the (I) issue
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the (I) issue
| Mon, 01-16-2006 - 2:55am |
i think my DW should of been a man! at least in her sexual need or style,(i don't know if i'm phasing this right) what i'm trying to say is she likes it hard and fast and to hurry up and cum.There's sometimes a little oral before hand but once we get to the main coarse it's hard and fast,which is fine from time to time but not everytime.And in this point in our marriage i would like to slow it down a little and enjoy ourselfs( maybe little like a gourmet dish) i have tried to bring the matter up,but she doesn't say nothing or side steps it.She has said one time,that she gets bored if sex goes on for too long maybe this is the reason she won't talk about it and whats that suppose to mean anyway?( i'm i that bad in bed? i wouldn't think so,she orgasms almost 99% of the time)maybe it's like a conditioning from having kids around the house for all these yrs or something like that? so what do you think? and has anyone else seen this issue for themselves?..it's making sex for me somewhat predicable and boring.

>>She has said one time,that she gets bored if sex goes on for too long maybe this is the reason she won't talk about it and whats that suppose to mean anyway?<<
I can't think of any other way to phrase this so I'll try to explain it at length instead.
(For me) The first 5 mins or so are amazing. The next 5 mins or so are pretty good. But after that I just get tired, bored and sore. While he's humping away, I'll be noticing the dirt on the ceiling fan or planning tomorrow night's dinner. Sure, we can switch positions, but then I'll just notice dust on the side table LOL.
Thankfully my DH rarely lasts more than 10 mins so this is rarely an issue for me. Because it's short and sweet, it's always great from beginning to end.
In your situation, compromise is the way to go. However, it's important to start with with a compromise that's do-able for both of you. If you're wanting to go for half an hour and she wants 5 mins, then you will both have to learn to meet mid-way. Perhaps 10 mins?
This is something you have to talk to her about. Not in the bedroom. Outside the bedroom, when you can take the time to explain to her how you're feeling, and tell her the things you've told us.
Having kids around can "condition" a person, and can also make them TIRED, and just want to get to sleep. Maybe you need to work on being more romantic out of the bedroom, and/or maybe take her away for a night, or a week-end.
We all have our preferences, but we also learn to compromise to make our partner happy. That's what marriage and relationships are all about. Compromise, and caring about our partners needs and desires. The fact that she has orgasms all the time does't really mean anything other than she knows how to have them quickly and easily. A woman's orgasms aren't really a reflection of her partner's abilities. If she never had one, it wouldn't mean you were a lousy lover, only that she isn't orgasmic.
Get some communication going about how you're feeling, and hopefully she'll understand. I wouldn't want to hear that my husband was getting "bored", that's for sure. Don't make "accusations", but requests. Don't tell he what she's doing wrong, but tell her what you would LIKE her to do, what would make YOU feel good. Communication is the key to a good relationship, in or out of the bedroom.
There could be several reasons why she prefers sex this way. She very well may have trained herself to enjoy fast sex after becoming a mother, she could actually be faking orgasm and want sex over quickly for that reason, or she may have a very short attention span which is why prolonged lovemaking is boring for her.
Whatever the reason or reasons though, she still needs to consider YOUR needs when it comes to your mutual sex life. No partner should assume that THEIR needs or desires will always take precedence over the other's. Not unless he or she wants to cause conflict and problems, that is.
Talk with her again, ask her if you could do anything to make sex more exciting for her. Explain that having sex one way is boring for YOU, too!
But in order to meet both your needs and satisfy your desire for lovemaking, she needs to be able to compromise.
Hopefully, she'll be willing to hear you this time and try and accomodate you.
Sounds like a little give and take needs to take place here. I agree with talking to her about it outside of the bdroom. A real discussion where you tell her how you're feeling.
This, by the way, does not mean you are boring in this area after the first 10 minutes. Perhaps it means she is. Not saying she is, but maybe she isn't open to the "whole" experience. I have small children in the home. The wham-bam takes place often and I can O in a short interlude (LOL) if time is a factor, but I can also slow down, breath and enjoy a longer session of love making, enjoying the sights and sounds, if you will, the touch and tap into that deep sensually slow, sometimes playful, time too. It could be that it's been so long that she's done that, that she just doesn't know how to "tap" back in to that form of love making.
I must say there can be a time when it is just "beige". You know, looking at the ceiling thinking, I'm going to paint this room beige. It's happened to me before. When the time is taken to reflect on why, I realize I usually have too many irons in the fire and although they aren't what I'm thinking about, my mind is use to working on or concentrating on more than one thing at a time and I'm not shutting it down. Therefore I am making love and redecorating at the same time.
Perhaps slowing things in life down a bit for her, make sure she has relaxation time to herself without a laptop, cell phone, etc. such as a hot soaking bath with candles and relaxing music (by herself), maybe running a few errands she usually does thru the week. Maybe if she can slow down a bit, get a little off her mind, she will be more apt or open to slow moving at first and finishing up with her hot and heavy, deep, hard and fast.
Women, in my experience, can not just shut off the day and make love. They can't just turn it off and turn it on, make sense? If she's running all day she's in a running mode and it may be overlapping into your sex life.
Hope that makes sense to you and helps.
I agree with Dakine - be persistent in getting her to talk about it. As a female who loves to be in bed with a man, I have a few suggestions:
IMO touch and time are the two greatest gifts one human can give another. Try to introduce (or reintroduce) more touching in addition to more "together" time, both without "sex".
Touching: Rub her back/shoulders; trace her neck up to her ears, over her shoulders and up/under/over her chin. feather one finger up her arm, over her hand and around her fingers. When hugging her grip her butt then gently move your hands down her thighs. Again, touch her solely to touch - not to initiate any sexual act.
Time: Sit with her, walk with her, holding hands, glazing into her eyes, talking WITH her, not TO her. Suggest the two of you just be together doing nothing, but be together. I know with a family, this may be difficult, but it doesn't have to happen every day.
If hard & fast is always how she's had sex, then none of this may work. However, if she use to enjoy slow, erotic sex then it seems to me that she needs to remember how to enjoy her body. Good luck!