I love her, but cant get over her past

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
I love her, but cant get over her past
27
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:04pm

Well me and my gf finally had the talk late sat. night about each others sexual past. We were at a party, got drunk came home had sex and then spent the night talking. I dont really remember who the subject came up, but it did.

So she has been with 8 people before me. I kinda think thats alot, but what can you do. What really bothers me is that 3 of the 8 people she still see on a daily basis.

One guy works at the hospital with her

One is the coach for her womans softball team

And the other guy's family is close friends with hers and also bar tends at a bar she/we sometimes go to.

I never had a problem with any of these guys before, but now I know when I see them, all I'm going to think about is that my gf slept with them.

It been racing through my mind ever since we talked about it.

And she knows its bothering me b/c she could tell I havent been myself. When i told her she started crying. She said she loves me soo much and i love her sooo much to. I just dont know what to do now.

This is eating at me inside sooo F****** bad.

How can I get over someones past?

I've been all messed up in the head the past couple days since me and my gf talked about our sexual pasts. I havent been eating, feeling nauseous, heart broken and depressed.

I love this girl so much. Of all the people I have been in a relationship she is the one and she feels the same way.

This driving me crazy and I dont want it to damage our realtionship.
Its hard.

All the time I'm around them I think how she was with them.

Then I start wondering all these diff things.

Like was she the same way in bed with them as she was with me?

They know what my gf is like in bed

They know what she looks like naked

etc etc

its like what should be intimate between me and her these other guys now. And the one's I dont know or will probably never see doesnt bother me

It the ones that I do see that do

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 10:10am
I think you're stereotyping and generalizing men and women. When my husband tells me that I'm the best that he's had, I believe him. He tells me I'm the best because I'm adventerous, I'm passionate, and most importantly its because I genuinely love him. He says that's what makes sex fantastic. I can tell him he's the best because he truly is. He's the only I've ever had, making him the best. I think you are just coddling this boy instead of telling him that he needs to leave it be. He has a past too. You don't see his girlfriend on here crying her eyes out and making herself sick because her boyfriend had a past before her. He shouldn't have asked. He obviously can't handle honesty. Why should he care that these guys from her PAST have seen her in the PAST? He has her now and that's more important. NOW is more important than the PAST. We've all had pasts. Tish said it excellently. I won't repeat her because you're capable of reading.
Its a complete assumption that men and women lie in bed while having sex and compare notes about exes when sleeping with a current significant other. Why bother making love if you're sitting there with your mind elsewhere. Don't feed this guy's fears. He needs to buck up and get over it. He's going to lose his girl if he holds it over her head like a rain cloud. I'd leave him too if he's going to do that. My advice, he should watch Chasing Amy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 10:11am

OK, I've tried my hardest to stick up for pa guy as much as possible, to give him some words of encouragement and to try and show why he thinks the way he does, but a lot of people are very critical of him, some with good reason though.

I think the absolute most simple way to try and solve this is for HER to do something. It sounds to me as if he's an insecure person, but he shouldn't be attacked for that, that's his character and he can't help it, we don't know what's happened in his life to make him that way. Let's also bear in mind that we don't ever hear why HIS former lovers stopped seeing him, could they have cheated?

If he's insecure, he's also likely to be easily reassured. All it needs for his woman to sit him down and say to him, "Pa guy (I know it's not his real name!), yes, I slept with the softball coach, yes I slept with the guy from hospital, yes I slept with the bartender and yes, I've slept with 5 other people, but you need to know that they are NOTHING compared to you. The sex I had with them is not even in the same league as what I have with YOU. YOU are my greatest lover ever and I mean that from the bottom of my heart."

I bet you that would do the trick. However, if she can't safely say he's the best she's ever had, then nobody should be criticising him because his fears are actually true!

If she doesn't feel he's the best, then hanging around these guys is acutally quite disrespectful to him, she wouldn't like it the other way around.

Because they're so in love, this CAN be easy to solve, they both need to just take each other's personalities into account and give the other what they want.

