I'd rather have a root canal then sex

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
I'd rather have a root canal then sex
10
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 12:41am
I'm 36 and my husband is 38. We have been married for 17 yrs. We have never had a good sex life since being married. I have never had sex with anyone else (at 18 that was sweet now it's just sad). My husband on the other hand has and has cheated on me 8 yrs ago for a full year. It also is hard to be married that long and not know what is normal just being married. We are so bored with each other that we don't even really like each other. I truly couldn't tell you if he really loves me or not. Or if it's just easier financially to stay together. We have our moments where we get along then poof we go weeks fighing over the dumbest things.I'm on here writing right now so I don't have to be in there with him. Then when it comes to sex luckily it's not that often. But when we do it is sooooo boring and very unsatisfying. The only good thing is that I have been blessed with being able orgasm very easily. Because if I even get four play I liken it to him sanding a car. Before I get too numb I usually will take over and just get it done. Afterwards I'm so thrilled it is over and I have another month before I have to do it again. Yes I have told him it hurts and to imagine it's like a delicate flower. But still he tries to imagine he's trying to sand me for a paint job. We have very poor communication skills so I don't know what to do. And he's one of those guys if I say anything he gets so offended. His idea of a date would be going to McDonalds and a stroll through Lowes. Last weekend on our 17th wedding anniversary his friend called and said they were playing poker and thats how he celebrated it leaving me home alone. How do you survive a boring marriage?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-26-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 1:37am

Why try to survive it? Either fix it, or end it. You can try to fix things by getting some marriage counselling that can help with the communication. Some marriages are just not meant to be. Counselling will help you to decide if yours is.

If it's not meant to be, then end it and get on with your life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-23-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 7:30am

I'm with Dakine, either work together as a couple


bounxh0a-1.gif picture by dillbyrd

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2005
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 12:06pm
For a minute I thought you were talking about my spouse, so if misery loves company I’m part of your group; who suffer from a incompatible orientated spouse, that ignore the romantic or sexual needs of their partners. I know how it is to lack the satisfying form of full companionship in a marriage. You’re not alone, if that’s any comfort. I feel for you and wish I could help beyond this message. Hope our fellowship in this department improves.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 3:07pm

So what, exactly, do you want out of this marriage?

Why, exactly, do you think that you have to "survive" it?

Why not end it and get a divorce? It sounds like it really sucks and any reasonably sane person would get a divorce and call it a day. After all, a divorce means that you will have a chance at love and happiness one day, while staying with this marriage as it is means that you will be miserable for the rest of your life. Tough choice....

However, SOMETHING seems to be keeping you in this relationship and it sounds like you want to try to do something to fix it or make it better. I'm all one for trying your hardest to save a relationship before calling it a day.

I think that you need to get some counselling. I doubt that this is something that can be easily fixed just by you.

And I also think that you need to communicate better. For starters, stop being so sensitive to your husband getting offended. I'm sure that he's not stupid either so he's probably wishing that things were better too. Yes, he went and had an affair so he's well aware that things aren't what they could be at home either. The two of you are in the same boat. Sounds to me like you are both trying to be so careful to not offend each other about things that you don't like that the relationship has gone to the pack.

Be more outspoken and assertive about what you want and that includes everything from the bedroom through to finances to how the two spend your time. Don't mistake assertive for bossy and overbearing though.

Be fair. Remember that he has his own agenda and wants and needs and desires. You want to fix the relationship so that you are BOTH having a good time, not change it so that he never gets what he wants. Marriage is a compromise in many areas. You can't just do what you want to all the time, but at the same time you have to keep yourself happy too.

Be positive. Noone wants to be nagged, noone wants to be told that they suck at something and then be told that they should be doing it a different way. It's better than we have a different way suggested to us in a positive way. So don't say that he sucks in bed and that it's like sanding a car. Try suggesting a new way of doing it - "You know honey, how about you move like XXXX tonight? I think that would feel better." or "No, you stay there. Let me try this tonight".

Talk. It might be one-sided for a while with you doing all the talking, but I think that admitting to him that the relationship needs improvement isn't a bad thing. He knows it too. If he hears you saying that it sucks and you have a few ideas of how it might be made better then he'll probably begin to listen. Ask him for his input too - once he gets used to the idea he might open up and begin to make suggestions.

