I Feel Like I'm Doing Something Bad :'o(
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I Feel Like I'm Doing Something Bad :'o(
| Sun, 11-21-2004 - 5:02am |
Hi again. I have yet another question. I find it hard to get aroused. Since I was a virgin with very little sexual experience, and none for 2 years b4 when I got married. I kinda find it hard to let myself go. For 19 years I was always telling my boyfriend “no don’t do that, no you can’t touch that”. And now that I am married its okay to let my husband tough me and maker love to me. But as soon as he touches me I automatically say no. I find it very hard to let him touch me in a sexual way since I never really allowed it before. It hurts me so much that I just can let go! And I cry about it sometimes. How can I make myself understand that it’s okay for my husband to touch me, because he is my husband? I love it when he touches me. But when he asks me to touch him I have a very hard time and feel like I’m doing something wrong. He asked me to stroke him, and I automatically felt that I was doing something wrong. I became so upset that I started crying. He automatically though that he upset me. But I’m the one at fault. I want to get past this! How can I when my whole life I have been saying no? Please can someone Help me ASAP!? I’m getting really mad at myself. It’s not like I have all the time in the world to get past this. As you all know I am going to see my husband during Thanks Giving, and then its Goodbye for 18-24 months :o(

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I just want to go a little further into some of the changes you've experienced. You mentioned in a previous post that you once had a great sexual relationship when you were in your teens. That the two of you were most experimental and that the relationship had lots of lust happening.
When I asked you about it, you said something to the effect that you were just a crazy 18yo. I think at this point you really need to think about the changes that have happened to you since then. That crazy girl that you once were is who you need to be again. What is holding you back from being her? Have you any idea what the difference is between the two relationships? Have you had any religious teaching between then and now which may be effecting your attitudes to sex? Have you had any sexual trauma which hasn't been mentioned?
>>For 19 years I was always telling my boyfriend “no don’t do that, no you can’t touch that”. <<
One last question. You say that for 19 years you said "no". Is 19 years a typo? How old are you now?
I am 19 years old now. I got married 2 days b4 my 19th Birthday. :o)
With the past boyfriend, when I was 16, it was a lot of learning about myself and what boys look like :o). I don’t start dating until I was 15. I think a lot of then and now, is that I was 1.rebellious, and wanted to do everything my mother told me not to (While growing up, my mom and I fought every day, we still do) 2. It was only lust. I just did it because it made me feel good. Now I REALLY care about the other person, my husband. And 3. Every guy I had dated was just as much as inexperienced sexually as I was. So they had no expectations or past experiences to compare me to. And that made me much more comfortable. When it comes to my husband, he is 2 years and 6 months older then me, and has had 2 other partners. My past relationships we learned everything together. And with my husband, he has taught me everything. I rely on him on how to do things. And I really appreciate how understanding he is with me. He takes things very slow, and never pushes me to do ANYTHING.
Sorry, please don't think I'm being rude....but I still don't understand the huge change in your mindset over the last couple of years. Surely you can't have changed so much in 2 or 3 years?
Perhaps you could describe why you were sexually adventurous with your ex, but said "no" to your fiance? There must be more to it than rebellion.
I'm logging off now (it's 10pm here)....will talk more tomorrow.
<<<>>>
No! I don’t think your being rude at all! I really appreciate all your help!. What has changed: I grew up. I’m not a little kid anymore. I’m an adult that wants a family. I
appreciate everything now. B4 I was a selfish brat.
<<<>>>
I had given my Ex a few blowjobs. I hated doing it. And I felt forced. I only did it because he performed oral sex on my, and I felt that I owed him. I could never make him cum, so obviously I was not very good at it. :o) My husband has received oral from I think 4 other girls. He said that he really enjoys it. So how can I measure up to that? One night he asked me to after we made love and he had given me some oral action. I kept trying to lower my face to his penis, but I couldn’t make myself do it, and started to cry. I just can’t make myself do it. And I really want to be able to since I know he likes it so much.
