I Feel Like I'm Doing Something Bad :'o(
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I Feel Like I'm Doing Something Bad :'o(
| Sun, 11-21-2004 - 5:02am |
Hi again. I have yet another question. I find it hard to get aroused. Since I was a virgin with very little sexual experience, and none for 2 years b4 when I got married. I kinda find it hard to let myself go. For 19 years I was always telling my boyfriend “no don’t do that, no you can’t touch that”. And now that I am married its okay to let my husband tough me and maker love to me. But as soon as he touches me I automatically say no. I find it very hard to let him touch me in a sexual way since I never really allowed it before. It hurts me so much that I just can let go! And I cry about it sometimes. How can I make myself understand that it’s okay for my husband to touch me, because he is my husband? I love it when he touches me. But when he asks me to touch him I have a very hard time and feel like I’m doing something wrong. He asked me to stroke him, and I automatically felt that I was doing something wrong. I became so upset that I started crying. He automatically though that he upset me. But I’m the one at fault. I want to get past this! How can I when my whole life I have been saying no? Please can someone Help me ASAP!? I’m getting really mad at myself. It’s not like I have all the time in the world to get past this. As you all know I am going to see my husband during Thanks Giving, and then its Goodbye for 18-24 months :o(

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I just wanted to add to rainbowbubble's comments.
She's dead right about not all men being able to orgasm via oral. Perhaps his communication skills were faulty - not your skills. Perhaps no amount of oral from any girl would make him orgasm.
With your husband and oral, be prepared for him to correct your technique. Refining your partner's technique is a standard part of sex, because we all like things differently. Don't take it personally.
I would also like to reiterate rainbowbubble's comments about you not being mature enough to start a family. Make sure you get your head straight and enjoy sex with no problems before you start a family.
I've just got one more comment to add. Going back to an old post you wrote, I'm still terribly concerned that you felt lust for your ex, but not for your husband. I know you love him, but lust is just as important. Lust isn't just a immature feeling felt by 16 year olds - it's part of what makes a great sexual relationship between husband and wife.
Married sex isn't just about sharing deep emotional feelings with each other - it's about desiring your partner in a carnal way too. I think that perhaps much of your reticence to have sex with your DH could be because you've married the wrong man. To have the makings of a good marriage, you need love, lust and trust. Unfortunately, it seems you've skipped the last two.....and I say that trust is missing because you don't trust him enough to let go during sex. You don't trust him to not compare you to his past partners.
I'm very concerned that you've got totally the wrong idea of what to expect from married sexual relations. I think that you're expecting your sex life to be good, despite not being sexually attracted to your husband. Hon, it's just not gonna happen.
Do you have shame or guilt because of you being sexually active as a teen, shame or guilt because your husband is more experienced to you, is there anything farther down in your past that is making you feel this way with your husband?
I thought about it last night. For the past 3 years I have become closer to God. I started viewing sex as dirty, wrong, and sinful. I want to be pure. I do feel very guilty in 2 ways. One that I was sexually adventurous with someone b4 my husband. I told my mom about it back then. And till this day she says how horrible I was for it. The other is that I feel bad that I am not as experienced as my husband. I feel that I can not give equally to a sexually relationship.
Hi, you have received really great adivice so far, I just wanted to add a little more. Sex does not have to be great from the start. There is a learning curve. It is about exploring eachother and learning about eachother. In the process, you will also learn a lot about yourself.
Unfortunately, because your time together is limited, it seems that you want to have great sex now. I dosent always work that way. Try to take your time. Try to enjoy eachothers bodies. Sometimes it is even fun to explore eachother without sex being a goal. Just go real slow and touch him everywhere. Ask him how it feels. Let him do the same for you. Great sex is a journey, there is no single destination.
As far as your religioius beliefs, I cant really help you but it certianly sounds like a factor. If you decide not to see a therapist maybe you can talk to your minister abut how to overcome this now that you are married.
Many people, expecially girls are taught that sex is wrong. I too spent years telling boys "no". It was really difficult learning that saying "yes" (and even enjoying it) is good. Again, you need to take your time.
Also, be sure to just enjoy being with your husband this Thanksgiving. Being together and enjoying your limited time together does not mean just having sex. Hold hands, hug, take a long walk together, whatever you like to do, maybe a bath or shower together. Sex is not the only way to enjoy eachother.
Have a great Thanksgiving.
Sex is NOT dirty, wrong or sinful.
