcuffs when I was in Ireland. LOL. I had tried tieing him up before and it didn't work because he worked his way out of them in about 3 seconds. Handcuffs should be more difficult to get out of. Then it can be all about him. We had htis funny HOOTERS and hotwings discussion, so I think I may turn up next weekend with some hotwings from Hooters for him.
But he sent me a message a bit ago he might be coming to LA next Saturday- very bad for us, because I'll be in Sacramento- and even if I came back- my Dad is here for the weekend.... yuck.
Oh, no, no! Although I am more verbal about my constant urges, we are on the same page in terms of desired frequency. I just want to talk about ooh I can't wait for the weekend, and he just wants to be quiet and then be really "busy" when we see each other.
No, it's not that he NEEDS me to be the aggressor. He just WANTS me to be, because in his eyes, he is the only intiator. I guess he feels that his minuite responses to my tentative come-ons ( which I don't think are tentative- I do exactly what he does to me...) should be cues for me to give him more attention; whereas I interpret them as a brush off. I guess I am a little sensitive to rejection.
You hit another topic for me... I can't orgasm by myself. Really, I have spent some dedicated unemployed hours in search of orgasm without boyfriend or battery-operated assistance and it just doens't happen. It feels nice... but even my imagination, or even pictures or porn... it just feels nice, that's it. Oral sex is pretty much it for me. If I have already climaxed and we go into woman on top, and I really focus, I can get another one. SIGH! I suffer from retarded orgasm.(But at least it happens someway!)
I did buy cuffs, and that's the plan for this weekend! I tried to tie him up before while giving him a back massage and he immediatly flipped me on the floor and tied me up instead. I know he wants it, but he won't LET me do it. Hence the cuffs. He can't untie those. The gag is a good idea. LOL.
As I said before.. have one, works great, we would use it on me early in our dating relationship before we have sex... don't wanna use it anymore, not as fun, it's distracting, feels liek a thrid person in the bed... fine for masturbating and he teases me about it, which is fun and funny, but... not interested in bringing it back inthe bed,
I just need to seize the day and cuff him to the bed.