I love her, but cant get over her past
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| Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:04pm |
Well me and my gf finally had the talk late sat. night about each others sexual past. We were at a party, got drunk came home had sex and then spent the night talking. I dont really remember who the subject came up, but it did.
So she has been with 8 people before me. I kinda think thats alot, but what can you do. What really bothers me is that 3 of the 8 people she still see on a daily basis.
One guy works at the hospital with her
One is the coach for her womans softball team
And the other guy's family is close friends with hers and also bar tends at a bar she/we sometimes go to.
I never had a problem with any of these guys before, but now I know when I see them, all I'm going to think about is that my gf slept with them.
It been racing through my mind ever since we talked about it.
And she knows its bothering me b/c she could tell I havent been myself. When i told her she started crying. She said she loves me soo much and i love her sooo much to. I just dont know what to do now.
This is eating at me inside sooo F****** bad.
How can I get over someones past?
I've been all messed up in the head the past couple days since me and my gf talked about our sexual pasts. I havent been eating, feeling nauseous, heart broken and depressed.
I love this girl so much. Of all the people I have been in a relationship she is the one and she feels the same way.
This driving me crazy and I dont want it to damage our realtionship.
Its hard.
All the time I'm around them I think how she was with them.
Then I start wondering all these diff things.
Like was she the same way in bed with them as she was with me?
They know what my gf is like in bed
They know what she looks like naked
etc etc
its like what should be intimate between me and her these other guys now. And the one's I dont know or will probably never see doesnt bother me
It the ones that I do see that do

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Listen buddy, I totally feel for you and sympathise.
Earlier this morning, I gave my opinion to a woman who was still lusting after her ex, only with her, I was saying what I'm about to say as a criticism of her personality. With you mate, I'm going to say this as words of encouragement to you.
I don't know whether she was just a lover or in a relationship with those guys, but whatever the case, there is a reason why those guys are ex-lovers or ex-boyfriends, with EX being the key word. IT'S BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER!!!
Trust me, if she was sexually dissatisfied with you, and thinking about how someone else was better, then she'd leave you for them. Has she? NO.
If you're into each other as much as you say you are, she's probably not even thinking of anyone else, you're probably not only her BEST ever but her ONLY lover ever. And for you, it should be the same. Can you honestly say that she's the best sex you've ever had? You should be saying that to yourself, the roads go both ways.
Talking of roads going both ways, have you considered that she's having similar thoughts but hiding them better? Is there a chance that she's thinking of women you've been with, picturing you naked with other women and wondering how SHE compares with them? You may both be in the same boat.
I know it's an uncomfortable situation but the best thing you can now do is:
-firstly, tell each other how great you are, and how you're both the greatest you've ever had.
-secondly, agree to scrub the past from the records, in other words, THERE IS NO PAST. You are the only lovers you've had.
-thirdly, most importantly, NEVER bring it up again.
And just one final thought to leave you with, to make you feel better, SHE'S WITH YOU NOW and therefore logically, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THOSE OTHER GUYS.
Keep positive man and good luck with your relationship.
I can solve all of life's problems by asking myself a simple question: What would Stone Cold Steve Austin do in this particular situation?
What about your past? Did you share your numbers with her that night? Do you see or work with any of your past lovers?
I can understand, somewhat, your anxiety about the men she still sees regularly but it just makes sense that she would likely form relationships with people she sees or works with. But she didn't belong to you then or now. She's a grown woman with a past. Just like you.
While it's not reasonable to expect her to give up her job to avoid a past lover, you two need to talk about this and find a way to ease your mind. You WILL have to forgive her for being human though otherwise, you could be accused of being hypocritical. Learn to accept the woman you love, warts in all. That's what it's all about, isn't it?
Unless her past involves children or an STD, it's none of your business, whether it's 8 or 80 men.
All you're going to show her with this attitude is that you're insecure/jealous, which will make you look weak. Not one of the more shining characteristics you'll want to display.
Here is the problem with discussing sexual pasts.
paguy,
I haven't read the other replies, so I may be redundant here. But really, you have only two choices here: 1) end the relationship 2) let it go.
