I thought it was me?
Find a Conversation
| Fri, 11-03-2006 - 11:26am |
Hi everyone. I hope you don't mind me asking a few questions.
My ex was my first ever. The problem was, I never really felt connected to him sexually, and never wanted to have sex with him. He said/did things right from day one that made me feel very apprehensive, and very uncomfortable. All along, I thought it was my fault for having a low sex drive, but now I'm starting to think otherwise.
He was really keen on rushing into things. I don't know why, but every guy I have dated with the exception of one has been super eager to have sex. When I said no, they were gone like the wind. This was only after knowing them or dating them for maybe four weeks. I have a friend that loves to have sex very early on in a relationship, and if that's her preference, fine, but for me, I don't want that. So I always felt like a major prude for not wanting to put out right away.
With me, I have to really get to know the person first and feel that special connection between them. With my ex, and all other guys before that, I never felt that. WIth my ex, I convinced myself I was being a prude, and gave in to being physical early on. What a huge mistake that was!
I remember, I was on the pill, but I wasn't totally comfortable with it yet. This was my first time being on the pill, and my first time having sex. I didn't want him to finish inside of me for the longest time, and he would just make me so uncomfortable by saying he's going to do it, he's going to do it, if I get pregnant, I could just get an abortion, no big deal. Yeah, no big deal for him, I guess. Then, just the way he initiated sex always made me feel uncomfortable, the way he touched me, talked to me, etc. It just snowballed from there. I hated the way he did so many things to me, and it just made me feel so terribly uncomfortable, I can't even begin to describe it.
So I always figured this was my fault. However, now that I've been out of that relationship, I realize that I never felt that special connection with him outside of the bedroom, so things that went on inside the bedroom weren't that good.
Maybe I'm answering my own question here, but I'm guessing it wasn't my fault for feeling so much resentment towards sex. I guess, like I said, every guy I dated, that's all he's ever wanted. I know for a fact I would be so much more physically attracted to a guy who respected my wishes. I do realize that sex is an important part of a relationship, but without that basic trust and companionship, what good is sex going to do?
Can you give me any advice? Am I doomed in the sex category, or do I just need to find myself someone who is willing to wait it out a bit and really get to know me first?
Thanks!

"Wait broke down the bridge".
Ooops! That's the other kind of weight.
Your personal sex life shouldbe about YOU.
You will never know if it is a failure, until you give it a try.
You may well find somebody who is commited to your style of time table, but until you find this person, you won't know if he is capable of meeting your needs.
My suggestion is to live a little, but just be sure to practice safe sex.
YOu need to understand that you are the person who decides your morals and what's right and what's wrong. It doesn't matter that your friends have sex on the first date. That's THEIR choice. You allowed this guy to push you into something you didn't want to do...so naturally, you couldn't enjoy it, because you didn't want to be doing it. Until him, you felt that all guys leave if you don't give it up, so you decided to try it that way, but you said you didn't have a great connection with him in OR out of the bedroom...and without a great connection, plus you feeling guilty and being mad at yourself for giving in and doing what you didn't want to do.....Of course you're going to hate every minute of it. And then to add insult to injury, he tells you if you get pregnant, you can get an abortion! NICE guy!
Now you know, you've proven it to yourself. Even if you have sex with them, that doesn't guarantee that they'll stay around (and I think with this one you were glad to see the back of him anyway!)
When you meet the RIGHT person, they won't push you, they'll wait until you're ready, even if that's MONTHS. And when it is the right person, you'll be ready soon enough, and it will work out. The old joke about kissing a lot of frogs before you find the prince isn't really a joke! That's what dating is all about...to weed out the frogs. Don't EVER let anyone coerce you into doing what you don't want to do. If they're doing that, they don't respect your wishes. And if they don't respect you....you don't want them.