Do you see how you are contradicting yourself? The two things that you feel guilty about are completely the opposite... 1. You've done sexual things with other men before. 2. You're not sexually experienced enough. So, ideally you want to be so "pure" that you've never been sexual with anyone before marriage and at the same time be very experienced in sex to pleasure your newly-wed husband..? Such a thing does not exist... your views are unrealistic and your ideas are illogical.
Are you sure that you're feeling guilty because you're less experienced than your husband? Or is the real issue that you wish he isn't experienced? Is it bothering you that he has had sex with other people? Well, I'm just guessing, at least it would sound more logical and less contradicting, if your real issue is his past.
Nothing wrong with being religious, but don't misinterpret it. Sex is not "dirty, wrong, and sinful", especially sex in a marriage, it is about loving, sharing, caring, pleasing each other, and all other wonderful things. You probably shouldn't have told your mom about your "sexual adventures"... but anyways, ignore her comments about how horrible you were and ask her to stop making such comments, because they're the past and are completely pointless now.
I could hug you right now. Thank you so much. I never really looked at it that way. Again, thank you...
You know I've had the opposite situation as you.
I was very religious before and my mom raised me to believe sex was for marriage. In the last couple years I've become very liberal and much more comfortable with sex. I was the "No you're not allowed to touch that"-girl. You have to come to understand yourself. Nobody, whatever knowledge or experience they have can help you with this. You have to look at yourself, look at who you love, look at what you want and admit it to yourself first. You see that there's something wrong. Now you have to see and try to understand WHY it's wrong. If you don't feel comfortable doing those things, there's a reason(s) why and you need to examine your life, those ideologies and where they came from.
When I realized that...I did something that I'm very happy I did.
I made a priority list. What and what mattered to me.
This is my list:
Myself- My mental and physical health is of upmost importance. Without those, there is nothing else for me to look forward to.
Family, Friends, Bf- I love these people and I want to be there for them always.
School- Achieving what I've set out to achieve will dictate my place in society later on.
Work- Supporting myself and my future financial stability is relevant in my life.
I'm 18, have a bf, have a job, have a bf, have a very close-knit christian family. You're life is different. You have to realize that you're the most important person in your life. Without you there is nothing and nobody you care for. So try hun, look at everything and question and probe into the truth. Then you have to set goals for yourself. If you want to go down on him you have to learn to seperate your emotions from your actions.
Discipline over emotion sometimes sets things straight.
Good luck sweetie. I know it's tough but when you've figured it out you'll see that it was only tough because it was supposed to be.
AMEN! i completely agree with that tish said here.
also, with your husband going to iraq, there's probably a lot more fear than he's just going away. he's going someplace dangerous, and you don't want to miss out on anything with the time you have. i'll definately keep you both in my thoughts as he travels.
i am also a religious/spiritual person. Sex is one of the loveliest gifts that God gave us. it is a very powerful gift that bonds people to each other, has the potential to create new life, and really roots us into who we are as individuals and in our communities. I have come into deeper personal knowledge and power as a sexually active individual than I ever was before. My husband and I share so much, and from that sharing (sexual and otherwise), i have learned about myself and my mission and place in this world. It is a great blessing.
I understand your fears about his experience over yours--don't think on it. I'm sure that you're husband doesn't. He loves you as you are, and right now that includes you dealing with your fear, shame, and frustration regarding sex. Honor that about him, too.
When you do have time together, just spend time. Don't worry about having sex, or reaching some goal. I want to echo the concept of just cuddling. My husband and i spend lots of time cuddling. I like to give him massages; i love to explore and touch his body and make him feel relaxed, safe, and happy. To him, this is the best aspect of our "sex life" and any given massage may not even involve intercourse. HOlding each other, telling each other how you feel, and just being quiet together are great ways to "begin" a sex life.
Also, when my husband and i became a committed couple (some 8 weeks after we met--we could have gotten married then, but didn't and started living together after three months), we were not having sex. We did not have vaginal intercourse for nearly two years. I had my issues (past sexual abuse experiences as a child), and he was more than willing to go my pace. He was happy to just spend time with me, making each other feel safe and loved, and then going from there to where-ever we wanted to go. I'm sure that your husband is the kind of man who is willing to do the same.
It's also ok to get councelling when you need it. it's always a good idea. most places work on a sliding scale, and there may be some available on the base for wives and family members of deployed soldiers. This will help you in many ways, not just in your sex life.
I wish you all the best! my thoughts and prayers are with you!
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