I thought it was me the problem...

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2004
I thought it was me the problem...
15
Wed, 08-17-2005 - 2:58pm

Hello,
Few weeks ago I asked about how to have sex with me on top, since my ex boyfriend used to complain all the time that I was doing it incorrectly. I never enjoyed it with him anyway because it was always painful (I was too tense trying to please him), I couldn't figure it out how to move, etc. In fact, we broke up because he told me that he had lost sexual interest in me. Not only because I couldn't perform "on top", but because I couldn't relax (I wonder why), I was smelly down there (maybe because he ejacutated inside me and eventually it had to smell) and many other reasons that he gave. It was so painful to hear him say that. I loved him so much and I thought that he was right, that I was just deficient and worthless in bed.

I met a guy that the first time he saw me he made me feel like a sexual being. We became FWB, I was (and am) trying to break with the myth that love and sex should go together. I just wanted to enjoy sex for the sake of it. So, we met today and when I was on top (putting in practice your advice, thanks for that), I asked him: "am I doing it right?", fearing that he might say that I wasn't, he told me "just do it as you feel is right for you". I was so touched by his answer. I just felt like all the burden of guilt and blame that I used to feel before (thanks to my ex reminding me how bad I was) has been released. How could I ever feel confident in bed if my ex was telling me that I was smelly, tense and dull?. Now I realised that it was not me being sexually incompetent but him being an a**hole with me. He was just blaming me for a bad sexual relationship between us when in fact it was also him being incompetent as a partner in bed. He was being selfish.

I feel happy and relief for what happened today but I also feel sad because I spent so much time punishing myself for something that was not entirely my fault. And also I will never had the chance to confront that idiot.
Well, I just wanted to tell somebody about the minor event that happened today with my lovely FWB but which has enormous repercusions in my life. Maybe it can help somebody who is feeling inadequate, just like someone else mentioned before, when it comes to sexual pleasure there are no rights or wrongs, just do what it feels nice to you and your partner.
Iliana

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2004
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 2:26pm

...then the truth of the matter in that case, is that you would be USING your hand or your vibrator. ;-)

use

To put into service or apply for a purpose; employ

I guess if there's a true friendship in place, then you could possibly say that you're not using each other just for sex, since the friendship is the primary reason for being together. But if there's really not a true friendship and it's just two people who do things together(go on outings like dinner or barbeque with friends) BECAUSE of the sex, then I guess that we can safely say that you are both being used(happily so though, of course). Let's call a spade a spade, eh? tee hee

Imagination is more important than knowledge." (Albert Einstein )
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 3:10pm
So, you're comparing an inanimate object and a body part to sex with a person? That's an odd analogy and very telling.


Edited 8/18/2005 3:32 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 3:13pm

"No one is using anyone." No, the understanding is that you ARE using each other...for sex. Essentially, you are masturbating with another person's body because the goal is your own sexual satisfaction in most FWB's. And that's perfectly fine if both people are on the same page about it, but that's rarely the case.

Not everyone believes that sex and love are separate, though...and that viewpoint is not less valid because you don't agree with it. However, your own comments about your FWB partner pretty much confirms my feeling that they rarely work.




Edited 8/18/2005 3:45 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 4:34pm

I agree with you. As the OP said, sex is sex, and love is love. The problem there is that most women (and a few men) can't separate them, no matter HOW much they agree to "rules". It is very difficult to have a continued sexual relationship with someone and NOT develop feelings for them. When it's over, someone will be hurt.

Personally, I could care less about sex unless I'm IN a loving relationship. That's not saying that the relationship has to lead to marriage, and/or be "forever"....just that there has to be mutual feelings BEYOND sexual release. As I jokingly told someone once, there has to be some nice "upright" time, too......or it just won't work......for ME.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Thu, 08-18-2005 - 6:18pm

>>It is very difficult to have a continued sexual relationship with someone and NOT develop feelings for them.<<

Yep. I'd agree with that. You spend half your life looking for some that you are compatible with to fall in love with. If you have a FWB situation you are in an intimate situation and spend time with someone that treats you nicely and you have great sex with. That's 2/3rds of a full-on romantic relationship just there! Frankly, I'm surprised that any FWB situations can work within the rules. I see people here saying that sex is sex and love is love - well, it's simply not like that for most people. The two are so intertwined as to be virtually inseparable.

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