I really need some help

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
I really need some help
11
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 11:15am

My fiance and I have been together for three years and have had a great sex life, for the most part.


Until recently.


I had our daughter in March of this year and I am struggling really badly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 11:28am

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 11:34am
IMO your fiancé is being selfish and immature. It took your body 9 months to make that baby, and it will take it at least that long to recover from pregnancy and childbirth. Couple that with the fact that taking care of a child that young can leave you feeling 'touched out' by the end of the day, and he should be happy that you're doing what you are to try and accomodate his needs, and he should be doing what he can to try and pamper and offload you, not yelling at you because he's angry that the sex you're having doesn't fit some preconceived idea of 'perfect' that he had. What you need to do as far as being tired is to get some sleep when you're able to, and what he needs to do is leave you alone to do it. Having a baby is a pretty major life (and lifestyle) changing experience for most couples, and your sex life can and (with effort and nurturing) will get back on track afterwards, but it's going to take a while and your fiancé needs to learn a little patience.






iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 11:59am
*Sounds to me like he is a wanna-be Dom.*

Not to sidetrack the discussion, but I am a Dom... and any wanna-be who came on like the OP's fiancé would very quickly find himself playing alone. Submission is a privilege to be earned, not a right that can be demanded.


END threadjack........






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 12:13pm
Welcome to the board, lhlsdev13, and ((((H U G S)))).



Having a baby makes a lot of changes for your body, and it can take a long time to feel like yourself again. It sounds like your BF is not being understanding of these changes at all, and he's trying to control you with his abusive actions. Personally, I think instead of trying to satisfy his demands, the two of you should seek some sort of counseling. What's to say he won't get more demanding if you fulfill his fantasies now?



It could be that he's young and doesn't know how to control his emotions. While he might be frustrated with your sex life right now, he's not the first person to feel that way. There are better ways to deal with it. If he keeps at this pace, you're going to become very resentful of him. Also, is doesn't sound like a healthy environment for any of you.



"I just want to know what I need to do as far as being tired and also if there is something that I can do to change the fact that its so hard for me to have sex.



Make sure you are taking good care of yourself. Getting exercise, proper nutrition and enough rest. Being a parent is demanding, and it creates a need for many changes in your pre-baby life. As far as it being difficult for you to have sex, if you weren't tired or pressured, you might find that you do enjoy sex. Ask your BF to help you out -- are there things he does around the house? Does he help with the baby and chores, or does he allow you time for yourself? If you're finding sex to be painful, you might want to have your gyn check to make sure there is nothing physically wrong. Otherwise, make sure that you are properly aroused, and in the mood for sex prior to penetration. Your BF can help with that too.



"I also want to be able to do something for him that will make him go crazy...you know. Is all this because of my baby or because of something else entirely? Is there anything I can do or any suggestions?"



A lot of women have difficulty with interest in sex after having a baby. I think it would wow your guy if you reacted like you did pre-baby. Is there a way the two of you can sit down, outside of the bedroom, and talk about this? Maybe set some times during the week that you will plan for sex? Perhaps if the constant pressure isn't hovering around, you will be able to prepare yourself and look forward to those times. Your BF is going to need to compromise and realize you need to start off slowly to build back up to a great sex life. Maybe set 2 times a week (since his appetite is so large), and stick to those two times. Usually, the more enjoyable sex you have, the more you want to have enjoyable sex -- so it can serve as a way to get your body reacquainted with those feelings.



Your BF needs to learn that life does not always stay the same. There are ups and downs for everyone, and changes can happen even if we don't want them too. He should have more regard for you then just a sex object. That is what he appears to be treating you as right now, and it's certainly not a way for him to help get things back to where the two of you would like them to be. Good luck with this, and keep us posted on how you're doing.






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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 12:15pm

"Not to sidetrack the discussion, but I am a Dom... and any wanna-be who came on like the OP's fiancé would very quickly find himself playing alone. Submission is a privilege to be earned, not a right that can be demanded."


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 12:24pm
*That is why I called him a domineering @sshat, lol.*

LOL... I agree with your assessment.






iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 12:29pm
(((HUGS))) and I'm sorry he's so verbally abusive towards you and

_________________________________________________


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2005
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 3:12pm

The idea of planning sex...I tried that.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 3:39pm


"He talks about how bad that I hurt him and then I feel horrible for hurting him that way."



What exactly are you doing to hurt him so badly? Being a good mom, getting up 2 or more times in the middle of the night to tend to the baby, taking on a job outside of the home, or not being his sex kitten?



"Basically, he works to pay the bills, and now that I am working that's easier for him. I just want us both to be happy but I am beginning to wonder if I am beginning to see the end of our relationship. He says that we do the same thing everytime and that I am boring."



All I'm hearing is "him, him, him". What about you and your needs? I would want both people in a relationship to be happy too, but not solely at the cost of one partner. Sex is what you make of it -- no matter which "you" you are! Maybe he should look at his part in this, and what he can do to make things better.



I think if you read back through your post, you'll see where some of the problems lie. You can't fix everything as just one person -- he has to be willing to compromise and work on the problems that you two share. If he's not, then perhaps this isn't the right relationship for you.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 11:42pm

I question how he expects any woman to relax and enjoy any sort of sex encounter with him if he is prone to outbursts like you have described afterwards.


You have described

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