I Need Help! Please!
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| Thu, 05-04-2006 - 3:21pm |
Ok, I should start at the beginning........when I was a little girl I was pretty much molested by an older teenage girl. She was a family friend and I never told anyone anymore than that.
I was about 7 years old when she took my clothes off and humped me. I didn't understand what was going on at the time. She played "sex" with me all the time. She came over to my house every day to come ask my mom if I could play, so I went. I started hiding from her, I didnt like what was going on and I wanted it to stop. It made me feel yucky. Anyway, One time I was in the bath tub playing with my little toys, my mom let her in to see me. My mom didn't think it was a big deal that the girl come in the bathroom with me without her supervision. My mom always thought of her as my older sister so she definately trusted her. Anyway the girl started rubbing me with soap, I remember telling her I could do it myself but she didnt stop. She picked up the shower head and held it to my private until I had the feeling I couldnt take it anymore.
Ever since then I've had this horrible tick in my mind that I HAD to do that with the shower head. It became a horrible addiction that I couldn't stop doing for years. A few more years went by and I eventually moved away from her but I still couldn't stop masterbating that way. I didn't even know WHAT masterbating was! I didn't know what I was doing. One occasion my mom walked in on me in the act and she just told me I shouldnt do that. I didnt understand what she meant. I was only 9 years old. So I kept doing it to myself to the point where I couldn't take it anymore. A few more years went by and I went on to junior high school. I eventually was "educated" about masterbation. I continued doing what I was doing knowing I was "masterbating". After I went through puberty, the feeling of the warm water felt so good and sensual. I liked it. ALOT. So I masterbated with either the shower head or the water from the bathtub everyday, and when no one was home I would do it multiple times in a day. I kept doing it all the way to my senior year in high school, then I stopped. I realized I had a problem.
I never wanted to get a physical out of fear the doctors be able to tell that I had a masterbation addiction. So I have never seen I gynocologist and I am 19 years old. I don't have time. I'm working all the time and saving for college.
I'm in a serious relationship with my boyfriend, and we started having sex. It's really very difficult to achieve an orgasm via sex. Is it possible that my sex organs are permanentally damaged? I've had a sort of muffled orgasm from oral sex. And I had a small orgasm once, when it was my first time.
No I just don't know what to do! I need help! I want to know that I can orgasm from sex. It took me a while to recover from what happened to me as a child. It led me to an addiction to masterbation and I fear that the direct water pressure over the years may have damaged/numbed my vagina, making it extraordinarily difficult to achieve orgasms.
So if anyone has any advice at all, it would be greatly appreciated!

Mag-
I am sorry for what you went through. She had no right doing what she did to you. I am not a medical professional but I doubt there is anything physically wrong with you. Many woman, myself included, have had difficulty getting an orgasm during intercourse. It took me many years to achieve one through masterbation or oral sex. Try masterbating using just your fingers or a vibrator, not with the water. You might want to consider seeking professional help to deal with the trauma you experianced as a child. The trauma could also be blocking you in some sense. It wasn't until I met my fiance that I was able to feel totally secure and comfortable enough to 'let loose' and orgasm during sex. It isn't through intercourse but during foreplay. Good Luck!
MsNab
I don't think you have an addiction to masturbating this way though. UNLESS you have no control over it and it's dominating your life, then it's not an addiction. MOST of us learn to masturbate in a certain way from a young age and then have to learn to respond to different sexual stimulation with a partner. That includes men, as well.
You WERE molested and your innocence was taken away, but sexual pleasure feels good, so naturally, you wanted to experience that again. Just not have someone FORCE it on you. So, the act wasn't bad in itself, just how it was introduced to you. The water did nothing to your genitals though. Many, many women masturbate that way and experience no damage. You have simply trained your body to respond to one kind of stimulation. Many people, men and women, have this problem.
Your clitoris is the center of sexual pleasure, not your vagina, unless you continue to stimulate that during intercourse, either directly or indirectly, then you most likely won't orgasm with your partner.
I would recommend visiting www.the-clitoris.com for more information and I would strongly recommend getting counseling to deal with your past abuse. Most people need to get past those memories & the resulting sexual issues with therapy before they can truly reclaim their sexuality and be happy with themselves and a partner. I wish you all the best.
Glad to hear that you feel the past is in the past, but many times, it really isn't. It crops up in your subconscious and interferes with your sexual happiness. I would still recommend therapy if you can't begin to enjoy sex fully with your BF.
And it's good that you've left the water technique behind, at least for the time being. Continuing to use that method while you're learning to respond to manual/oral/vaginal stimulation will only exacerbate the problem.
Ask your BF to stimulate your clitoris during intercourse or do it manually yourself. Also, you can stimulate your vulva better in some positions, like woman on top and grinding yourself against him instead of trying to mimic his motions will give you more control over the stimulation. Getting contact between your clitoris and his pubic bone or erection is going to be the key. Experiment and ASK for what you need. Just the in and out motion of intercourse isn't enough for 80% of women.
You are perfectly normal.....you learned as a young girl that it felt good to do that, and you did it. Masturbation, even in young girls is NOT abnormal. It wouldn't have been any different if you'd used your fingers instead of the water. You weren't addicted, you just enjoyed it, and you had no idea what you were doing other than it felt good.
A doctor cannot tell that you've masturbated, and even if he could, he wouldn't care. In most cases a doctor can't even tell if you're a virgin or not. Doctors aren't judges, they're doctors and their job is to take care of your health, not worry about what you do sexually. They might need to know what you do if it pertains to an illness or a problem, but again, they don't JUDGE.....they take care of problems.
Whatever you did has nothing to do with your lack of orgasms. As Katmandoo explained to you, very few women, even women who have NEVER masturbated in their lives have orgasms from intercourse alone....because there are no nerve endings in the vagina, with the exception of the "g" spot. The water didn't "desensitize" your vagina....it was never very sensitive. Your clitoris is your main sexual organ, along with your brain, and it's your brain that allows you to have orgasms, or stops you from having them. It's very possible that your early trauma is causing you to feel guilty about sex in general, and it would be a good thing for you to talk to someone professional about it. Most colleges have counsellors that you can talk to. Any harm that was done to you by the sexual predator or the water is mental, NOT physical. That's what you need help with!
Rather than start with a vibrator, which is just another artificial stimulation like the water, just use your fingers, or have your partner use his fingers or his tongue. Clitoral stimulation is the way most women have orgasms....usually during foreplay.
For more info about your body, check out www.the-clitoris.com
I've had an orgasm from oral with my bf! :) that was really fun! I wish I could train my body to respond better to his touch =/
I guess that practice makes perfect :)
You really need to learn to respond to the types of stimulation that a partner can provide. No partner will ever vibrate so learning to responde to manual, oral and penile stimulation is what you're working on. So, manual is doable by yourself, but the others aren't.
I would suggest using your fingers only, next time you masturbate and only masturbating when you feel sexually aroused...not when you're bored, etc. Just makes the re-learning process more effective.