I Need ADVICE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
I Need ADVICE!
6
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 1:26pm

Hello,

I've been seeing this guy off and on for 2 years now. I'm very attracted to him and he is to me. We use to have sex multiple times a day, but he sex drive has gone way below normal for at least 4-5 months now. We’re a younger couple, I expected this kind of stuff when we get older but were only 19-20. He doesn’t have long stressful days or anything because right now he is unemployed and I supporting us. Were both students, and it is the summer term now. So I don’t know what is wrong.

He just not as hot for me anymore or something. Like when we have sex, he orgasms a lot faster then me now… Most of the time it long enough for him to get off and enough to make me want it more. Before we could go for hours and he would give me multiple orgasms, the sex was great. 4-play was great!

But now he barely ever touches me, he never performs oral he doesn’t even do I make out session. I’ve tried to tell him I need more stimulation before hand. But he just rubs my clit and bit and lubes up. Whenever I ask for something after he is finish he says he is tired and that he juices are in there, and tell me to shower and douche before he will do it.

Now I thought buying a sex toy would help, but since then he seems to care less about turning me on, and more about his own pleasure. It makes me feel like he has given up on trying and left the job to the toy. I ask him to use the toy on me and it the same response “I’ll do it later,” or “I’m tired.” When he says later after he come to bed, he never in the mood in the afternoons anymore it always in the evening an hour or less before we go to bed, before I have to get up early for work.

What gets me though, is he says it is because he is older and he just not as young anymore and that why he not in the mood or having it with me as often. Or that he put on a little weight and that affects it. Which I can understand, but when he is home he masturbates 3-4 times, and asks me for oral at least 3 times after I get home. I work a 7 hour work day 5 days a week, and I tell him, I’m tired when I get home but give me and hour and I will be refreshed enough.

I have no idea what to do, but I can’t keep handling it anymore my body is deprived! I feel like it is my fault.

Can anyone help me? Thank you for any advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2007
In reply to: reaspade
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 2:50pm

The weight, the unemployment, sure those will affect it. But in the end, it just sounds like he has retreated from you & doesn't care to give to you anymore.

Is he even looking for a Summer job? I know it's August already, but what does he do all day? He could be depressed.

As for the I'm Older now ... bah humbug ... that's no excuse, at 20?!?! So, what, at 30 you'll be down to once a month? Once a year?

I wouldn't say it's your fault at all. Unless maybe if you go home & berate him for not working? Or do you mention that you are supporting him now, like every day? Maybe he's trying to get back at you. Passive Agressive?

20 really isn't the age to settle on the ONE. You'll both change a LOT over the next 5 years.

Good distraction frees us from emotional pain, bad distraction gives you a mouth full of whizz. ~~~ Guru Tugginmypudha
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: reaspade
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 3:19pm

Thanks, I understand that 20 is not the time to be settling. But we'll see how it goes :P But at 20, I shouldn't be having these problems.

I don't go at him for not having a job my job supports us both comfortable. I thought it was because we were spending to much time together, but he has been living for a week here and there to work on a house. With no response from that I thought it must have been me not being as attractive or bad in bed or something. or that he lost interest in me.

I've tried everything from making him feel good to role-playing, toys, porn, everything...Naughty dances and sexy clothing and frocing myself upon him...no reaction. the sad thing is he use to love all of that...and no nothing...not even a boner...

I defently think he is depressed, A. because he doesn't have a job. B. Because he really proud and a man's man, I think he is embarrassed about me looking after us.

Thanks for your advice and support!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-12-2006
In reply to: reaspade
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 11:31pm

A couple of points......he might have lost, or be losing interest in you, but that has NOTHING to do with how attractive you are. You could be the most beautiful girl in the world, and that has nothing to do with attraction, or "interest". Stop blaming yourself.

One thing you mentioned in your first post....he tells you to douche before he'll touch you again? That's strange, and I hope you know you are NOT supposed to douche.......ever, unless told to by your gyno for certain special reasons. Normally, you never douche, because that will upset the normal pH balance in your vagina, and will leave you vulnerable to yeast infections. The vagina is self cleaning, and it takes care of itself.

You need to sit him down and talk to him about what's going on. It could be depression on his part, it could also be that he's losing interest in being in a relationship with you......but whatever it is, he's the only one who knows. You're both young, and you can both change your mind many times before you find the right one. If he continues this way, he is NOT the right one for you. Whatever HIS problem is, it's rubbing off on you and you're losing your own self respect. When a man does that to you, it's time to move on unless things change.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
In reply to: reaspade
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 8:21am

Welcome to the board reaspade.

It sounds like he is having some problems and may not even know himself what is causing them. If it is depression, that happens often -- most people who are depressed do not realize they are depressed from the beginning.

Also, you mentioned the frequency of his masturbation. That can desensitize him to partnered sex as he can create a different feel with his own hand. Is he watching a lot of porn? Since he's masturbating so much, perhaps that is what he's doing with his time. That will leave him little energy or desire for partnered sex later in the day.

In either event, it has nothing to do with you. If he does seem to be having problems with depression, why not encourage him to see his doctor. If he gets a clean bill of health, then you have at least ruled that out.



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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: reaspade
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 8:30am

I'm hoping it isn't him losing interest in me. When he talks to me the things he says always seems like he means them, I use to be able to read him so well...but i'm so confused.

I know,I've never Douche in my life. My mom always kept me well informed. That is something I try to explain to him, but guys just don't understand. You did a way better job explaining it...I might have to quote you.

Your right, I really shouldn't be with someone that make me feel unattractive. But he makes me feel so much else. I feel bad about it, I have everything I want except the sex life.

Thank you :)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2007
In reply to: reaspade
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 8:39am

Good Idea, but getting him to see a doctor is alot harder then it sounds. :S

He does watch pron sometimes...I think it is more he is bored and he think and then it happens. Usually we watch porn together. but we haven't in a long time well since Feburary.

What worries me before we got back together he had a drug issue, where he took to much E and could no achieve a boner...which the drug should cause. he mention this to me the next day. and was not able to for 2 days afterward. Deep down I think it is that, but he has forgotten all about it. I know that he has stop taking those things for me. But deep down I scared it really messed him up down south.