Good luck. Get the counselling, you need it. But if you want to keep this marriage going, then go for it. It's better that you rock the boat than just sit there with your eyes closed waiting for it to sink.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 4:08pm
Thank you all for the advice. Westridge you are very right that I need to be more outspoken. I guess my problem is I don't know how to be. I'm not a confrontational person whatsoever. I'm also a very blunt person and have trouble coming across negatively to him if I speak out about any concerns. He is also a very sensitive person so I have just come to learn it's easier to ignore it then confront it. I get very nervous when I try to talk to him because he usually just stares at me and says nothing which drives me insane. He's not the deepest person when it comes to any type of intellectual conversation. And when I try to talk to him he is not interested in the least of what I'm trying to say. I have to ask "are you listening to me?" And usually he sighs and looks like he's in pain for having to take two seconds to listen. Last summer I was sick with an autoimmune disease that caused my body to go into a very bad depression. He was so non suppotive and instead of seeing it was a health problem he would just think I was "weird" for not being able to be around our friends at the time. We almost split up then and it has kinda been bad since. Also another reason I stay is because I was a stay at home mom for 14 yrs and 2 yrs ago I went to cosmetology school and then opened up a salon. My Dr. told me that the chemicals was one reason why I had gotten sick. So I sold my salon and now I have no way of supporting myself if I leave and I have no where to go if I did. So with no job history and no education and no way to pay for anymore education I feel trapped and dependent on him. And then I feel like he's like any guy and I will have the same issues with another one. He is a very stable person who doesn't drink or smoke and has very good morals (well besides him cheating). When he left 8 yrs ago when he was cheating my kids were devestated by it. Because we aren't "fighters" they see us as having the perfect marriage because they don't see any conflict. When I get mad I pout for days (yes very immature) and he acts "normal" and ignores the fact I'm upset. Everytime I do it I think this will be the time he say's "whats wrong sweety are you upset?" But it never happens and I get bored with it and it's swept under the rug and we go on from there.I have been with him since I was 17 yrs old and I don't have any idea what is normal and what isn't. I have just know him my whole life, and it's very frustrating. So I guess it would be a good idea to get counseling for communication skills. I will attempt to talk to him tonight but I don't even know how to start.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 6:39pm

Here's a few thoughts as I read your post:

>>He is also a very sensitive person so I have just come to learn it's easier to ignore it then confront it.<<
Well, ignoring it hasn't done the relationship any good. I think that you're at the point where the risking of offending him is worth it. Can't do any more harm, can it?

>>I get very nervous when I try to talk to him because he usually just stares at me and says nothing which drives me insane.<<

Well, that's fine. He's not stupid, is he? He's listening even if he's not reacting. Instead of rambling on about something, be brief and to the point. Give him a possible solution or two. Most guys like to find solutions and ways of fixing things whereas most women can happily talk about a problem, share the burden, yet not find a solution in the same way that men hunt for a solution to the problem.

>>We almost split up then and it has kinda been bad since.<<
Hmmmm. Given the mounting problems over the years I wonder if he truely realised that it was a disease and not just your emotional way of dealing with domestic problems? File this under "I'm not sure why he thought what he did then but I won't draw any conclusions just yet".

>> My Dr. told me that the chemicals was one reason why I had gotten sick.<<
Are you sure? Throwing away a business because of what one Doctor said seems to be premature in my opinion. But then I'm not a Doctor and I don't know what chemicals you were using. Yes, I know that chemicals can cause things like eczcema and the like but there seem to be plenty of cosmeticians out there doing just fine. I hope it was a health problem and not just semi-preventable stress from running your own business.

>>now I have no way of supporting myself if I leave<<
Aren't there options to use at least some of your cosmetology skills in the workplace?

>>And then I feel like he's like any guy and I will have the same issues with another one.<<
Only if you choose a guy that is the same and let him treat you the same way. This one is all about you and what you choose.

>>When I get mad I pout for days (yes very immature) and he acts "normal" and ignores the fact I'm upset. <<
Yep, you're right. It is immature and frankly, it's solved nothing for years, has it? Pouting simply isn't working and never has. He just ignores you until you sweep it under the rug and then he goes on with life like it never happened - but it's never been resolved has it? What else can you do to resolve a problem instead of pouting about it?

