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| Thu, 09-01-2005 - 1:13pm |
Married for 4 years, with my husband for 8 years. 2 kids. Husband is 27 years old.
I have begged for sex, tryed playing hard to get, yadayadayada....
On our last vacation we had sex once lasted about 2 minutes - no foreplay, no pleasure (for me)
he is not interested in sex but maybe once every 2 weeks - and then thats the only time he ever attempts to touch me. He never holds my hand, pats or rubs, smiles at me, looks at me... NEVER unless he wants sex... and then I dont even want it because I'm bitter that he hasnt even kissed me in 2 weeks and now that he wants something he thinks a shoulder squeeze makes it all better.
He isnt cheating... thats not a worry, he just has no sex drive and no concideration for me. I am fit, in great shape and work really hard to maintain my figure. He doesnt care, never has. Never compliments.
I have 2 young children with him and I'm staying for the kids. But at this point Im ready to end the marriage. He makes me feel ugly, he makes me feel stupid, he makes me feel unwanted - and he doesnt even try to make me feel that way, He does it without thought or care.
I've tried alot to spice up our sex life, thinking he is just bored ... doesnt matter what I do - He doesnt care, nor does he appreciate the effort.
Next time he wants sex - I'll hand him a $20 and tell him to find it elsewhere.

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Have you sat him down outside the bedroom and talked to him and
I can certainly sympathize and understand your frustration and anger over this neglect. But was he always this way? Is he under some sort of added stress or pressure at his job or with his family? Do you two have some unresolved conflicts that need to be addressed?
Have you asked him to get a physical? It's possible that he has an underlying condition which might cause his libido to take a nosedive and his seeming lack of concern about your needs may actually be shame/embarrassment or even depression.
Has he ever experienced erectile dysfunction or problems with premature ejaculation?
Get him to see his dr. for a full checkup. Depending on those results, I would strongly suggest marriage counseling before this destroys your relationship completely. Don't give up on him without doing everything possible to deal with this issue. After all, you do have children to be concerned about.
Allbluff,
I can really hear the rage and frustration this situation is bringing up in you. BOth Tish and Kat gave good advice...check to see if this is physical.
Whatever you decide to do though, you can get a handle on some of these feelings your having by not allowing yourself to make this about you. Yes, his actions are affecting you, but you have a choice in how you see this. When you use terms like "He makes me feel..." you lose your power. Even describing your feelings as "ugly, stupid, unwanted...etc." disempowers you completely and just adds to the frustration. It's always better to think in terms of real feelings: "Frustrated, sad, angry, rageful, etc. etc." because then you take responsibility for the feelings and can then use them constructively.
Having said all of that, it sounds like there is a complete break down in communication and connection in your marriage. If you want to improve things it's best to begin there. Do you talk? Do you spend time together? Do you spend time on your own? Relationships...all relationships require a certain balance. Each of you has to have your own thing that is strictly about you, you have to have your thing as a couple and you have to have your thing as individuals. IF any of those go out of balance, then the whole family become imbalanced.
If you can talk to a pro about your feelings and your situation you will benefit alot. You can then make decisions from a place of calm rather than from a place of pain.
Good luck and love to you both.
Scott.
Yes, I have spoken to him many times with many different approaches. He doesnt respond, shrug of the shoulders or the "I'm tired" excuse. I can understand being tired, but I'm tired as well and I havent put him on a shelf for 2 years.
When I try to Seduce him, Ask (more like beg) for sex, Simply rub/touch, whisper, he rarely ever responds postively... ussually I get the feeling he is annoyed and wishes I would go away. He turns me down just about every time I initiate anything.
Work is no more stressful for him than it was 8 years ago when we met. He has the Same job he did when we met.
When He is passionate (ummm once every 3 months maybe) he is a marvelous lover. No Problems with erection and never had a problem with premature ejaculation. No Health Problems, Injuries etc... Just a lack of desire and blatant disregard for me. When we first met we were very active... I never stopped desiring a very active sex life while his drive and caring just sorta petered out.