I also was able to fondle my Ex. I had a VERY hard time doing this to my husband. As long as he has his hand on mine while I’m doing it, I’m okay. But if he takes his hand away, I stop. Maybe I was more free with my Ex because he was not very attractive and over wt. My husband is Very good looking, I thought he would be way out of my league. I love my husband more then life its self. I just don’t see why it is so hard for me to except that it is okay to be sexually open with him.
PS.
The Ex also broke my heart. After I told him that I would not have sex with him. He broke up with me. Maybe I’m also having a hard time that I gave my virginity to my husband, since I held on to it for so long? Could that be it too?
it honestly depends, and it varies with each person. sometimes my guy will go very quickly, then apologizes forever. but honestly, i'm okay w/ that since we're in a long distance relationship, it has been awhile ;-) then the next time will go for an hour, etc. then times in between. as for the going limp part, just start stroking him and he'll harden right back up. it's a common thing after so long the poor guy sometimes gets a lil limp, hehe. i really think w/ ure whole issue, that you need to become much more secure and confident in yourself. you need to trust your husband in the bedroom, that he is NOT comparing you. my SO had a few other partners before me, but it was one nite things so he wasn't what you could call very experienced anyway... but i lost my virginity to him. but i was completely comfortable w/ him. i had an ex for 5years who i had lots of time to 'practice other things' with, but i still was nervous. but he assured me i was doing great and loves everything i do to him, and vice versa. honestly it's about being open in the relationship. maybe u should start w/ the fondeling, oral, etc... before the sex. because foreplay is an essential part and that seems to be wut ure struggling with since u do have sex w/ him w/o the insecurities you have w/ the other things. just take things slow, jumping into things won't work. i also am having a hard time, like the other posters, regarding why there was this sudden change in only a couple years? did something else happen? if your ex broke your heart, i understand, but if you can get married after that and trust again, open your heart again, then why can't you in the bedroom? this is your husband, and you can be fun and reckless w/ him too.
<3cari
Let's think about everything you've said in your three posts here. When you were 16, you were rebellious, you wanted to do everything your Mother told you not to do, so you did. I'm sure your Mother told you not to have sex, and for very good reasons. She was trying to protect you......she didn't want you to have your heart broken, and she didn't want you to wind up pregnant and a single mother. Your Mother was a teenager not that long ago, and she KNOWS what bums young guys can be! That's what Mothers do, they TRY to protect their children. She was right, wasn't she? Your heart was broken by your first b/f. You did various sexual things with him....but you didn't LIKE doing them, you only did it to defy your Mother. That's sad....because if you'd listened to her, you would have waited for a good guy to come along.
However, THAT was in the past, and you can't change it, you can only learn from it. You say that you're an adult now. Anything that two consenting adults do sexually is NOT BAD. As long as they're adults, and they're consenting, there is NOTHING that is bad between two people. That's how you express your love and feelings for your partner, by pleasing them sexually. Your ex b/f was using you for sex, he had no feelings for you. Your husband loved you so much he married you, and now you're punishing HIM for what someone else did to you.
The fact that he was with 2 other women before you is NOT really much experience. But, even if he'd been with 50 women, it wouldn't make any difference, because that too was in the past, and has nothing to do with you, or your life now. And, having "experience" doesn't mean he has all the knowledge he needs to make a woman happy. Every woman is different....and every new partner is a new learning experience.
Your Mother told you sex was bad, and it WAS when you were 16. You are now a married woman, and sex is NOT bad.....it's intimate, and loving, and expresses your love for your husband. You have to start slowly. You have to think how much you love this man, and that you love every inch of his body, just as he loves you and your body. You have to remember that doing these things for him are NOT bad, they are one way you can make him feel loved, and make him happy. He sounds very understanding, and he's NOT going to push you, but you have to push yourself. You say you're an adult now, so you have to start thinking like an adult, not like the 16 year old child you were a few years ago. It might be uncomfortable for you in the beginning, but when you see how happy it makes him, it will make you want to do it more!
