I Need Help With Our Sexual Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
I Need Help With Our Sexual Relationship
11
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:10pm
HI..

I need help and if you dont know then plz give your guess i need all the help i can get.

My MARRIED BF and i are sexually active and we were talking about our relation ship and he said he fells that hes not getting back as much as he gives , and it makes me feel bad and i was wondering what i could do beacause the one thing i refuse to do is give him a bj and he does everything 4 me and i feel its hurting our relationship....



PLEASE HELP N E THING U CAN THINK OF PLZ!!!!




Edited 9/3/2004 1:59 pm ET ET by jessiecan4mexican

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2004
Tue, 08-31-2004 - 11:49pm
You say he does "everything" for you......what is everything? Does he give you oral sex? Do you enjoy it? What else does he "do for you"?

If your answer to oral sex is yes, and you enjoy it, then why won't you do it for him?

Is this strictly a sexual relationship? Do you date, do you do anything together besides sexual things? If it's strictly sexual, then he has the right to complain, and move on to someone who'll do whatever he wants. If there's more to the relationship than sex, then you two have to discuss it, and see what he's unhappy about, and decide what if anything can be done about it. He might still move on if he feels you're taking too much and not giving enough.

Sorry, but the only way to solve this kind of problem is to talk about it, and come to some kind of compromise.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 3:04am
Surely there is more to this than a BJ? If the relationship as a whole is sound then I am a little surprised that someone would end a good relationship because they can't get a BJ. But that's his choice, as extreme as it may be. We all want different things in a relationship and he obviously feels very strongly about oral sex. Maybe that's the problem? The relationship is based on sex more than anythingelse. If that is the case, are you sure that you want to be in a relationship that is based only on sex?

You need to talk to him about this whole issue and either try learning to give him a BJ or making him understand that you feel strongly about BJ's. Or accept that he is prepared to break up over oral sex and accept it as an extreme but valid reason.

If there is more to it, that he does more in the entire relationship and more outside the bedroom then perhaps you should take a look at what you contribute towards the whole relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 5:47am
Hi jess. You're in a more common situation than you may realize.

I agree with you that this just may be hurting your relationship. Both men AND women want to be with partners that not only want to please them, especially out of love of course, but they also want partners that actually adore them, crave them, relish them...AND their bodies.

As always, communication is key. Keeping him aware that you DO care about how he feels regarding this is important. Reminding him that your choice in this matter is NOT based on but that its a choice you had all along (if thats true of course) and that its nothing personal against him or his body is also important.

When you choose not to do something, thats it! You don't need the most perfect explanation in the world for any choice you make regarding sex. Hopefully your relationship is NOT based upon sex and there are other things to enjoy that will continue both of your pleasures with each other anyway. If he chooses to treat this as a issue, then hopefully thats as far as it goes without thoughts of moving on to someone else.

Each relationship is different, so we can only advise here what we'd do in our own lives for the most part. I personally don't believe there is anything can do to keep from feeling bad outside of actually 'trying' to please him in this matter. His feelings and your feelings on this issue are very set. He wants intimacy in this fashion, but hopefully his giving to you is done out of love and not used as a bargaining chip. If he doesn't want to give you oral unless its fair, then I'd and lovingly let him know he doesn't have to, being EXTRA careful to point out that you don't want him to stop but that you also don't want him to feel like he's doing all the work either. Not a solution by any means, just an idea, and that idea STILL places strain on many relationships anyway, especially when not communicated carefully and lovingly enough.

There's NO solution to your problem as far as I'm concerned other than a) you actually trying to please him this way and learning how to enjoy him enjoying it or b) him being more respectful of your feelings against certain acts. Not sure we can help you two, only you two can. Good luck, please post back and let us know how things go.

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2004
Wed, 09-01-2004 - 4:53pm
what exactly is it about a BJ that you find a dealbreaker? lots of women feel this way, for a wide variety of reasons. do you find it morally wrong? do you find it demeaning? do you find it dirty and unhygienic? do you find it painful to your jaw? do you dislike the taste of semen, or the idea of having semen in your mouth? etc...

some of these things you can deal with through compromise. for example, if it's a "dirtiness" issue, could you consider getting in the shower with him and doing it there? if it's semen in your mouth, could you consider using your mouth to get him "close" but have him pull out before he cums? if it's pain in your jaw, could you try just kissing and licking, without actually taking his whole penis in your mouth?

also, there are other things you can do to make him feel taken care of, without giving a BJ. you need to understand what it is about the BJ that turns him on so much. is it the "wet" feeling? well, what if you went to a sex store and bought a special lubricant. you could lube up his penis, and then give him incredible manual stimulation. is it the visual of a woman's head down there? well, what other visuals would turn him on as well? what about a sexy striptease instead, for example?

talk to him. keep an open mind. try to brainstorm ideas together. this doesn't have to be an unpleasant conversation!

FWIW, I don't think it says anything bad about your relationship, that you have this concern. You're absolutely right that it hurts a relationship when one person isn't happy in the bedroom, and I think it's great that you're here seeking tips for new ways to please him. It doesn't mean your relationship is based too much on sex. In any relationship, sex should always be a "work in progress"! JMHO

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 2:57pm
Its not straight relationship but we dont have that much time for us to see eachother i used to live with him and we were together ,and i moved oout and my sister moved in and she has the same body additude and every thing and there always together and i dont want to lose him expecially to my older sister.....yea i enjoy it but i have a problem swallowing
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 7:12pm
Time out!

You moved out. When you said your older sister moved in, did you mean move in with or with ?

If she moved in with you and is actually spending so much time with him, then I'm not sure what words any of us have that can help you. He is making choices about how to treat your relationship, just like you are making the choice on whether or not to please him in the way he wants. Like I said earlier, you have to determine if he's going to base your relationship on whether or not he gets particular things from you sexually.

If she moved in with HIM and you notice they're spending time together so much, PLUS the fact that you moved out, then I'm confused why you're not contemplating moving on. You said you didn't want to lose him to your older sister. My personal opinion is that it doesn't matter who he's with if he's not with you. I'm only speaking as a husband though.

If you're still wondering about the oral situation, don't think that fellatio always involves swallowing. I don't recall you mentioning that he specifically wanted you to swallow, so I'm basing my wording on what you've provided.

Regardless of anything I mentioned thus far, you DO need to talk to him and get some clarity. Its time, in my honest opinion, to be direct and find out for sure where your relationship stands. I find nothing wrong with letting him know you simply don't want to lose him and that you want to know for SURE if the relationship is okay or if its in any kind of jeopardy.

Your choice. Truly truly hope things work out.

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 1:35pm
well the thing is im in like a compition to keep him against my older sister and i think hes involved with her and i really dont know what to do..
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-31-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 1:39pm
Yes i moved out and she moved in ... i cant move back in his brother who is closer to my age lives there and we dont get along so i left.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 1:53pm

Your sister


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 6:38pm

Why did you just edit your post today and add in that he is married?


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Pages