I've said this before, but it bears saying again. Most problems that we have are problems of perception or rather misfiling. There are two files in our minds, one file is "things I can do something about" and the second file is "Things I can do NOTHING about"....the problem lies with the fact that you have misfiled "her past" in the "THings I can do something about" file....you can no more do anything about her past than you can about yours.
rather than focusing on her past and what others think (another route to insanity) focus on what needs are being expressed by your emotions. My guess is that you have a need for reassurance that she loves you and that she is exclusively seeing you, and you have a need for security ("is she likely to start seeing one of these guys again, leaving me heartbroken"). OFten times these needs manifest as jealousy, fear (of being compared to an old lover), and anger.
Take some time with this, communicate your feelings to her without blaming. Her past has nothing to do with how your are feeling...you are feeling this way because of your perception of this event.
Good luck.
Scott.
PS - You now know that discussion of old lovers is outside your personal boundries...remember this in the future and refrain from discussing these topics.
I really sympathised with pa guy and that's why I gave him some words of encouragement in my reply, the 3rd post on this subject. Other's seem to have been slightly more critical of him, but everyone makes some really valid points.
My only crtique of other people's relies, is that everyone seems to think it's totally ridiculous that he's worried about being compared to a former lover. Well, let me say from my opinion and the opinions of many guys all over the world, it's not all that ridiculous.
Let's face it, we've all told everyone we've ever been with, "Oh you're the best I've ever had" haven't we? Only the thing is, we can all only have 1 'best ever'. I think that this guy is probably worried, like a lot of guys, that anything complementary she says to him, she may have said to other guys before. It's as if he's worried that she's saying, "Oh you're the best ever (but really, though you are very good, I've actually had better but I want YOU to feel like the best because I'm with YOU now)", that kind of thing.
Also, it's often well documented that sex is more physical for men and emotional for women. I'm lucky in my marriage, for us, we're both the best in every department. However, consider pa guy's situation:
His girl may be thinking to herself, "Well, the sex with this one guy was physically more satisfying, but emotionally, I feel connected to YOU like I've done with no other man before." In this case, though she's happy in the most important aspect from HER point of view, that won't mean cr/ap to him, HE wants to know that he gives her the number one PHYSICAL satisfaction as well.
I can honestly say that the sex I have with my wife is the best EMOTIONALLY I've ever had, but I do from time to time reassure her that she's also the best PHYSICALLY I've ever had, because I know that she knows that that is most important to me as a guy.
Finally, it's a male fear that you're being compared to a former lover. Mostly, we accpet that most women don't do this. However, if pa guy is a regular visitor to these boards, he's probably read numerous cases of women who are still yearning for a former lover, sometimes even when they're happily married with kids. Proof that women do think this sometimes.
Let's face it, his fears are probably going to come to nothing, but his fears are very typically male, and like all males, he just simply wants to know that he's the best in EVERY department.
I can solve all of life's problems by asking myself a simple question: What would Stone Cold Steve Austin do in this particular situation?
mrcurious,
I think you're right. The feelings and perceptions the OP are having are typical. However, what he fears is "what she thinks"...Guess what? He will NEVER know what she thinks...EVER. The surest way to lose your mind is to continually try to figure out what another thinks...never gonna happen...ever. So he has only two options, let it go or move on. If he moves on though, who will he move on to? He will never find a partner whose thoughts he will completely know.
THe problem that he is having is inside himself and not outside himself. It has nothing to do with another person. It has to do with his perception of himself and the event. If he completely understands this and can completely accept it that he is COMPLETELY responsible for this situation, he will transcend it...if, however, he allows himself to believe that this is about her past he can never get past this and no matter what woman he's with he will have this same issue in one form or the other.
When I say that he's responsible for the situation, I do not mean to say that this is his fault, only that he is the only one that can "fix" this...being responsible, just means that he is able to respond to this situation. He is the only one.
If he focuses on his needs and feelings, rather than what he perceives to be her "wrongness" will allow him to overcome this.
Peace.
Scott.
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