I hate this
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| Mon, 02-06-2006 - 7:20pm |
My boyfriend (22) and I (21) had sex together for the first time about 1 month ago, he was a virgin and I am SO uncomfortable with myself. And well... our sex is overall-very difficult/awkward. My dilemma seems to be that he can make me orgasm but he rarely finishes yet still wants to have sex 3-6 times in a night. I try to help him out; moving, moaning, squeezing, clenching-even with my best efforts he only orgasms about 1/3 (maybe even 1/4) of the time, this is making me feel worse about myself-I feel defective-thus more uncomfortable with sex in general-thus less responsive-thus worse in bed. I don't know what to do with myself, I feel like crap. Any ideas or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated.
P.s. he has been great about it-he tells me that it's not my fault, that it's ok etc. But it must be my fault and I don't feel ok about it
Edited 2/6/2006 7:25 pm ET by feeling_defective
Edited 2/6/2006 8:26 pm ET by feeling_defective

Guess what? He's right. It's not your fault. It's his. He's probaly concentrating too hard instead of relaxing.
If you're having sex 3-6 times per night and he's orgasming 1/3 to 1/4 the time, that's still once or twice per night. Is that what you're saying? If so, he's normal. Even for a 22-year-old male, two orgasms in a night is not problematic. A man's orgasm is based on a fluid release and if his fluids aren't recharged then it's not going to happen. It's not like it is for you. Not having even one orgasm in a night of sex is most likely due to his mental state.
The most important thing is that you both relax and become comfortable together. You have put pressure on yourselves. I think what you have here is inexperience more than anything else. 22 is a little later than average for a guy to start. Try to imagine all the time he has spent thinking about it, masturbating, and imagining what it might be like. Now he's finally there and it's probably surreal to him.
I had sex for the first time at 17 and did not orgasm. It was devastating to me. I wasn't nervous, but I was very FOCUSED. And, it just didn't happen. The next time, a year later, was totally different and I've never had another problem. After a while I realized it was all about my mental state. I've learned that the best way to prevent an orgasm is to focus on having one. He needs to relax and try focusing on giving you pleasure, and then it will sneak up on him. There can be physical issues, but since he is orgasming as you say I doubt that's the case.
I think it would help if the two of you had a very open conversation. I can tell you, as a healthy adult male, the most intense feelings come when I am pleasing my partner. If he (and you) get off the subject of his orgasms it might help. Tell him what you would like him to do to you. Be sincere. Share fantasies with him. Don't fake it. Your uneasiness is building more pressure for him. He's probably really upset about this. You've got to make it fun. Take turns being in command. Both of you might try to not think of the point of sex being orgasm. Instead, enjoy the process. The voyage not the destination. If he stops thinking about his orgasms and instead puts his energy into making you feel good it will probably change things dramatically for him.
He tells you it's not your fault and he is right.
thanks to the two above for the replies. Yes I am quite inexperienced and as I said he was a virgin. I've tried not to make it obvious to him that it's bothering me this much (I'm diagnosed OCD/BPD) so I know that I can be irrational and well, obsess about things a lot, I've only mentioned it to him once and only because he made reference to it. I just feel like an ass when he asks me if I'm "done"(most often the answer is yes)-then tries a little longer-doesn't finish-then stops. I'm sure that I'm being ridiculous but I feel like he is just going through the motions or something. And I know that my insecurities are upsetting to him but that can't change the fact that to me they ARE real concerns, I am really screwed up and I apologize if this seems trivial and/or ridiculous to everyone here. I'm going to try hard to just not worry about it.
Thanks again
Honestly if he wants sex 3-6 times a night then he must be enjoying it. He's clearly coming back for more and if he feels bad, it's probably because he can't read you more clearly and nothing to do about his enjoyment or lack there-of.
I think that you've gotten yourself worried about nothing and are in a vicious little circle. It may be easy to say, but stop worrying about yours or his performance and enjoyment so much - in a nutshell - relax! If it was as bad as you think it was he'd be rolling over, avoiding sex and going to sleep!
Some day when you have more experience, you'll find out that this can happen to guys occasionally, even when they're not virgins. In his case, he's NERVOUS, and he's trying to please you. He IS pleasing you. You aren't "defective" because this has nothing to do with you. You have nothing to do with bringing a man to his climax. He does that (or doesn't do that) all on his own. If he wasn't enjoying it, he wouldn't want a repeat performance. He was a virgin, which means he's used to "solo" sex....and being with a woman is a very different thing, and it will take him a while to get used to it, and be less uptight about it.
You worrying about it will do nothing to help him, and if he knows you're worrying about it, he'll think you're not happy with him, and that will make it even worse for him. Enjoy it, and allow him to enjoy it at his own pace!