i slept with my boyfriend's friend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2004
i slept with my boyfriend's friend...
17
Mon, 03-21-2005 - 1:45am

I need some advice...

This guy friend of mine and i were just hanging out in his room on Saturday night watching a movie, after the movie was finished we were just talking and stuff. He asked me if I would give him a back rub and I said sure no problem.

So that was fine, but he had no shirt on. Whatever, no big deal, I have a boyfriend who is friends with him, and we've been going out 13 months. Anyway, so my guy friend and I have kissed in the past and made out once before me and my boyfriend were going out.

Anyway its been along time since anything between us happened. So after I gave him a backrub we were just laying in bed and then we just started kissing and then he pulled me on top of him and things escalated very quickly and before I knew it he was asking me if I wanted to have sex and i said yes.

Now we were drinking but i had stopped probably like 4 hours prior to this all happening and he stopped about two hours before this all happened. So now I'm just wondering what to do. I love my boyfriend and I don't want to break up with him, but I enjoyed being with my guy friend and having no strings attached sex. I felt guilty the more I thought about it, but somehow i still can't seem to regret having done what i did.

i desperately need some advice....

Thanks,

Poolgurl.




Edited 3/21/2005 2:52 am ET ET by poolgurl29

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 2:08pm

Poolgurl,

As others here have said, you are clearly not ready for a committed relationship in my perception...nothing wrong with that, but it's important to be honest with your bf and also with yourself.

It makes me sad that both of you chose to take this step with no thought of how your mutual friend would feel if he were to discover it. We don't have a choice with which cards we are handed in life, the choice arrives when we decide what cards to play. Both of you chose to watch a movie alone together in a room (unwise), he chose to ask and you chose to give him a bag rub(more unwise)...and all that followed was a choice (extremely unwise).

The one and only sign of maturity is the ability to make more healthy, life affirming choices and then to be responsible for both good ones and the bad ones. You have made unwise choices, the way to "grow up" is to make the choice to be responsible for the choice and accept the outcome not matter what.

Good luck.
Scott.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:34pm

West, as I stated in the very first reply, I challenge the so-called friendship that guy is suppose to have with her bf as well as her commitment to the relationship in the first place, so we obviously agree here.

I'm curious though about your mention of no details...does that mean you'd leave room for at least explanation of what went wrong?, such as a bit of drinking or her just admitting that she feels she's not committed enough and that there's nothing wrong with the bf or something?, rather than just saying ?

I remember when my 2nd girlfriend ran off with another guy. Believe it or not, I personally felt "less" pain by knowing what went wrong after I spent the entire time previous to her explanation wondering what "I" personally did wrong,

if that makes sense. So whats your thought on this one in that regards? Not saying she SHOULD do anything in particular, just wondering what you thoughts were on it. TIA

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 4:48pm

I ran the OP's *problem* past Dh last night and asked him how much he would want to know.


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 5:19pm

This is how my DH and I feel. The fact that it happened is enough.

Coincidentally, I just saw a psychologist on a program about cheating partners, saying that WHO, WHERE, WHEN and IS it over were the only answers needed from a cheating spouse. The gory details can only do more harm by contaminating memories.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 5:22pm

I agree with how tish's husband feels about it. It's enough to know that they were at the friend's house watching a movie and that they both consentually ended up having sex, and that they are to share equally in the blame for it happening. You don't need to know who made the move on who, who's hands went where first, who's clothes were removed first, was there foreplay or just intercourse.

I think that part of you wants to examine the details and look for some indication that your partner was seduced against their will. You hope that the sex was a passionless and passive affair, rather than being an enjoyable and passionate experience that they actively participated in. I guess you live in hope and knowing the details makes you feel that you can find a reason in the betrayal. Unfortunately, the details invariably make you feel worse as you mentally picture what happened.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Tue, 03-22-2005 - 8:42pm

Like I said, keeping in mind that I am actually speaking as someone with experience of being treated like this as opposed to what I "would" do as someone who hadn't gone through it, it was nice to know what went wrong, WITHOUT the explicit details of course, just to know whether or not "I" actually could've did something to prevent it or if I did something wrong to begin with.

Obviously the blame is on the guilty and the need for explicit details is irrelavant, but when it actually DOES happen to you, then logic is out the door, emotion takes over, and you can't help but to wonder "why" anyway.

For those who HAVE been through it, we all respond differently, no correct way to IMHO.

Regardless, though, I think I got West's answer. Thanks all.

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-12-2004
Wed, 03-23-2005 - 8:55am
Hello iscott1,
Your response reminded me of one of my favorite books.
"Choice Theory" by Dr. William Glasser
If you haven't read it, I think you would enjoy it.
You seem like a life student of psychology and phylosophy as I am.
To the OP.
I have been in a similar situation. What I did was wrong and when the truth came out, all parties were hurt and all friendships were severed. Lying about it, or witholding the truth will not work. The bonds are too close. You can let it ride, but be prepared for the worst. JMHO

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