I've been struggling with this for a Long time now.
I mentioned Councelling once before - He was very firmly set against anything like that. I dont think that is an option for us, he wouldnt agree to councelling for any reason.
We Talk all the time, most all our free time is spent together and with our children. Not alot of alone time but Hey I'm a Mom of 2 toddlers I have no business being selfish apparently.
I am So Angry and Hurt, I Love my Husband so Much But Am Tired of Never Getting anything back from him. I find now that I really would rather be a single woman, if I were single I would be able to more easily remove myself from unfullfilling relationships like this one. I feel I've wasted 8 years of my youth on a man with no goals passion or drive.
Edited 9/1/2005 2:29 pm ET ET by allbluff
Even if he's not willing to try counseling, YOU should go for the objective advice and support. You'll need it. And believe me, having the support of a professional will aide you when and IF you decide to leave this marriage.
You aren't the only person to ever be in this predicament but I do think after 2 yrs. it's ultimatum time. Tell HIM what you said in this post and what it's doing to you emotionally. And regardless of his reaction, whether he shrugs it off this time or not, he won't be able to claim that he didn't know how you felt.
Something is definitely wrong here but you can't fix it by yourself.
Edited 9/1/2005 3:41 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
whew... wanted to say I feel much better. Even in this short time since post one, venting my anger and hurt here really helped me get things out... Had a good cry which I havent had in a long long time as I had just sorta numbed up and got out some of the hatefulness I had pent up.
with my head cleared a bit, I feel a whole lot more positive about things... through my anger I think I forgot to add how hard my husband works to provide for our family, the integrity and morals and loyalty the man has in every aspect in his life. And of course his dedication and love as a father to our children.
I refuse to believe that sex and intamacy will end our marriage. I called my husband briefly as I settled down, to ask him if he could come home for lunch, he unfortunately is the boss and cant break away on a shortstaffed day like this but He seemed to sence the edge and urgency in my voice and seemed genuinely concerned and told me he would be home just as soon as he could be and we would talk then.
I do feel like a yo-yo here - overcome by emotions and letting them loosen my tounge and say things that would devastate my husband if he heard them.
I need to be a little stronger and deal with this without the anger and spite.
Wish me luck as I try and sort this out with my husband this evening. Thank you for letting me vent and for your feedback.
Edited 9/1/2005 4:56 pm ET by katmandoo2001
By now you've had your talk with him. I hope that it went well and ended postively.
I got the feeling from your posts that when you had talked to him in the past about sex that it was focused on the lack of sex, and little mention was made about how it made you feel about the relationship. I hope that you've more or less told him what you've told us - that sex is an important part of the relationship (as it is for most people) and that you have reached a point where you don't know what to do, or to try, or to think and your commitment to the relationship is taking serious damage because of the continual , in your eyes, rejection that you keep getting. Good luck.
Edited 9/1/2005 6:37 pm ET ET by allbluff
well I spoke to him last night.
Seems that I was wrong and that work has been extremely draining for him lately and has been increasingly difficult for him over the last several months.
Seems that he has been cleaning up after other peoples messes alot at work. Irrate customers, Business is doing very badly and might even close soon. All this straining him to the max and him not only fearing for his job but for his next paycheck to even clear the bank as the company is doing so poorly it looks like they might not even be able to cover payroll.
he was extremely apologetic, Saying he knows he has been "a real D***head" which I disagree with. He hasnt been mean or rude, he just hasnt shown much emotion at all which is more disturbing.
Anyway, he apologized and asked me to bare with him a little while longer while he sorts work out. And Told me I was wrong if I thought he was uninterested, unattracted, bored etc.. with me. He also apologized for not telling me about the work situation, but that he felt I was stretched thin enough as it is and didnt want to add to my burden if he could avoid it.
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