I can solve all of life's problems by asking myself a simple question:  What would Stone Cold Steve Austin do in this particular situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 10:28am
She did tell him something close to what you said he ought to say. He didn't listen. He keeps doing this to himself. How many times does she have to repeat herself before he finally stops? How many times of does she have to repeat herself before she gets fed up and leaves? He posted that she tried to reassure him, but he can't get over it. She did her job.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 11:38am

Mr.c

I'm not being "hard" on him. Everyone has been insecure at one point or the other in their lives. I have compassion for that and yes there could be many reasons for him to feel the way he does...in fact, I am sure that there are. What I'm saying is that his thoughts created this and so he has to take care of it. His girlfriend has told him that he is great and attempted to reassure him. Basically he doesn't believe her because he has an image of himself in his mind that will not allow for anything else.

Our thoughts create our reality. His fear of being second best, of being judged and eventually of being left, will happen...not because of her past, but because he has created it in his mind and his jealousy and insecurity will cause her to leave. And if he doesn't learn to shift from this, he will go from one relationship to the next and ALL of them will be the same even though he is with different women. Then he'll ask himself: "Why do I always end up in relationships like this? Why are all women like this?" Of course the answer is that the women are all different, but what is the same? Him. His thoughts have not changed.

THese websites are FILLED with men and women that go from one bad relationship to the next. Look at all the women that watched their mothers get beat up by their fathers and then spend a majority of their lives searching out and finding the same kind of jerk that married their mothers and then wonder why "all" men are abusive. All men are not abusive, only the ones that you choose to support your belief that being loved means having the "squash" knocked out of you.

You want to change your world, change your thoughts. Everything is a choice, even if it is an unconcious choice. He needs (like most of us) to learn to make his choices consciously.

Peace.
SCott.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 4:45pm

I wasn't criticizing anything the OP was doing other than his DWELLING on her past. I acknowledged and sympathized with his insecurity when it comes to her past lovers. But it's just not productive or positive to dwell on what he can't change, whether we can understand the insecurity or not.

His time and energy would be better spent attempting to change that way of thinking, if he wants to keep this woman in his life. The way he's going though, it's not going to happen.

And no, women aren't just emotional about sex and men aren't just physically oriented. My DH is much more romantic and sentimental than I have ever been. And the fact remains that if there is love involved, then that partner WILL be the best you've ever had and no reassurance will be necessary.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Thu, 05-26-2005 - 7:39pm

I agree with Kat on this one.

When I had met my DH, he had had more partners than I had. I had never had intercourse, he had. I had no experience, he had plenty. That irritated me and it killed me. I felt inadequate and inexperienced compared to his ways. But, then he explained to me that I was the best lover he has had despite my inexperience. He said my sense of adventure, my attentiveness, and the amazing amount of passion (*flips hair* I am a Leo which makes me the most passionate of the Zodiac) is what makes me the BEST lover he's ever had. That and the fact that I love him and I care about him. He said that and the fact that I am tailored to him and know only him makes me an even more amazing lover.

So, I agree. Women aren't the only creatures that associate emotion with sex. Men do too. I think I mentioned something about him generalizing and stereotyping. Maybe he sees sex for the physicality of it all, but other men don't. I know my husband enjoys the bond that only we two share when we make love. Its incredible.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 12:27am
" I am a Leo and that makes me the most passionate of the Zodiac." Well, gee, I always thought that was Scorpios! LOL!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 1:57am

"IT'S BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER!!!"

Sorry, I see this is as incomplete or faulty logic. What you say maybe true or one of her EXes may have been good looking, rich, funny, well-endowed, etc. But the guy simply didn't want her. Given the option, she may not have wanted to break up with him.

I'm not saying this is true, just pointing out that your statement can't always be true.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 2:11am

Well unlike other posters I don't care how people choose partners. If a man thinks a woman has had too many partners and doesn't want her because of it, fine by me. Eveyone has to make their own choices based on what makes sense to them and what makes them feel most comfortable.

The real mistake here is if you knew something like this would bother you, you should have asked up front or not asked at all.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:23am

But its perfectly ok for a man to have "too many partners" and the woman has to get over it?

Double standard.