I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
I need advice
7
Tue, 11-09-2004 - 11:10pm
Okay I will start with a little background inofrmation I am a 24 year old single mother who hasn't been in a relationship for about 5 years because I was so hurt by my daughter's father. This guy I have been talking to for a year now hasn't been in a relationship for 2 years because he has been hurt also by previous relationships. Well like I said this guy and I have been talking for about a year now. Well just in the past 3 months we have been out on dates which has been nice. In the past week we have been messing around and things have kind of gotten a little hot and heavy. Well two days ago things we heating up and we were about to have s** when he stopped and said we needed to talk. He said that he didn't want to lead me on and if we had s** he didn't want me to think that we were in a relationship because he doesn't want that right now. He said that I deserve better than him and that he cares about me. He said that he is phyically attracted to me but would rather not get into a relationship with me and loss me as a friend. He would rather remain my friend and see me happy with someone else than us get together and him and I never speak again. What would you guys think? Does he care for me or do you think he has someone else he would rather be with?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
In reply to: swtchica24
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:29am
It seems to me he TOLD you what he's up to. He wants sex, he's physically attracted to you, and he doesn't want a relationship. Whether or not he has anyone else on the line, only he knows.

Past hurt has nothing to do with it. Every human being that's ever been in a relationship has been hurt....and we all get over it.

I hate to keep using the line, but it's just so true: He's just NOT that into you. He likes you, he wants sex, and no commitment.....that is a FWB, and you'll be the loser. If you want a relationship, find someone else because he told you he doesn't want a relationship or a commitment....at least not with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
In reply to: swtchica24
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 12:30am
I think this is him trying to tactfully tell you that he is not interested in a relationship with you. He's happy to do Friends With Benefits, but nothing more.

Bearing in mind that you are a mom, I would suggest that you be very careful with whom you date. You see, kids don't date...they attach. And if a man who only wanted to be a casual sex partner became a part of your life, it would devestate your daughter when he moved on.

Save your emotions and passions for a man that is 100% emotionally available.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
In reply to: swtchica24
Wed, 11-10-2004 - 5:50am
Hi swtchica!

Ya know, sometimes its just simply a-okay to take something like this positively and leave it at that. Its obvious to some out there that he simply doesn't share kind of interest in you right now, whether he does with someone else or not.

YET, its obvious to of us that he DOES share that romantic interest in you now but is too much of a gentleman and has just too much respect for you to just use you for his own needs without that pressure of commitment that he's obviously unsure about having right now.

These situations, with the info you've provided so far that is, can really be either way.

My PERSONAL take on what you've described so far is that it really sounds familiar to what I told Lady Para, now Mrs. Para. I too was simply not ready for romantic involvement for the looooongest time and told her that I simply respect her a bit too much to just get my needs out of it and yet still be just friends (plus religious beliefs, but thats another story).

I think you should really look closer at your blessing here and recognize that you taken advantage of like many ladies out there STILL are, even at the older ages. He was a gent and prevented from taking advantage of you, AND it sounds like he really does want to be friends. There may be another lady out there that ISN'T looking for a relationship that has the same needs he has, so someone like that be what he's looking for because there's no 'long-term' attachment. I'm just guessing, cause who really knows but him.

You really like each other, but wouldn't settle for hanging the hat on HIS hat-hanger till he IS that interested. Don't put yourself through more than you need to, respect his wish to remain friends. He said to move on if you have another interest, so respect his words of friendship. If you're still available and he to be ready for long-term commitment, great!

Just my thoughts...free. ;)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-09-2004
In reply to: swtchica24
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 5:58pm
I do understand what you are talking about but I am not sure if this makes a difference he also has a child with another woman. She has hurt him tremendously in the past and still until this day hurts him by sometimes not letting him see his child because she gets mad at him for some stupid. He has told me that before he gets into a relationship with someone else that he wants things to be good with him. As in he has his own house instead of living with his mom, that he has his financial obligations in good standing, and that he doesn't want to have to depend on a woman. He also has been asking me why I want to be with him because I could do so much better, that I could be with anyone that doesn't have problems like he does. Like I said I am not sure if this makes a difference or not, if it does please give me your advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2004
In reply to: swtchica24
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 6:16pm
Well you said he has been hurt by past realtionships , so maybe he is afraid of getting to close to someone and is afraid of that happening again so he perfers just to be friends and he obviously cares about you or he wouldn't have said all of that if he didn't then he would be using you... I would just give him sometime and when he feels ready for a realtionship, then go ahead and pursue it...otherwise just enjoy the good friendship that you two share...obviosuly he doesn't want to lose what he already has... Good Luck!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2004
In reply to: swtchica24
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 6:29pm
Do you only want him if he wants a relationship or are you afraid that he has someone else he wants and he's just giving you an excuse?

I had a (as someone else put it) friend with benefit. I am now married to him. I wasn't loking for a relationship either.

You basically have 3 choices:

Be his platonic friend.

Be a friend with a benefit and don't count on getting a relationship. if it happens it happens. You haven't stated that you were looking for a relationship.

Cut all ties and move on.

In any of these I do recomend that you don't involve your child in this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
In reply to: swtchica24
Fri, 11-12-2004 - 10:31am
Chica, is it possible that he is not interested in a relationship because of the added pressure he may feel from it?

He's already dealing with the results of his past, with the child and the other responsibilities too. Sometimes we men DO want more out of a relationship, but are too afraid of not being able to own up to the pressure and responsibility that may come with it.

Perhaps he feels that if you and he DID cement the relationship more and more, then he wouldn't be of being what HE would like to be for you compared to others out there. We're men, darn us!, lol, we have our funky thinking ways, right? ;D

Keep us posted.

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R