>>I don't have any idea what is normal and what isn't. <<
I wouldn't worry about that too much. Does any of us really know what is "normal"? We all have our own peculiarities and quirks

>>I will attempt to talk to him tonight but I don't even know how to start.<<
How about "I don't know how to say this or even what to say, but both you and I know that our relationship isn't as good as it could be and it hasn't been for a long time. Neither of us are enjoying each other as much as we could be. I want to stay in the marriage. But I also want to make it better. Can we start to talk about this and try to work towards making things better?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 7:45pm
Wow, your good. Where do you live, can you come over and help me? Ok, well I might just have to print that out to instruct me. I know I contribute to the rut were in and yes I do assume he should know what I am thinking all the time. I have been thinking lately that I need to better myself and get out there and get a job so I feel better about myself. Yes, I can get a job in a Spa without chemicals, and yes I know that was a factor in my illness. I have autoimmune thyroiditis and after doing research on what chemicals can do and looking back at when it started, I had just started school and was seeing the symptoms then but wasn't relating it to school and the chemicals. I didn't sell it right away. I was sick for two months and when I stopped using the chemicals I started to feel better. And I closed it in October and just sold it a couple of weeks ago. But you can't run a salon without being around chemicals. And when I was sick and didn't know why, I guess I would just assume he would be supportive no matter what even if i didn't know what was wrong with me. I also was going through other things also. I thought I had breast cancer and was going through tests with that while being sick with the other. And I felt he was not there for me emotionally. But because I felt that way I kinda left him out of it because I felt he didn't understand. So I guess I need to figure out how to communicate my feelings better. Thats just easier said then done.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2001
Mon, 02-27-2006 - 10:08pm

>>Where do you live, can you come over and help me?<<

I think that the airfare would be fairly expensive and I'm sure that even your husband would react if I turned up and knocked on the door ;-) There are plenty of people here on these boards that can give you even better advice than I can too. I've picked up a thing or two from them so I can't take credit for all the advice :-)

>>I have been thinking lately that I need to better myself and get out there and get a job so I feel better about myself.<<
You've hit that one on the head. The better that you start to feel about yourself the easier it is to make someone-else feel better about you. Getting another job is a very good idea in my opinion.

>>yes I know that was a factor in my illness<<
I'm sorry to hear that.

>>I guess I would just assume he would be supportive no matter what even if i didn't know what was wrong with me.<<

Sometimes guys have a hard time dealing with it too. What I said before about guys wanting to find solutions? If we can't do anything to help then we can feel powerless too. Along with the relationship problems, the gradual breakdown in the marriage, and the other health problems, he probably had no idea what to do or how to do it. By handling things yourself you blocked him out, and that too wouldn't encourage him to be supportive or to try and comfort you. A catch 22 situation I guess. That's in the past now, and you should look forward. It may be too late to save the relationship but it's not too late to try your hardest to save it. Whether you realise it or not, he has stuck around and has stuck with you through what is, by your description, a pretty grim marriage. There must still be something there that makes him want to be with you. Maybe it can be rescued? Time and talking and some hard work (and some of it will be heart--breaking and difficult) will sort things out one way or another. Yep. It's easier typed than done but if it's going to be done at all you need to start trying now. Good luck and best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2004
Tue, 02-28-2006 - 2:24am
Thank you, you have helped me alot. I'm not quite ready to throw in the towel. We have made it this long so your right there has to be something there. I think after a 100 yrs of marriage you get in a rut and you forget marriage takes A LOT of work to keep it healthy and going forward. I think if I work on myself that's half the battle. And in the end if it didn't work out at least I would have some self esteem to be able to move forward with my life. Thanks for your wisdom it did help tremendously!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2006
Fri, 03-03-2006 - 9:07pm

Okay............well your not happy thats for sure! But you don't get along that well talk to him or get marriage counsiling! Now i forget if you sed that sex in general is boring to you or the sex he is giving to you is boring. If the sex that he is giving you is boring so tell him where you want to be touched and how and try to communicate with him! And instead of playing poker with his buddies he can possibly play poker with you if you like it or ust think of something that you both enjoy!

GOOD LUCK!!!