How long should sex last? Until it's done. Most women complain it doesn't last long enough. You say you reach a point that you can't go on? That's probably because you're dry....so at that point, get out the lube. You asked in another post how to make using lube "sexy"....well, it's hard to do that....just DO it. When it starts hurting, then get the tube, put a little on your fingers, and put it where you need it. You can do that without stopping anything, and without making a big production out of it.
The secret of having good sex for all of us is to stop thinking about EVERYTHING except the good feelings you're having, and the love you have for this man. If you're laying there thinking about how you USED to feel, it's not going to work. Put those thoughts out of your mind, and just ENJOY what he's doing to you, and enjoy what you can do to him in return. You're a married woman, so stop thinking about when you were a teen ager, doing things you didn't want to do.
Also, instead of fighting with your Mother, try to make friends with her. A girl's Mother can be her best friend. Hopefully, you realize now how smart your Mother is....you didn't when you were rebelling against her.
Relax, and enjoy your happiness....do NOT spoil it by dwelling on things in the past.
Hon, your posts are terribly contrdictory. In this post, you say that you felt forced to do sexual stuff with your ex. However, in the post http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlletstalkab&msg=15857.5 You say that you felt "free" when you were with the ex. Hon, you can't have it both ways.
However, what I'm really trying to get to the bottom of is: Why *exactly* did you fool around with your ex, but not your husband? What changed your mind about fooling around before marriage. Are there some religious teachings that you started to care about? Please don't tell me it was because you were rebellious at 16 - there must have been some thought process happen to change your attitude so dramatically.
I'm finding other anomalies. You say that your husband has had two other partners, but you've had no-one. However, you did fool around and gain experience with your ex. That counts.....you are not sexually innocent either. But now I can't tell if you were forced or free with the ex because you've told us two different versions.
I've got to be honest with you - with the amount of anomalies you are writing, and not answering specific questions - I'm finding it very hard to help you.
Perhaps seeing a sexual counsellor may be in order?
I apologize in advance if I am coming off as too blunt...
>>I grew up. I’m not a little kid anymore. I’m an adult that wants a family. I appreciate everything now. B4 I was a selfish brat.<<
Well, you didn't have a sexual problem before, you were able to give oral, fondle, etc... and now you have a problem with your husband... so did you really grow up? An adult who wants a family... you can't even handle intimacy yet, it's too early to think of a family.
>>I could never make him cum, so obviously I was not very good at it.<<
That isn't necessarily true. Some guys can't cum with just oral stimulation.
>>My husband has received oral from I think 4 other girls. He said that he really enjoys it. So how can I measure up to that? One night he asked me to after we made love and he had given me some oral action. I kept trying to lower my face to his penis, but I couldn’t make myself do it, and started to cry. I just can’t make myself do it.<<
You haven't even tried on him, how do you know you can't measure up to that? Even if you don't at first, then practice practice and more practice... At first, maybe give him some oral as part of foreplay, so you don't have to make him cum, he can finish off with intercourse. You don't have to go straight to his penis, kiss and lick other parts of his body first.
You asked about the duration of intercourse... it does vary greatly, but I think it's normal to feel sore after 10-15 minutes, especially you're new to intercourse. I was too when I start having intercourse. It'll get better. Lube might help.
I'm going to strongly suggest that you get some counselling with someone that specialises in relationships and sexual matters.
Like the other posters, I can't figure out why you have changed so completely. Do you feel that you don't deserve someone as good as your husband? Does that make you scared to touch him or to be active during sex incase you do something wrong or something that isn't good enough for him? Do you feel ashamed about yourself in any way? Do you feel pressured to be fantastic in bed because your husband is going away for so long?
You ARE sexually experienced from being with that b/f at 16 even if you didn't really enjoy yourself at the time. You've even spent some time working on BJ's with that b/f, so you're not competely clueless now that you're with your husband. Yet you claim tht you simply don't know what to do or can't bring yourself to do it.
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