If you .........

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-15-2007
If you .........
5
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 6:59am
I'm not sure if I'm in the right place but my husband and i have been married since January. Our love making sessions a few and far between lately because of his work commitments and he's always too tired to perform. Tonight he went to be early because he on a 3am start for work and needs to leave at 1am,I walked into our bedroom with the work shirt I had just ironed and I caught him masturbating and was pulling on underwear when I questioned him about why the jocks (we sleep naked)I was told "just in case it self destructed". Don't get me wrong I don't mind him doing it but its the lying about it that get me. he's lied bout a few smaller issues before too, and we promised that we wouldn't lie to each other before we got married. I'd like to do it more often but he complains he's just too tired. Has anyone got any advice on what to do?
Photobucket

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 7:52am
Hi, when you see him masturbating why not join him. You could either start masturbating or help him along. Could be fun
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 8:53am

Often when outside pressures mount there's times when it's too much for DH to "perform" for sex so we compromise one of three ways:

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2007
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 8:55am

Welcome to the board, Mandi.

Here's what Dr. Patti Britton had to say about a similar situation:

"I suspect that his solo time is an outlet for not having to perform. It's common for men to need some time and space to feel genital sensations and the release of sexual tension without having to be a good lover to anyone else."

You can read the entire response here:

The Truth About Men and Masturbation
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/0,,drpatti_23n7,00.html

I think masturbation is healthy for each of us, even in addition to a fulfilling relationship. You say that you have been married since January, which isn't very long. I don't know if you were living together previous to that time, but it is a major life change, which can create stress. He may have used masturbation as a way to relax in the past, something to do as a sort of nightcap. Partnered sex takes a lot more effort, and has different reasons for participating than just the release of sexual tension.

If you can talk to him about it, outside of the bedroom, you could let him know that you would like your sex life to be more fulfilling. It's best to use "I" language if you want to have a productive talk. Saying "I would like to have sex more frequently" will keep his attention, whereas saying "We're not having sex enough, yet you're still masturbating" will most like make him become defensive and eventually shut down.

As far as him saying he's too tired at night ... is he having stress in other areas of his life? Is he depressed or on any medications? What is your activity level in love-making?

Since guys have to "perform" during sex, it can be pretty demanding on them. Letting him know that you're interested, and then leaving the ball in his court might not always work out, especially if he is feeling tired. However, initiating sex and taking the time to do most of the work might capture his attention in a whole new way. Incorporating sex toys, pleasuring yourself in front of him, giving him a hand job or oral as foreplay -- without expecting him to reciprocate, can all get him in the mood without giving him time to think about how he is otherwise feeling.

Here are a couple of other articles that might give you some tips:

5 Things That Can Ruin Your Sex Life (and how to avoid them)
http://love.ivillage.com/lnssex/sexconcerns/0,,traceycox_7slp2dh5,00.html
By Tracey Cox

Revive Your Sex Drive: How to Handle 10 Top Libido Killers
Take your passion off the back burner
http://health.ivillage.com/sexualhealth/sxarousal/0,,9bp87snw,00.html

Hope you stick around and join in the conversation. I have often found that to be helpful when looking at my own sex life and ways to improve it.







follow me to my partners in the siggy exchange:

Make Him Moan ~ Ask the Relationship Saver


B1000


click here to

Design Your Own Sex/Fantasy Room




iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2007
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 8:35pm

I agree with cl-Misty and all the advice she gave you.


He is tired...and getting up at those hours and working....is enough (without other stressors).


I believe it is exactly - he is too tired to perform.


I wouldn't make a big deal about it...that would just put more strain on him.


And personally, if I was in the middle of masturbation (maybe it helps him sleep), I wouldn't want anyone joining in, because that would defeat the purpose of me getting a good night sleep and not having to worry about satisfying someone else sexually.

Missy
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2006
Mon, 04-14-2008 - 11:34pm

I am going to take a dissenting opinion here....


I do not think it's OK for your DH to masturbate if he is not participating in any physical activity with you. While some might view this as an isolated incident I would caution you to not allow this to turn into a habit.


I am married to a man who works an insane amount of time. I can count in hours the amount of time we spend together in a week. Our physical relationship suffers as a result. I would not at all be OK with finding DH masturbating and my needs not met.


I don't want to hear that I could always masturbate, use a toy, when he is busy.

Mrs P