I love her, but cant get over her past

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2005
I love her, but cant get over her past
27
Tue, 05-24-2005 - 1:04pm

Well me and my gf finally had the talk late sat. night about each others sexual past. We were at a party, got drunk came home had sex and then spent the night talking. I dont really remember who the subject came up, but it did.

So she has been with 8 people before me. I kinda think thats alot, but what can you do. What really bothers me is that 3 of the 8 people she still see on a daily basis.

One guy works at the hospital with her

One is the coach for her womans softball team

And the other guy's family is close friends with hers and also bar tends at a bar she/we sometimes go to.

I never had a problem with any of these guys before, but now I know when I see them, all I'm going to think about is that my gf slept with them.

It been racing through my mind ever since we talked about it.

And she knows its bothering me b/c she could tell I havent been myself. When i told her she started crying. She said she loves me soo much and i love her sooo much to. I just dont know what to do now.

This is eating at me inside sooo F****** bad.

How can I get over someones past?

I've been all messed up in the head the past couple days since me and my gf talked about our sexual pasts. I havent been eating, feeling nauseous, heart broken and depressed.

I love this girl so much. Of all the people I have been in a relationship she is the one and she feels the same way.

This driving me crazy and I dont want it to damage our realtionship.
Its hard.

All the time I'm around them I think how she was with them.

Then I start wondering all these diff things.

Like was she the same way in bed with them as she was with me?

They know what my gf is like in bed

They know what she looks like naked

etc etc

its like what should be intimate between me and her these other guys now. And the one's I dont know or will probably never see doesnt bother me

It the ones that I do see that do

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:25am

Nope, its me! *LOL* I am the most passionate woman in the universe and nobody can surpass my passion, beauty, and bedroom talents.

*big grin* Can you tell I'm having a good self-esteem day?

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 10:42am

Yes, but that's what most of the replies said. He can either live with the information or he can't, whether he's being hypocritical or not, but he needs to break it off rather than torture her with it. If he cares enough, though, he should make the effort to change that thinking.

And his GF gets to make the same choices.




Edited 5/27/2005 10:45 am ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 11:08am
You're making assumptions. Where did I talk about the man having too many partners or the woman having to get over anything? I mentioned people having to make choices and made a specific reference to this particular situtation.
Women can choose to date whoever they want for whatever reason they want, just as men can.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 12:26pm

"Sorry, I see this is as incomplete or faulty logic. What you say maybe true or one of her EXes may have been good looking, rich, funny, well-endowed, etc. But the guy simply didn't want her. Given the option, she may not have wanted to break up with him."

And you made an assumption there. You assumed that her exes didn't want her when it could have been a whole grocery bag of reasons. You said that it wasn't a true statement, but it doesn't come off that way.

You also made reference to if he didn't like the fact that she had had multiple partners, then he should just leave her. What if the tables were turned and his girlfriend was in the position he is in now? Would you tell her that he's a man and allowed to have multiple partners? Or would you tell her to get over it like everyone is telling him to do? I'm curious to know.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2004
Fri, 05-27-2005 - 4:00pm

I did not come to the same conclusion you did. For reference, the original line was this: "IT'S BECAUSE THEY WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH FOR HER!!!".

If you want to make a point about assumptions, you should have flagged this immeadiately. I'm not saying it isn't true. I'm just saying the poster is assuming that all these men wanted her, but she decided to move on. This may or may not be the case.

If you reread my first post, I think you'll find I'm less interested in situation of the OP, but, rather, using their scenerio as a backdrop to discuss what, I feel, was an inaccurate statement. I don't believe I made any assumptions in my first post. I was, merely, suggesting there could be another reason why she is no longer with these men. The statment I'm quoting doesn't offer that.

To your second point. I thought I covered this as well. So, I'll be specific to your case and then more general. Yes, if a woman approached me with a similar situation, I'd tell her to leave. Why continue to do something that bothers you? What's the point?

I believe that any person ( man or woman ) has the right to choose people for whatever reason they choose. Who am I to say differently? If a woman doesn't want me because she doesn't like my name, the type of socks that I wear, the number of partners I've had, or the lack of partners I've had, then that's her right.

Having a level of comfort with someone is important to me. If I'm uncomfortable with someone then the sooner I know ther better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2004
Sat, 06-04-2005 - 9:25pm
Insecurities are a terrible thing..but what is it hes really insecure about?..its not that he may not be her best lover, but the fact that someone else has enjoyed what he now holds sacred.
Been there...He needs to put things in perspective..
I believe that sex should be reserved mostly for people you have relationships with, but there are millions who dont think that way....There are ,what, 6 BILLION people on earth?..Sex is a very natural thing..like eating and sleeping...There have been billions and billions and billions acts of sex in human history..Sex is not that big of deal in the scope of things..He should think of it this way..she was just practicing till she found "the one" and hes it..He should embrace the fact that she chose him over billions of other choices.Hes not her first but he very well be her last...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sun, 06-05-2005 - 9:36pm

I think you have done a good job keeping this board and thread active. You have pushed several sensitive buttons on several people which have tried to help you.

You have a lot of people that have tried several different ways to help you deal with this issue. There are several sayings which could be used:

Pot Calling the Kettle Black!!!

We have met the enemy and he is us!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Start the change with the man in the mirror!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

You have to want to change!!!!!!!!!!!

It sounds like you have a normal, healthy, confidant, amazingly honest woman, that loves you very much and you may lose her. (most normal healthy women will have a past and many will have a past similar to her's) She has been more honest with you than most women would be. She is a real treasure. You should treasure her.

If you are serious........YES......YOU NEED SOME PROFESSIONAL HELP.

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