The "Illegal Substitution"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
The "Illegal Substitution"
21
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 10:23am
We men can be shallow at times, we'll admit that, especially when it comes to sex. We sometimes will blame evolution and the idea of procreation, yadda yadda yadda. So, with that fully admitted, I would like to ask a shallow question;

When having sex with your spouse or significant other, do women also make mental illegal substitions and picture someone else who should be considered very inappropriate? By this I don't mean Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson..etc., I mean close friends or a close friend's spouse or significant other.

I doubt women do this one, as a female friend that I recently told was pretty appalled by this one, but we guys picture almost every woman naked at one time or another. Sometimes it just flashes in there and we didn't mean to picture it (if you ever see a guy at the grocery store make an odd face, he probably pictured someone naked that he clearly did not want to). I think this rarely comes up in a conversation because the guy would have to admit that he probably pictures "you" naked. We guys don't really talk about this in this way, but we will privately talk about the women in our circles, ie "Sara's looking pretty good lately" or "Is she wearing some kind of wonderbra".

A little rambling up there, but I guess my direct question would be - How often do women think sexually about the guys that they know, some of which are married or dating? Not how often do you discuss it, but how often is it thought? For example, I have a good friend whose wife and I seem (and it could be just in my head) to have some kind of sexual tension thing (or maybe it's just normal tension, lol). Not that I would ever think about pursuing anything as she is not only married, but to a close friend. I don't think that I have ever let on that I think she's hot, but have clearly used her as an illegal substitution, or at least wondered what it would be like with her, do women do this?

I guess I'm going with the premise that "Attraction is not a Choice"


Again, please don't say that we men are shallow, we've accepted that long long ago, I'm just looking for complete honesty here. And, for whatever it's worth, I will not use my new found knowledge for diabolical purposes, this is just for educational purposes only!

Thanks




Edited 8/3/2004 10:28 am ET ET by thenobleman

Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 5:05pm
"Or is it simply that they hide it better than we do?" LOL! This kills me!

You've gotten several responses from women here and some from your own female friends, and the majority say that they do not fantasize about other men when with their partner. Why can't you just take us at our word? There IS another way of looking at the world, you know. Truly, there is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 5:34pm


Katmandoo, I appreciate your response. Thank you. I am not fishing for a reason to act on anything or to justify why I have done the illegal substition, but can I not hear the responses from others as well?

When refering to my female friends, I was referring to the "picturing them naked" portion of the discussion, I never had the guts to ask them about the substition thing, which has been answered here by you and a few others.

What I was trying to ask on the second part of my question, was that doesn't it seem that men (already in relationships) are more aware of the opposite sex than are women (again, those that are already in relationships)?

On TV, in magazines, and within the people that I know, when you hear about someone having a "wandering eye", it always seems to be a guy.

Is it that way because I'm a guy and that I simply hear all of the guy talk, are women better at shutting that world out once they get into relationships, or is it that they still look occationally, but keep it on a whole different (and more appropriate) level than we do?

I'm not talking about galking or whistling like the stereotyped construction worker, but simply "noticing".



Avatar for katmandoo2001
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 5:42pm
I'm not keeping anyone from responding, am I? That's not my intent anyway. I'm simply asking why the questioning since you can see how the answers are falling.

I THINK I understand what you're asking, though but not sure. How can women admire other attractive males, and NOT take those mental images into the bedroom with us? I don't know. I just know that I don't fantasize during intimacy with the DH. And if he does, I don't want to know about it.

I think it just comes down to being wired differently for sex.






Edited 8/3/2004 6:04 pm ET ET by katmandoo2001

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Tue, 08-03-2004 - 10:59pm
Of all my female friends and acquaintances, we *all* notice nice looking men! I don't think I have a single female friend that is oblivious to a nice looking guy, whether it's at the mall, at work, or at a stoplight. And it has *nothing* to do with relationship status. I'll be the first to admit, I notice men. I appreciate a guy with character, with nice eyes or a nice smile or just nice features. And I've been married (and 100% faithful) for 19 years. But the looking stops at a look.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 12:41pm
in answer to your question, i don't fantasize about other men, not movie stars or friends.

honey

    

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 12:58pm
You wanted specifics? Well, when I see a guy with nice broad shoulders I usually picture him naked. I will imagine parts naked, like butts, arms etc. but also the whole body. And I also admit, sometimes during sex the thought of that person doing the same act to me will pop into my head. As far as friends, I admit I have thought about them too. If someone has a nice personality, I wonder how it translates into the bedroom etc.

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 1:59pm
Guilty here too once every other blue moon, LOL! I was very mistakenly under the impression that everyone had wandering minds syndrome at least every other once in a while, but I've been wrong before, LOL; seems its only just some of us after all...I'm learning. ;)

For me it was just a RARE slip of the mind flashback here or there of waaaay back in the past; gosh darn memories, LOL! Even when it does happen, its just something passing through my brain waves and doesn't actually stick, just like thinking about the finances or the vehicle repair list, just a slip, nothing more, lol.

(BTW, very cool of you to well wish cl-edifyandsharpen after her tragic loss)

;)

C h a r a c t e r


above all else


Mr. Para

 

C  H  A  R  A  C  T  E  R

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 2:45pm
>>I was very mistakenly under the impression that everyone had wandering minds syndrome at least every other once in a while, but I've been wrong before, LOL; seems its only just some of us after all...I'm learning. ;)<<

Nice to know I am not the only one, although(unless I missed a post here) it seems I am the only *female* here so far who does. ;o)

>>For me it was just a RARE slip of the mind flashback here or there of waaaay back in the past; gosh darn memories, LOL! Even when it does happen, its just something passing through my brain waves and doesn't actually stick, just like thinking about the finances or the vehicle repair list, just a slip, nothing more, lol.<<

Yep, me too. I would be concerned if I needed to think of others, but since it is only a fleeting moment here and there who cares lol. Life goes on.

>>(BTW, very cool of you to well wish cl-edifyandsharpen after her tragic loss)<<

No problem :o)

Leticia

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 3:56pm


.....scribles down some notes.

...Oh, sorry. Thanks for the responses.

After some private deliberation on my part, it does seem that even my substitutions are pretty short-lived, if not fleeting, during sex.

However, it's during the non-sexual times that puts me well onto the guilty side. At a party or gathering of some kind, when I would see someone who is either single or married, I would occasionally wonder what it would be like to "be with" her. At different times that means different things, most of which are, however, inappropriate.

I guess, if I could, can I redirect my question to these non-sexual moments, like when you are on a long boring drive or in the shower? Again, I'm not talking about Tom Cruise, JFK Jr., Sir Lancalot, Aqua Man ...etc, I'm asking about people that you know and that would be pretty inappropriate if you mentioned this to others (except to us on this message board, of course).

Oh, and just for my defense, I do believe that it is wrong to think of such things, so I'm not looking for justification, just information to see if I'm really that odd (which, of course, I can be), and secondly to see if both sexes do this. So, yes, it's wrong to do so, but we're also supposed to be in church every Sunday morning which I'm occasionally guilty of as well.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2004
Wed, 08-04-2004 - 4:04pm
I think that is perfectly normal as well. Alot of people have those thoughts. I know I do. My DH used to be in the Army, and I can't tell you how many of those guys I had fantasies about ;o) Something about a guy in uniform, doing hard(no pun) work ...

Leticia