i slept with my boyfriend's friend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
i slept with my boyfriend's friend...
17
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 1:45am

I need some advice...

This guy friend of mine and i were just hanging out in his room on Saturday night watching a movie, after the movie was finished we were just talking and stuff. He asked me if I would give him a back rub and I said sure no problem.

So that was fine, but he had no shirt on. Whatever, no big deal, I have a boyfriend who is friends with him, and we've been going out 13 months. Anyway, so my guy friend and I have kissed in the past and made out once before me and my boyfriend were going out.

Anyway its been along time since anything between us happened. So after I gave him a backrub we were just laying in bed and then we just started kissing and then he pulled me on top of him and things escalated very quickly and before I knew it he was asking me if I wanted to have sex and i said yes.

Now we were drinking but i had stopped probably like 4 hours prior to this all happening and he stopped about two hours before this all happened. So now I'm just wondering what to do. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to break up with him, but I enjoyed being with my guy friend and having no strings attached sex. I felt guilty the more I thought about it, but somehow i still can't seem to regret having done what i did.

i desperately need some advice....

Thanks,

Poolgurl.




Edited 3/21/2005 2:52 am ET ET by poolgurl29

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 2:39am

How would your bf feel about this? How would feel if this was your bf with a lady friend of yours? How close is that friendship that this guy 'supposedly' has with your bf anyway?

You chose the bf side of the difference between being available and being his girlfriend, then you drink and show him that it didn't matter. Maybe you're just not ready for an actual commitment to him. Something you need to think about.

Just my quick unprofessional guess based on what you said so far...take it as it is, and good luck to ya.

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:14am

It doesn't sound like you are ready for a committed relationship at all. Do you really love your b/f OR do you love having a b/f? There is a difference. I can't imagine truly loving someone and having sex with someone else, that's not what love is all about.

I would re-think your relationship with your b/f and find out what you really want out of this relationship. Not having regrets about what you did is a big Red Flag to me.

I personally would have to come clean with my spouse if this happened to me, that is your choice whether or not you tell him. I could not be in a relationship where I am living a lie and keeping something that important from someone I love. Your relationship is now built on lies and mistrust and that is something you are going to have to figure out what to do about it.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 9:48am

Wow, this guy sure doesn't seem to care about his "friendship," with your BF, does he? Most guys understand and respect the "hands off" rule when it comes to a friend's GF. And no, drinking is never an excuse, either.

I agree with Tish. I don't think you're ready for a monogamous relationship, because if you were, you would already have clear, established boundaries about this type of behavior. And you said yourself that you don't feel any regret about what happened.

Unless the relationship with your BF is casual and nonmongamous, then you are violating his trust and you SHOULD be ashamed. Put yourself in his place and then decide if it's something that should have happened.

Tell your BF what happened and let him move on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 12:29pm

The one thing that _can't_ happen again is for you to have sex with this friend again. When your b/f finds out that his best friend is having sex with his g/f on a regular basis - well, you could probably imagine the consequences...

What to do? You're obviously not very committed to your b/f and what you've done isn't fair to him if you stay with him and leave him in the dark about it. His so-called friend will be laughing behind his back. He might even tell your b/f about what happened if he's decided that he wants you.

The way I see it is to either tell your b/f what you've done, and probably watch your relationship break up because of it. I really doubt that your b/f will want to remain freinds with this other guy either.
Or you remain silent and hope that your unconcious actions, or the other guy doesn't give you away. Of course, you may well find yourself sleeping with the friend again - because you can.

I don't know. Your choice at the end of it, isn't it? Personally I think that you should do the right thing and break up with your b/f. And I probably wouldn't tell him the real reason why.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 1:08pm
I disagree Westie. Her BF needs to know the reason why because his "friend" is a wolf in sheep's clothing!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-10-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 1:27pm
In my opinion you can not blame the whole thing on the friend because every man i have ever asked has told me that all female friends are either a) someone they have had sex with or b) someone they would like to have sex with. I know that this does not apply to all men but what was she doing watching a movie with him in his bedroom and giving him a backrub with out his shirt on? Seems like she set her self up for disaster, or maybe for something she wanted to happen. You need to be honest and tell your bf, unless if the thought of karma repaying you someday does not bother you.
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 3:30pm

Of course not and I indicated as much in my initial response. It takes two to tango. But not only was he betrayed by his GF but also by his friend, so it's a double whammy.

She is just as guilty as he is but NOT telling her BF what a lowlife his friend is isn't doing him any favors either.

No guy I know believes that all bets are off just because a friend's GF is making herself sexually available. THAT would be the true test of friendship and this guy failed miserably.




Edited 3/21/2005 4:40 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-25-2004
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 3:57pm
I agree with Kat, here. They are both responsible parties in this fiasco. I think the best thing would be for the both of them to come clean to the boyfriend at the same time. They are both guilty and both need to take responsibility. She put herself in this position. He put himself in this position. They both need to be adults, step up, and admit to this mistake...Or whatever..
<>The fact that you, madame, aren't feeling guilty indicates clearly that you are not ready to be in a monogamous relationship. Relationships are built on love and trust, not sleeping with his best friend. Honestly, I don't want to hear you love him because if you loved him, this wouldn't have happened. You both set yourselves up, you are both equally responsible. I hope you do the right thing. I would end things by being totally honest with him about why. I'm sorry this had to happen and I hope that it steers your behavior in future relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 7:55pm

With a bit of hindsight on my first post, I agree with kat.
To the OP, the others are right. You do need to tell your b/f what has happened and with whom it happened with. What you don't need to tell him are the nitty-gritty details. I don't think that it's going to do him any good even if he wants to know where, why, how and who rubbed who first and when the shirt came off etc. All he needs to know is that it happened and that the two of you were equally to blame.

Maybe your b/f will want to try to work things out after he's gotten over the initial shock - who knows? I don't think that's a good idea because I think you will do it again eventually, because you are simply not committed to him.

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 10:58pm
I agree...NO DETAILS. Why rub salt in his wounds?

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