I thought it was me the problem...
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| Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:58pm |
Hello,
Few weeks ago I asked about how to have sex with me on top, since my ex boyfriend used to complain all the time that I was doing it incorrectly. I never enjoyed it with him anyway because it was always painful (I was too tense trying to please him), I couldn't figure it out how to move, etc. In fact, we broke up because he told me that he had lost sexual interest in me. Not only because I couldn't perform "on top", but because I couldn't relax (I wonder why), I was smelly down there (maybe because he ejacutated inside me and eventually it had to smell) and many other reasons that he gave. It was so painful to hear him say that. I loved him so much and I thought that he was right, that I was just deficient and worthless in bed.
I met a guy that the first time he saw me he made me feel like a sexual being. We became FWB, I was (and am) trying to break with the myth that love and sex should go together. I just wanted to enjoy sex for the sake of it. So, we met today and when I was on top (putting in practice your advice, thanks for that), I asked him: "am I doing it right?", fearing that he might say that I wasn't, he told me "just do it as you feel is right for you". I was so touched by his answer. I just felt like all the burden of guilt and blame that I used to feel before (thanks to my ex reminding me how bad I was) has been released. How could I ever feel confident in bed if my ex was telling me that I was smelly, tense and dull?. Now I realised that it was not me being sexually incompetent but him being an a**hole with me. He was just blaming me for a bad sexual relationship between us when in fact it was also him being incompetent as a partner in bed. He was being selfish.
I feel happy and relief for what happened today but I also feel sad because I spent so much time punishing myself for something that was not entirely my fault. And also I will never had the chance to confront that idiot.
Well, I just wanted to tell somebody about the minor event that happened today with my lovely FWB but which has enormous repercusions in my life. Maybe it can help somebody who is feeling inadequate, just like someone else mentioned before, when it comes to sexual pleasure there are no rights or wrongs, just do what it feels nice to you and your partner.
Iliana

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I think everyone tried to tell you that it wasn't your fault.....but when you're "in love" you don't listen. He WAS mentally and emotionally abusing you. I'm so GLAD you got rid of him.......and I'll bet NOW that you realize that you were NEVER in love with the jerk! And, in a good relationship, it's not your "job" to make HIM happy.....you both make each other happy!
I have one word of warning for you though. Be VERY careful with this FWB situation. He sounds like a considerate and caring person, and that is exactly what you need right now. But, we women tend to NOT be able to separate sex and love, and you may find yourself caring too much for him....if he has told you that it's a "sex only" situation....and you will be hurt again.
Make sure you understand the rules of FWB, and DO NOT start getting feelings for him.
In the meantime, enjoy it, and build your confidence in yourself. Let that guy be a lesson to you. A man who truly cares for you will NEVER say such hurtful things to you. Don't EVER accept that kind of treatment from any man again! This guy is only a sexual partner, and he's "NICE" to you. That's the way it's supposed to be, even in a FWB situation. You enjoy each other, and you make each other happy!
Good for you and don't ever allow someone's ignorant, rude remarks lower your self-esteem.
"Make sure you understand the rules of FWB, and DO NOT start getting feelings for him."
What are these rules exactly?
I'm sure everyone has their own "rules"......but strictly speaking....a "friend with benefits" means you have sex with NO commitment to each other. You can date others, you can have sex with others, you (and he) can do anything you want to do. You are not boyfriend and girlfriend.......you are two people who have sex with each other, when one or the other wants to. You like the sex, but you are NOT going to "fall in love", and you are NOT going to get married, have children, or anything else. You are just going to have sex (and be friends).
Problems usually occur when one or the other (usually the woman) gets jealous, starts making demands.....starts wanting the guy to call her & see how she is.....in other words, a commitment. Women have a very difficult time separating sex from love. They start wanting more.....but if the agreement was FWB......then you're not going to get more. I'll call you when I'm horny....you call me when you're horny, and we'll get together and fix THAT. In between times, there's usually no contact.
Yes, you have described how a FWB relationship should be. Therefore it cannot last long. It is inevitable that everytime you meet your guy you get to know him not only sexually but emotionally. Therefore feelings for him start to arise, especially if he has qualities that you admire (which is my case). I am very conscious about it. Sometimes I think that I should put an end now before it is too late. But the sex is so good that I postpone the moment. It helps the fact I am moving permanently to another country in few months, so I try to be strong and not to reveal anything to him. Just enjoy the good sex.
Regarding my ex, to be fair with him, he did tell me what to do and how to do it. He helped me to explore my sexuality, since I had a strong catholic education, however at the end he just lost his patiance and gave up. I think he didn't see any progress and got frustrated and got hard on me. It was very difficult for me to even look at myself naked in front of the mirror, so how could I be wild in bed after so many years of being sexually repressed?.
Iliana
Edited 8/18/2005 5:47 am ET ET by iliana_9
I'm glad you "got it together". You're understanding now what it's all about, and you understand that your background and upbringing made it difficult for you to be sexually free.
But, you're still defending what is undefensible. You're still trying to take the blame for someone who treated you badly. You were NOT a "slow learner". It takes a long time to overcome things that you learned over a period of many years. It doesn't happen overnight. If someone is having difficulty learning something, you don't "beat" them into learning, either physically OR mentally. If he "lost patience" with you, that was a "character flaw" in him, not in you.
If you want to progress into maturity (sexually or otherwise), then you have to stop defending those who have treated you badly. There was NO excuse for his behavior. If he had been a truly loving man, he would have helped you, NOT berated you. Defending your "ex" is like a rape victim defending the rapist! Like saying that your clothes were too revealing, so he had a right to rape you. This is a "victim" mentality. You need to stop trying to take the blame.
Think about this.....you are not very different now than you were with your "ex". You still have repressions to overcome, and you will, slowly. But look at how easily you DID become relaxed with this new man who treats you NICELY! Do you see the difference? He may not be the "love of your life".....but he's a decent man, and an unselfish man who told you that you should do whatever you wanted to do. He didn't make you feel worthless. He didn't tell you that you didn't know what you were doing. That made you feel good, and allowed you to relax and enjoy what you were doing.
If you think that you are being used, then stay away from FWB relationships.
Maybe you fail to understand that FWB is an equal relationship where two adults agree to share their sexual life. That's it. Noone is using anyone and it works if both respect the rules of the game.
Edited 8/18/2005 1:41 pm ET ET by iliana_9
Sex is sex and love is love. Why people find it so difficult to understand this???
I don't need to have a "real relationship" with my vibrator or my hand in order to please myself sexually.
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