I Feel Like I'm Doing Something Bad :'o(
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I Feel Like I'm Doing Something Bad :'o(
| Sun, 11-21-2004 - 5:02am |
Hi again. I have yet another question. I find it hard to get aroused. Since I was a virgin with very little sexual experience, and none for 2 years b4 when I got married. I kinda find it hard to let myself go. For 19 years I was always telling my boyfriend “no don’t do that, no you can’t touch that”. And now that I am married its okay to let my husband tough me and maker love to me. But as soon as he touches me I automatically say no. I find it very hard to let him touch me in a sexual way since I never really allowed it before. It hurts me so much that I just can let go! And I cry about it sometimes. How can I make myself understand that it’s okay for my husband to touch me, because he is my husband? I love it when he touches me. But when he asks me to touch him I have a very hard time and feel like I’m doing something wrong. He asked me to stroke him, and I automatically felt that I was doing something wrong. I became so upset that I started crying. He automatically though that he upset me. But I’m the one at fault. I want to get past this! How can I when my whole life I have been saying no? Please can someone Help me ASAP!? I’m getting really mad at myself. It’s not like I have all the time in the world to get past this. As you all know I am going to see my husband during Thanks Giving, and then its Goodbye for 18-24 months :o(

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Sex is a beautiful thing, and especially in marriage, because now you have the full commitment of your lover. There is security in that, in a way that you don't have with newly dating, especially when you're really young. The bond and the trust can grow stonger and stronger over time. The intimacy you share can become deeper and richer. Under these circumstances, sex can be even more intense and passionate than you ever thought possible. :)
Others already covered that sex is not dirty. Sex is a real gift. God *ordained* (blessed) marriage. It's a covenant. That is a big deal..not many issues are actual ordinances of God, but marriage is one. God created sex. There is even scripture to support that mates shouldn't deprive each other sexually, but rather give of themselves openly and fully. One of the passages:
I Corinthians 7:2-5 (The apostle Paul giving marital laws) -
2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
See? Sex is good. It's one of the most binding, loving and intimate things that two people can share.
The other thing you worry about: You sound as if you're intimidated by your husband, that you think he is "better" than you. You say he's very good looking and that you're amazed you are the one he chose. He's more experienced in sex, you feel. In an earlier post, you said that in a way, you were more comfortable with the ex-bfs because they weren't as good-looking, they were as much a sexual novice as you were. You seem intimidated that your husband knows more about sex than you do. You defer to him for this reason: you say that he's like the teacher and you're like the student when it comes to sex.
This is important -- any time two people come together sexually, no matter how old or how experienced they are, they *both* have to consider themselves novices with a new person, because they aren't sexually experienced with *this* person. Each lover is different. Each lover has different needs, different desires, wants a different touch, etc. You and he started on equal ground, believe it or not. You *do* have a valid opinion in what turns you on and what you want in bed. Decide to break the student/teacher pattern you're in with your husband sexually, and approach each sexual experience with him as equals who are *learning each other's bodies* and still exploring the sexual potential in both of you. He's around age 21 or so...trust me, he is not the Master in the sexual department yet, either. He's got a lot to learn, too. In time, both of you will become incredibly more savvy about sex and pleasing each other than you are now. You'll be growing and learning all these things, together.
You are intimidated by performing fellatio because of inexperience. Trust me on this one: practice makes perfect!! Look at his reaction while you give. Watch his face. You can see how what you are doing is making him feel great. You follow his expressions, and that's how you become an expert at oral. Again, each man will be different in what pace, pressure, etc. feels good to *him*. You are "learning him" in this process. If you'd done 80 men this way in the past, you would still have to learn to give oral to your husband because he's an individual. Make sense?
Married sex is a huge adventure. It's a journey that takes you through many years of exploration and discovery. The two of you are only beginning. Part of becoming a true adult is the confidence that comes with knowing you are an equal (in and out of bed), and the confidence to express yourself in your own unique way. Just be genuine, and true to yourself. "Little girls" are pleasers that only do whatever somebody else thinks is best for them (even if it's a husband), and they wait to be told what to do and how to do it. "Women" know that there's a wonderful balance between pleasing and being pleased, and in expressing themselves as a person with valid thoughts and wishes. The sexiest characteristic a woman can have is not *experience*. The sexiest characteristic is *confidence*. Once you develop your confidence, you'll know how to feel your way through each sexual experience and open yourself up to your full sensuality. When this happens, you *will* be pleasing your husband, too. Any man will tell you....a woman who knows how to be fully expressive and confident in bed is the most sexy woman he could hope to have! :)
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